It turns out yesterday's crabbiness was nothing compared to the amount of stress I had at work. Not like horrible things happened, but it was again so busy that most of the afternoon I had 2-3 people waiting to be helped constantly. Before I could finish with one person, two more would crop up. I got so overwhelmed at one point that my brain seemed as if it short-circuited and people speaking their phone numbers to me wouldn't process to write down the number as they were saying it, and I gave a wrong quote that could have cost me a big sale. Luckily, everyone was friendly and patient, seeing that I was working alone. I began thinking about an after-work drink shortly after my lunch break!
Once I left work, I had to pick up a prescription at Target so I decided to see what kind of alcohol they have. It is strange to walk through Target with a 6 pack, but that's what I did. I found some Crispin Pear cider. It is only 4.5% alcohol and they actually had a nutrition lable, so I decided 14 sugars was not bad considering some of the alternatives. I had two with my dinner, they are really mellow and tastey, didn't make me have cottonmouth or anything. It helped me chill out for sure.
Later, when my husband and I were relaxing in the bedroom, him burried in a book and me still chasing down ancestors, I looked at the framed picture of my great grandparents on my dresser and told him, "I don't know if I'm getting much from them." I haven't had any more spiritualistic experiences that I know of and the more I learn about my great grandma, she was kind of a pill. He told me (he is very much more versed in all things spiritualistic than I) that simply talking to them is not enough, that there has to be a way for me to receive messages other than hoping for a sign in my dreams. He asked if I wanted him to do a tarot reading for me and I agreed, heeding what he said, that it wouldn't tell me who is trying to reach me, but the general message they are wanting me to understand. I didn't know what to expect really, but my husband is really good at making sense of things that look totally foreign to me. He has heavily studied multiple religious and occult systems and knows much of the symbology. He used his own spread with 3 cards to represent my ancestors and three to represent me. My ancestors' cards showed failure, dischord or stagnence in relationships and ultimately, a problem or unrest with the mind. He explained, this is what they endured. They faced failures either financially or emotionally or in their health. This put a strain on their relationships and led to their minds being unhealthy. Thinking about multiple layers of my family, even down to my own parents, this seemed fitting. Many of my ancestors, particularly the immigrant ones, struggled, working hard on farms, having so many children and losing them, many themselves passing from cancer or heart problems. I began to tear up a little and explained that this could be any one of my ancestors.
He went on to explain that the cards that were to represent me do not necessarily represent me as I am now, but my potential, and what they want for me. My cards were a completion or completeness, wealth, and finally, the card I've gotten in every reading he's done for me, the Chariot. His interpretation is that they want me to find completeness, and that will be acheived by the wealth. Wealth not necessarily in riches, but in a cycle ending which would open the doorway to new beginnings, and those new begninnings are the wealth that would bring me completeness. He pointed out that the Chariot card is especially meaningful in this reading because it shows a powerful woman and it seems as if she is pushing straight foward, moving on. I was in tears by the end. what a timely and meaningful message. My ancestors don't want me to try and validate them or help them, they want me to let go of the things that are standing in the way of me feeling good, happy and healthy.
I thought back to the stress and irritability and even judgements I have passed recently and how they aren't serving me, and they definitely are not helping me "be strong and move on". In some ways I have gotten past little bumps in the road, the little things like not obsessing over food, but in many ways my head is still unhealthy, and I haven't devoted nearly enough time to trying to change that. The last time I had my nails done (February) the man who was doing my nails gave me a hand and forearm massage and I could tell he was struggling and he kept saying, "Relax. Let the tension go." I thought I was relaxed but he said it a few more times, continually massaging my hands, then said, "You have trouble relaxing, don't you?" I bashfully said, "I guess I do, I didn't notice that until right now." I have been more aware of it, the stress that sits on my shoulders, in my jaw, as if I have my boxing gloves on and my hands up to my face at all times. I need practice relaxing. I need practice letting others do some stuff instead of feeling like I must do everything or I'm a failure. I need practice at compassion instead of judgement, and in nuturing the relationships of the people closest to me instead of resisting it. I don't think I'm cold but I am definitely tense and sometimes gaurded. I just need to spend more time focusing on the things that have the potential to make me relaxed and happy more.
So that was my sort of heavy day and night. I slept like a baby. Today is much better. Every day has the potential to be better. I want to make my ancestors' wishes a reality; its as if they are giving me permission, begging me to let go of past hurts, let go of the burden of other's painful experiences, and move on to a place that will make me happy and whole. Sometimes it takes an outsider to point out where you are falling short. I'm grateful for the input.
And hey, maybe next time I get my nails done I will surprise them and fall asleep in my chair.