Monday, March 6, 2017

Here's to things that don't Suck

Well, there goes another weekend!  What weekend, right?  Mine was very underproductive.  How underproductive you ask?  I didn't even get my hair cut, which has been long and shaggy for a couple weeks now.  I don't know why I have such a tough time convincing myself to get it done on the weekends, but I procrastinate until I can't stand the sight or feel of it anymore, and then I finally get it cut.  I'm almost to that point. 
Other than the usual chores, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, taking the dog out, I really did a whole lot of loafing and eating this weekend.  It's not even crazy-eating-day time (PMS for those who are new to my blog).  I just got this wild must-eat-food feeling while grocery shopping on Saturday and it just lasted all day Saturday and half of Sunday.  It ended with  me having some severe stomach cramps and discomfort which made me realize that giving into my bratty brain had a direct (negative) effect on my poor body. 
I had a general feeling of blah all weekend too.  I felt like a blog so I ate more, and eating more made me feel worse about myself.  The main difference now is, my "eating more" is a lot smaller than it once was because I simply can't fit as much in me.  For instance, when I got home from shopping Saturday, after eating a Luna bar on the drive home (that was actual hunger), I ate a couple handfuls of different assortments of chips, then two cookies and I was full to the point of not wanting to eat more.  I did eat more, before I was physically hungry, and I ended up feeling pretty bad, bloated and full, and mentally I felt bad too.  Even if I was eating less crap volume-wise, I was still eating crap when I wasn't hungry.  Not sure what that was about.  I have gotten out of the habit of examining why I am eating when I'm not hungry because for a long time it wasn't happening.  I was hoping it was just my hormones whacked out due to perimenopause, but who can tell.  Since it was accompanied by feeling "blah" I think maybe something else was going on.  It was like I didn't want to be seen or even talked to.  I was definitely hiding and numbing, though I can't say anything bad happened that I am consciously aware of.  I guess it's something I have to give more time and thought to. 
Today the weather was pretty nice for this time of year, and a little overcast, which I like.  There were so many birds out singing, I decided to take a walk before work.  I walked about 2 and 1/2 miles.  I had to walk faster than I normally would in order to stay warm because I underestimated the wind, but it was a good walk.  I thought about the weekend and how I'd felt a little down, and I realized that I had done nothing to make myself look or feel good.  I didn't get any fresh air or exercise, didn't do my hair or wear something flattering, I just hung out in my same old comfy clothes and threw my hair back.  While I'm not one to be super high-maintenance, I do notice how caring how I look and caring how I treat my body go hand-in-hand, so when I start not caring how I look, it's usually pretty certain I am also not eating healthy or exercising.  It is what it is at the moment, but the whole thing makes me feel worse about myself.  So today, going for the walk wasn't about getting skinny or torching a bunch of calories, it was to try and kickstart myself back into caring about myself enough to make an effort.  How easily we slip off what we once felt was secure.  I think the restriction of the keto thing really messed with me and made me go off the deep end once I reached a point of fed-up.  It compounded the stress I was already having and put me back into "good food, bad food" mode.  It made me feel shameful for eating a handful of tortilla chips or a couple cookies.  And while the weekend wasn't a full-on binge, it was an unneccesary caloric consumption in the hopes of soothing something that I didn't want to delve into at the time. 
I feel better today, the walk helped my mood and it helped me not want to put more junk in my mouth today.  I am eating sane again.  It also helped that the horrible stomach pain I had yesterday turned out to be a side effect of eating all those carbs/junk so I wanted nothing to do with it today.  And I do want to be able to walk up those stairs at some point, and not be self-conscious that I am huffing and puffing a little bit. 
So I'd like to think I am back on track in a good direction.  I am making a point to eat on purpose and not just be swept away at the thought of food and just start shoveling things in because they are near and look tasty.  On the other hand, I think I need to return to the mentality that I can have whatever I want whenever I want it, so that I don't feel the draw of certain foods.  I ate way less of the counter-productive stuff when I was on a free and open mindset compared to when I am trying to restrict carbs or eliminate soda. 
I've been having strange dreams lately, maybe I need to pay closer attention to them, maybe there's a message there.  Maybe they are telling me I need to stretch more (I do) and strength train (I do) and not take life so seriously.  Amen to that!  It's a delicate balance between too much freedom/restriction and not enough, but taking everything so seriously makes it so much less enjoyable.  And for something to be sustainable long-term, it has to not suck, right?  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  At least I can stick to something. 

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