Doable

I have noticed myself finding excuses to not get on the exercise bike recently, that is in my nature I guess.  I always feel like in order to feel rejuvenated I need more down time, more sitting around in chairs looking at my phone.  As much as I try, that doesn't make me feel rejuvenated, it actually makes me very unmotivated to stop doing just that. 
But today my hips were hurting again so I felt like, as much as I didn't want to get on that bike, it was crucial to how my day was going to go, and how much pain I would be in by the time I get home from work tonight.  I don't really control how much time I spend on my feet during my work day, but I put a lot of steps in regardless.  It absolutely stinks when each of those steps hurt.  So on the bike I got.  It was at the sacrifice of getting a much needed load of dishes done, but sometimes I just need to put myself first.  There is a point when I'm pedaling, sometimes driven by a part of the music I really attach to, where pushing myself feels good; my muscles get warm, my heart is pumping good, I'm all sweaty and feeling strong...it's actually a really rewarding feeling.  I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why I don't crave working out, knowing how great it makes me feel.  The bike has been like magic for my sore hips.  My body is telling me what it needs and I have to stop thinking I know better than it does.  So I am thinking this is going to have to be a pretty regular thing, to make sure my hips feel as good as they posibly can each day.  I have known for a few years that I have weak spots in my lower body, and because of that I misuse parts of my legs, hips and glutes to do things that my muscles should be doing.  So the bike is my foot-in-the-door to fixing those issues.  Even though I don't feel like the bike offers a great amount of resistence, my whole lower body feels full of blood and pumped as if I'd just done a leg workout.  Once my legs are stronger I may go back to strength training by more traditional methods. 
I am starting to feel less confident about my arms.  I think it is loose skin because they sure looked better a few weeks ago.  I can see more shoulder cap coming out, which is nice, but no muscle definition yet, and the skin thing is a little off-putting but I haven't let it stop me from going sleeveless because dang it!  I deserve to be comfortable, and it has been so humid this summer sleeves feel like a burden.  I know to even have a hope to dealing with the skin on my arms I have to start strength training, and even that doesn't gaurantee it will tighten up.  Ultimately though, arm skin has nothing to do with heart health, and I have been slacking on taking blood pressure since I got on this higher dose of diuretic.  I haven't noticed much difference since the dose increased, other than some occassional lightheadedness.  Not sure what my doctor will try if that doesn't help, but I feel like I'm really doing my part.  I can't deny that I am interested to see what my weight is when I go back to the doctor in mid-October.  I have considered weighing myself at home, but I just don't want to get caught up in the emotional chaos that surrounds that number.  It has a tendency to make me lose focus on the goal which is not necessarily weight loss.  How much I weigh means nothing if I have horrible blood work and my blood pressure is not better.
As I drove to work today, I thought about how being in a place where I am taking accountability for my health is such a good feeling, and I remembered how I have been here before, making great strides and then I got off track somehow and ended up in a bad place where it felt almost impossible to get back to that feeling of ease with doing the things that my body needs.  I paid attention to the feeling that doing those things are so hard, that just letting myself off the hook has some sort of freeing feel, how being lazy is so easy.  Then I thought about my hips, and how being lazy today would have made them feel so much worse.  I know there are consequences, this is a very tangible one for me, but I have found ways to ignore that in the past.  What I think I need often isn't what my body tells me it needs.  Taking care of myself is easy, it is freeing, and it can also release me from the negativity and lazy feelings.  I am much more productive, at work and home, and have a ton more energy on the days I get on the bike.  I am happier and feel more calm.  I know I love food, but I'm realizing that those feelings are way better than some temporary food-bliss.  I'm still learning, but I think I just may have this thing in a doable place this time!

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