Another lapse between posts, what's new, right? Not a lot really, which is good. Things are smooth and easy right now, at least where food is concerned, and I like that it's just easy. We need something to be easy from time to time don't we?!
I am not stressing out about food, and in being more relaxed I find that I don't want the foods I thought I wanted when I was restricting carbs. It is so strange to me and seems backwards, but that is the truth. There has been carmel and candy and cookies and chips in my house and I other than a couple palm-sized servings of chips, I haven't had any inner conflicts or desires to squash. And maybe sometimes it comes down to, there are so much more important things in life to worry about than food! Most of my life I wouldn't have believed it if someone said it because food took up a huge space in my life/mind/day. I used to be so stressed about judging myself for what kinds of foods I was eating, evaluating if I was good or bad depending on whether the food I was eating was good or bad. Maybe I just don't have patience for that anymore. And while my "diet brain" tries to creep back in from time to time, I think my last experience with restricting was a valuable lesson that strengthened my understanding that restricting actually works against me in the long run.
So I'm back on an even keel with food. I have allowed the caffeine to slowly creep back in, though I do switch between soda and iced-tea at work instead of just having all soda. I am OK with it, it feels like a treat and when I take it away, instead of feeling like making a healthy choice it feels like restriction and then my little rebellion-brain shows it's colors.
I haven't been exercising either. That's just plain laziness, there's no other way to say it. I enjoy it when I do it, but the actually thought of exerting myself...it's not my strong point or I'd already be fit. I do think that warmer weather and the days staying brighter longer will help, and I think about getting my dog out for a real walk after work for exercise and to relieve the stress of my work day. It has been pretty cold lately though, and I am just lazy so I bring him around the complex.
Where is the motivation? I have been able to be pretty motivated by my doctor in the past. I have always been a little nervous of being scolded by any doctor, (because I have been in the past) for being overweight. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and high cholesterol in 2008, and when I saw a new doctor, instead of making me feel bad, he wrote me out a "prescription" on his pad and it said, "South Beach Diet or the Zone Diet" When I finally stopped rebelling against him telling me I am fat, I follwed his advice and lost some weight and dramatically improved my numbers by following South Beach Diet. I wanted to impress him because I knew I'd be facing him in another couple months, so I did good and he was pleased. It has been a roller coaster since then, but I do seek the approval of my doctors. I will be due for another physical exam in December, which seems so far away right now, but really it's only a little more than 8 months away. While most of the health measures taken last year were good/fine, I do want to improve my HDC (good cholesterol) and my blood sugars, that's my goal for my next exam. Is it strong enough to motivate me to exercise? We'll see. I make no promises! I think in the past I was also very motivated by my appearance changing, but in the end, that was not a strong enough motivator to keep me from eating junk when I was stressed or sad.
So it seems that I have some invisible limit, the amount I can handle at one time while still commiting to something successfully. I can be OK with food but struggle to exercise. I can cut down on caffeine but have a hard time with food cravings. I can exercise but then I want to eat everything in sight. I used to get down on myself and think I am being weak, babying myself but now I know, for many many things in life, picking our battles is the only way to make things work. For me, for now, low-carb, non-stressful eating, allowing caffeine and very little exercise is what is working. It's just enough control to make me stay sane but not so much that I want to rebel. I did discover recently, that I've been crossing my legs more often and then it dawned on me that it is not a challenge at all. They cross. Like normal people, not with me having to hold them or force them. That was one of the things I was looking forward to when I started this, it was one of the things I missed when I fell off the wagon, and it is delightfully, wonderfully, back. I didn't have to kill myself or diet hardcore, I didn't restrict or rely on willpower. I just relaxed. And it feels good. That is all.