Motivation from my Former Self

One of the blogs I follow was recently celebrating their blogiversary and it made me want to look back at some of the first blogs I wrote.  I can't say my break into blogging was smooth, and I probably still can't say it, but I am really grateful to have this blog to look back on. 
I was reading This entry and I found my own writing inspiring.  This little bit was what got me:
     "Motivation comes from being proud of yourself; taking a step in the right direction, and realizing  that if you challenge yourself to take a different path than the one you have always chosen, that you will grow as a person, and begin to heal.  And the positives begin to build upon themselves.  After a tough workout, where you really gave it all you had, not only do you feel like you can conquer the world, but your body will repay you by repairing itself.  And in a short time, those workouts will become easier for you.  Imagine how that boosts your spirits, to know that something that was difficult for you before is now quite accomplishable.  That is where the motivation comes from.  Triumph over self-defeat; not letting yourself off the hook."

I am in a pretty good place right now.  I know that I was in a better place back then, working out pretty much every day, seeing the scale going down, fixing my health and eventually being able to shop in "normal" stores or departments instead of the dreaded "Women's" or "Plus" sections.  I was on top of the world for a good amount of time.  Then I went back to work and it fell apart a little bit.  It will be 8 years in November (yeah, I had to go back and check).  Time sure flies!  And I can look at it one way, that it is 8 years later and I'm still kind of back in the same place, on blood pressure medicine and struggling to fix my health, which feels a little defeating; but I choose to see it as, 8 years later, I haven't given up!  And my mind is honestly healthier now than it was then.  That's not to say I am done healing my mind, but some important progress has been made in the way of letting go of the all-or-nothing mentality and the abusive self-thoughts based off of things my parents said to me or how they made me feel when I was younger. 
If I had to guess, I'd say I probably lost about 10 pounds since my doctor appointment last month.  That would put me in about the high 180's to low 190's.  Today I convinced myself to wear a dusty dress at the back of my closet.  It was purchased when I was in the 160's and struggling to stay on track.  I put it on and first thought, Wow, that's a flattering cut.  Then I looked more, in different lighting, hyper-focused on my tummy lumps and how it seemed to highlight that, especially because it is a clingy material.  But the overall shape is slimming compared to the shapeless work shirt I usually wear.  So I decided, just like wearing tank tops, I need to stop hyper-analyzing everything I wear and be confident.  No sooner did I walk into work and I got a compliment from a female coworker.  It made me feel good, but I will admit that I have had to talk myself through it, I look better in this than I think, I look better in this than I think, it's just a dress, it's just one day.  I guess I'm not fully as confident as I'd like to be yet.  But the goal is to love my body no matter where I am at in the process, and I think I am going to have to fake it til I make it on this one.  I'm part way there, better than I ever have been at this weight before.  It helps that I am currently eating healthy and slowly losing a little weight.  It helps that I can see a difference in my face, my shoulders, my fingers even.  It helps that I am older and care a little less about what others think.  It helps that I know there are many things in life more important than how I look, and people aren't looking at or thinking of me nearly as much as I imagine they do.  It helps that the dress is somewhat flattering as much as I am fixated at the fact that it is not loose and flowing like most of my clothes.  I think I have some feminine curves and I am proud of that.  Confidence is the most attractive thing you can wear besides a smile. 
Here's me faking confidence!  Cheers!


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