Insanity
As the week draws to a close, I am reflecting back on how it went. I had a wile weekend, food-wise, but this week has been pretty smooth. I did end up eating some sugary stuff on Tuesday, when someone brought cinnamon rolls to work to share. I originally refrained, but after my lunch I was at least wanting a taste, so I cut a small 1/2 inch slice off of one to taste, which turned into cutting another and another slice until I ate a full cinnamon roll. I felt guilty but reminded myself that this is not a race and I am allowed to have whatever I want but I should rein it in ASAP so one indulgence doesn't lead to a flood of them. Later that night, after running around after work with no food since lunch in my belly, my kids and I made a quick stop to pick up some food for dinner. I had a pre-packaged BLT sandwich which was soggy and gross, and we picked up a half gallon of peanut butter chocolate ice cream. Ice cream is probably my biggest weakness since my mouth is always so dry from the hypothyroid and diueretic. Though I remembered that cinammon roll I'd had earlier and just dipped in silver spoon and slowly ate that one little bite. It was perfect, and I felt really good for being able to have some without bingeing. The rest of that night was as planned. I did feel a little down with myself, so I felt like that was motivation for keeping things cleaner the rest of the week.
I do feel like the weight loss part is stagnent right now, but I am not stressed out about it. I don't weigh myself so the only real way of telling is by how I look and how my clothes fit. I know where I am at is not my body's natural weight, but it feels better than it did a month ago.
This morning I felt so good but I was thinking about the way I try to use food to make things feel more special, even when things are going good or I get happy news. I realized that things don't feel special enough on their own because I am not living in the moment. I know I'm not alone. Every time I am somewhere/ do something really great I think about how I should be feeling the awesomeness of this moment now instead of the nostalgic afterglow I tend to get. I do take time to appreciate things, but I spend the majority of my time doing things that distract me from that, even in every day moments. I live too much in the future and it robs me of present-moment joy.
So the next train of thought led me to wondering what the things are that really bring me a joy that satisfies me so deeply that I don't need anything more than that. It's really hard to figure that stuff out. Meditation and exercise are two that came to mind, and funny thing is, those two things I know make me feel wonderful and I always slack off on them. I will need to explore why I do this, it seems counter-logical. I have been looking forward to examining these issues more because I really think that peace and joy and just plain feel-good feeling I get from these two particular things, are the real thing I desire that I thought losing weight would bring me. My confidence has grown in the past 8 years or so since I've been writing this blog. I know that being overweight doesn't own me or make me less-than, it's just a state of being. I am plentiful. I am hearty. I am like a solid oak but sometimes my branches sway with the breeze. Maybe, just maybe, if I lace up my shoes and go for a quiet walk by myself, or spend more time in quiet meditation I can come up with more answers while I am busy feeling good. I think at some point, I will develop guidlines for myself, things I will try to remind myself of when I feel anything but happy. I think a lot of popular weight loss programs have something like this, it's trendy, no? While they sometimes inspire me, sometimes they don't get my personal core issues. For instance, forgiving my mother; for everything. And not allowing myself to bash myself in my head or for someone else to witness. Not complaining. Doing something selfless, annonymously. Things that work for me. I am kind of selfish so that is a trigger for me self-shaming. I complain so much when I'm around others, but when I'm alone I feel generally content and appreciative of my surroundings. That kind of stuff needs to be individualized by me. The caustic things that stop me from being happy are fixable. They may have been a part of the cause of my weight, so fixing them could potentially be a huge part of the solution. I am re-working the circuitry in my brain. Why? Because:
Happy Friday! Have a fantastic weekend!
I do feel like the weight loss part is stagnent right now, but I am not stressed out about it. I don't weigh myself so the only real way of telling is by how I look and how my clothes fit. I know where I am at is not my body's natural weight, but it feels better than it did a month ago.
This morning I felt so good but I was thinking about the way I try to use food to make things feel more special, even when things are going good or I get happy news. I realized that things don't feel special enough on their own because I am not living in the moment. I know I'm not alone. Every time I am somewhere/ do something really great I think about how I should be feeling the awesomeness of this moment now instead of the nostalgic afterglow I tend to get. I do take time to appreciate things, but I spend the majority of my time doing things that distract me from that, even in every day moments. I live too much in the future and it robs me of present-moment joy.
So the next train of thought led me to wondering what the things are that really bring me a joy that satisfies me so deeply that I don't need anything more than that. It's really hard to figure that stuff out. Meditation and exercise are two that came to mind, and funny thing is, those two things I know make me feel wonderful and I always slack off on them. I will need to explore why I do this, it seems counter-logical. I have been looking forward to examining these issues more because I really think that peace and joy and just plain feel-good feeling I get from these two particular things, are the real thing I desire that I thought losing weight would bring me. My confidence has grown in the past 8 years or so since I've been writing this blog. I know that being overweight doesn't own me or make me less-than, it's just a state of being. I am plentiful. I am hearty. I am like a solid oak but sometimes my branches sway with the breeze. Maybe, just maybe, if I lace up my shoes and go for a quiet walk by myself, or spend more time in quiet meditation I can come up with more answers while I am busy feeling good. I think at some point, I will develop guidlines for myself, things I will try to remind myself of when I feel anything but happy. I think a lot of popular weight loss programs have something like this, it's trendy, no? While they sometimes inspire me, sometimes they don't get my personal core issues. For instance, forgiving my mother; for everything. And not allowing myself to bash myself in my head or for someone else to witness. Not complaining. Doing something selfless, annonymously. Things that work for me. I am kind of selfish so that is a trigger for me self-shaming. I complain so much when I'm around others, but when I'm alone I feel generally content and appreciative of my surroundings. That kind of stuff needs to be individualized by me. The caustic things that stop me from being happy are fixable. They may have been a part of the cause of my weight, so fixing them could potentially be a huge part of the solution. I am re-working the circuitry in my brain. Why? Because:
Happy Friday! Have a fantastic weekend!
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