Yesterday, my husband suggested we go to a local park called Fonferek Glen. It is a breathtaking place only a few minutes drive from our house, but we have never taken our kids there, for fear they would fall off one of the many drop-offs and cliffs. Now that they are older, and slightly less clumsy (one of the trademarks of Autism unfortunately), we decided to give it a try. I wasn't necessarily looking forward to it, not just for the fact that it was nearly 90 degrees and I could feel my sun allergy daring me to let it blossom, but because of the anxiety that would attack me, as he brought my sons ever closer to the edges of the cliffs to have a better look. Both of those annoyances did happen, and I tried to remind myself that everything was going to be OK. The three of them walked around nonchalantly as if it was an ordinary walk in the park. We had views like this:
This morning I weighed myself for the first time in a couple weeks. It doesn't really matter what the scale says, I have been doing positive things and I am starting to see good things. There are parts of my body that are looking better. I am doing just what I can, putting in my work when my body is up to it, and trying not to let my deficiencies be an excuse to sleep more when I can be out doing something. This morning my younger son and I went for a walk, and he decided he wanted to walk to a certain park, which is about 1 and 1/2 miles away from our house. Despite the blazing sun and my already itchy skin, I agreed. It is really hard to say no to my sons, especially when they are asking to do something good for them. While my husband and older son slept more, Zach and I set out on a long, tiring journey. When we got to the park, we took our shoes and socks off and cooled our feet on the shaded pavement. And we talked about life. And before we knew it, we were headed back, pointing out animals and flowers we saw along the way. And we agreed to not walk that far next time. And I realized that, he is someone who is at times too confident, and at others, not so much. He is so much like me. And I wonder if this is something one can "fake it" on. I don't trust my knee or my muscles right now. I know I can use them to some extent, and I have been being safe and smart when I do go to the gym, but I don't have my confidence now. Not for jumping on rocks, or climbing slippery hills or doing squats. It reminds me of the theme song of Bob the Builder. The characters are all singing, "Can we fix it? YES WE CAN!" but just at the end, Lofty chimes in, in a very shaky voice and says, "Uh, yeah, I think so." I am Lofty. I only think so. But in the end, the team always pulls together and gets the job done. I don't know if I'll ever be good at hopping on rocks with my boys, I'm thankful my husband is, but I suspect I can build my strength and confidence back up. Just showing up is the first step. And I am showing up more and more.