Yesterday at work, I was just minding my business, doing all my busy work, when something magical happened. A song came on the radio, little miss Britney Spears. It must be said (again) that I am not a fan, lest my image of being a tough chick be tarnished. But this particular song I like, and even ashamedly admit have it on my iPod for cardio. I haven't heard the song in a few days, so when it came on, it sounded fresh again, and immediately put me in the moment of doing cardio and being really focused and amped up. That's when the magic happened; my passion returned.
For the past little bit, I have been forcing myself to workout, despite wanting to. There was a time when I didn't feel that way, I used to awake excited to get into my workout because I knew I would feel awesome mentally and physically when I was finished. The drive was always alive back then, because my body was making huge changes, visible changes and I wanted to keep pushing to prove how strong I was, showing the world that people can change, despite what the naysayers would like to believe. But somewhere along the line, I started feeling less enthusiastic, and my ho-hum mentality infected my drive to work for what I want. It's tough to pinpoint when that happened. Maybe when I started working, maybe when my husband stopped dieting and is now wanting to indulge like I have never seen him indulge since I've known him, maybe when I got to a certain point where I can wear a normal size shirt and look pretty good in clothes, or when I became aware that the contest was coming too quickly for me, and I don't look how I imagined I'd look by now, and then with the 5k out of my way, what's left to aim for? It's hard to say what the cause was, but I'm gratful that I have had the sense to keep working out and for the most part, still eat clean despite my sagging determination. Just as I was obese for thirty years, knowing one day I would just hunker down and tackle the problem, I knew if I kept doing the work that one day my drive would return. And yesterday really turned some things around for me. People always say that motivation does not involve magic, you just have to make things happen. I disagree. The mind is so powerful, and it's emotional connection to the senses is quite magical. It may have just been a song I was hearing, but the emotion attached to the memory was the magical part that made me remember my vitality and fiesty spirit, and what I was working for. When I got home after work, I did strength workout, and the mind-muscle connection was so strong, the workout was really effective. And this morning when I woke up, I wore my sore muscles like a badge, knowing that I can see the muscle when I flex it, which is one of the things I have been dreaming of. I put on my short shorts and a fitted t-shirt, which made me a little self conscious, but once I saw my muscular legs and my thinner arms, I went with it. I had an awesome cardio session, could really feel something take flight inside of me, that is so priceless; I wonder if anyone else gets that feeling. About halfway through my walk, I got a beep. A double beep, at that. I think it is really funny when guys do that, really, when has that number ever worked to pick up a chick? At any rate, that may be the first beep I've gotten in a good many years, and what it did for me was confirm that I am on the right track. I am not begging for attention from the male population, and am not accustomed to it so it makes me a little uncomfortable/awkward, and I wouldn't want to be with anyone other than my knock-out of a husband, but a little nod of approval made me feel a little vindicated for the years of feeling like people could only feel disgusted when they looked at me. It's all a mind game, and I am well aware of myself, but I will take the beep for what it's worth. I'll take the beep for all the people who aren't getting any, and spread it around like goodwill. I know where beauty lives, and people don't beep for that kind of beauty, but they should.
One quick note before I sign off. I have been getting more Facebook friend requests than normal lately, and if I don't know the requestor I ignore. If you want to request me and you've read my blog, please make note of it on your request so I don't ignore. My e-mail is: firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks for reading, have a fantastic, beep-worthy weekend everyone!