Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Self Love and Do-Overs

Today is one of those days when I wake up knowing I am in a funk and probably will be most of the day.  Yeah, Ma Monthly is about to rear her unpleasant head and cravings and moodiness are abundant this time.  Still better than full-blown menopause I presume so I will grin and bear it. 
I have found that even this little bit of restricting I need to do for my antibiotics, wherein I cannot eat any dairy within two hours of taking it (before or after, so 4 hours total) is causing me to rebel.  I don't like being told I can't have something, it makes me want it more.  This morning I said screw it and had a bagel with cream cheese and coffee with sugar-free creamer.  Not like it was some magical wonderful meal (despite what my brain was trying to convince me of) but in my own little way I felt like it was my own little way of throwing myself a bone on a day when I was already crabby.  Dog didn't poop, kids didn't sleep, dog didn't poop the second time, take the boy to school, dog finally pooped just in time for me to rush off to work.  Boss is crabby, coworker is crabby both dumped some stress on me that wasn't mine to begin with.  I will survive, this is just normal life.  Still, I wish for that middle path, so to speak, less of the ups and downs, more just right in the middle. 
So food is a strange thing with my quasi-restriction because I rely so heavily on dairy for protein.  I have found myself opening and closing fridge and cupboard doors over and over, looking for something to have other than what I planned for my meals.  And, then I end up eating the planned meals because everything else has dairy or meat or carbs.  I am eating more salad this week, one with berries and one with bacon.  It works.  I don't dislike salad but sometimes I really just want a warm thing to eat.  I'm weird that way.  A meal feels more substantial and hearty if it's warm.  It's a mental thing I suppose. 
I have been getting images in my head lately, of pushing myself physically and feeling really good.  Am I the only one that visualizes a fit lifestyle without ever following through?  In my visualization, despite looking healthier, my focus is on how good I feel, sweaty and strong, moving with ease as I take in how good it feels to have the blood flowing through my body making my muscles feel warm and good.  I have had strong images like this before.  They come and go and most of the time I just tell myself, someday.  I am not in any mental position to proclaim I will start a change now, but I know the longer I procrastinate the harder it is going to get. 
Lately for some reason I have been exposed to more unhealthy people than usual.  People who are morbidly obese and labor to walk or sit in my chair at work, or get up from said chair.  People who don't look that much older than me but are on oxygen, people who are in wheelchairs or motorized carts asking others to tend to their every whim.  I am always pleasant to them, but in my head I do find myself judging them and I feel aweful for having that gut instinct because there have probably been people who've looked at me that way.  Everyone has their own struggle.  It is so much easier to look at someone else and think, if you just work out a little bit you could probably walk again.  Sometimes I think it is my inner-bitch showing when I think these things, but really I just would love to see someone change for the positive, to feel really good and move freely and show everyone what they're made of.  So, why don't I want that for me anymore?  I say I do but I don't prove it.  It may be only time that separates me and them from being in the same boat.  Part of me feels like my own mother, making threats to try to scare myself into doing something.  That never works for me, I'm too much of a rebel, and in the past, I have gotten away with things that I shouldn't have, such as not getting cavities despite being really inconsistent with, winging my way through school and getting passable grades, even eating whatever the heck I want for most of my life and somehow not turning into one of those people that needs to be lifted from their house with a crane for a doctor appointment.  So maybe the fear tactic is just not strong enough.  What does work is establishing boundaries for myself, not allowing people to treat me poorly just because they need someone to be crabby at, and probably most importantly, making time for myself, not just to burry myself in the past, in my ancestors, but to focus on where I am now, and in what state, and what I need in life to be whole and content.  We all have times where we focus on other stuff, and I think that is more true for women, who tend to try and juggle everything at the expense of their own sanity and inner peace, but to take that back is a true form of self-love.  It takes focus, not on the external but the internal.  It takes quiet and stillness and boundaries.  I know I need it right now, because it sure sounds good!  I never made good on my attempt to find five minutes at the end of the night to sit quietly and just relax, breathe, maybe try to meditate.  I think I will try again.  That's what life is all about isn't it?  Do overs.  Luckily, there's no limit, you just ante up and try again, clean slate. 

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