Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Hope

I spent some time looking back on blog posts last week, and I recorded my weight by date, watching it go down, and then creep back up.  I was curious as to when it all turned around and whether or not there was a major event that triggered it.  While reading it, I was really annoyed with the almost constant roller coaster of on-again/off-again commitment.  And the frequency of weigh-ins (!) as if my life was shaped by what my scale said ( oh the drama!).   It reminded me of a fierce crush I had in high school, one of the last things he ever said to me was "It's not a soap opera Amy.  Relax, do things that you enjoy, obra dee, obra da, life goes on braa, la la how the life goes on."  At the time I was devastated and offended, who was he to tell me not to feel or express myself?!  But over time I accepted that I can be a little dramatic about things that I'm passionate about.  And weigh loss, whether I am winning or losing the battle, is something I am passionate about.  I don't appologize.  And that crush I had?  A few years later I found out he is gay, and I was relieved that I didn't change who I am for him.  
My recent discovery of iron and vitamin D deficiencies is helping me put some of these food things In perspective.  Even though I am eating mostly plant-based vegan, it doesn't mean I'm taking care to give my body what it needs.  I need to nourish my body, not just feed it.  That is a goal.  I only eat veggies once a day right now, that's not good enough.  
My prescriptions for mega doses of vitamin D3 (50,000 units!) and iron are making such a difference already, that it makes me wonder how long I have been deficient, and blaming it on lack of resolve or discipline.  What a difference it makes to have more of what my body needs, especially mentally.  I was seriously giving up, assuming this exhaustion was just part of the aging process or that it was my body revolting against the regained weight with thick, pastey blood and heart stress.  I was feeling caught in the loop of not having the energy to work out, even though I knew that is what I needed to be doing.  And that is where I was stuck for so many years.  I used to blog all the time about believing being the most essential part of weight loss, and I still agree that it is crucial, but I think belief begins with hope, and that is where a lot of people get stuck.  I'm so happy to have found my hope again and I'm on my way to believing too.  
I walked this morning, and it was good for me.  My knee still bothers me but I am moving.  No drama, just putting in the paces.  As I walked, I thought about my blog-o-coaster and how many refires I've had, and it reminded me something I saw on Facebook last week that resonated with me.  I will leave with that and bid you a good Wednesday.  Happy 4th of July to those who celebrate!

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