What do I have left?
Funny how one weekend can completely change momentum. I didn't plan things that way, but it just sort of happened. Not all is lost, but things have changed. Maybe in the long run it will be for the better, more sustainable, but I am so much more aware of some of the behind-the-scenes workings this time.
For the past couple weeks I have been like a lady on a mission, eating pretty clean 95% of the time, weening myself off caffeine, drinking so much water I should be floating by now. I even adjusted and handled things "on the fly" as needed when something I was planning for a meal got eaten by someone else. I was feeling virtually unstoppable. Then Friday afternoon, having had only one normal sized coffee drink, I was starting to feel a slump. My husband sent a message to see what I wanted to do that night, which has, for years, meant where do we want to go out to eat. I mentioned a few places where I knew I could get something relatively low carb and still tasty. He suggested a burger stand north of the city. It has been around since 1954 and is reported to have the "best" food around. It is in a tiny town, so that's not a huge challenge to have that title. He argued that it would be their last weekend open until next spring, so I caved. I equated the drained feeling I was having to thinking maybe a cheat meal would make me feel better. I had a chicken sandwich and fries. I am starting to find that there are very few places that have any drinks that are both sugar free and caffeine free, so I settled for pink lemonade. It was, after all, a cheat meal so the extra sugars were just a part of it. Yes, I could have had water...I am such a baby, I really don't like it unless it's flavored. We had a nice time and dinner was indeed tasty. I tried to brush aside the amount of sodium I had likely consumed; it was the exception, not the rule. I found that I wasn't hungry the rest of the night, the food kind of sat like a brick in my stomach compared to what I had been eating, but I did wake the next morning famished and started my day eating sane. Back on track I told myself. Then I got home with groceries. This might be the first time I came home from shopping with no sweet stuff. No cookies, or snack cakes or ice cream. I bought a lot less snacks in general, partly because of some mysterious pains I have been having in my lower abdomen, and really because I am so sick of my kids eating 3/4 of a bag of chips and the rest goes to waste. I think in fall I will return to doing more baking of healthier snacks. Anyway, I was physically hungry when I got home from groceries after noon, so in mindful eating manner, I allowed myself to have exactly what it was I wanted, some chips with french onion dip. I ate far less than I would have in the past, and felt really satisfied. Then my brain started bugging me that that is not a "meal" and about an hour later I found myself eating a turkey sandwich. I was feeling really guilty about all the salt I was taking in, but I dismissed it, knowing that denying myself would make me ruminate on the desired thing even more.
Earlier that morning, I had started to plan out my deletion of caffeine. I told myself that once my coffee drink mix (I use Mio sugar-free) ran out I would not get more, and would essentially cut off my caffeine habit. I knew I had very little left so I was feeling a little anxious about it, feeling like I was about to go "cold turkey" into something I wasn't sure I was ready for. Later that day, I found myself craving sweets out of the blue. Like, PMS craving them. It could be ovulation, sure. I think it was my mind protesting giving up caffeine, whining like a baby, what do I have left? Still, I tried to wave it off and continued with the plan. I ended up having a micro-binge Saturday, eating lingonberry jam and a bag of gummies I'd gotten free at German Fest, and more chips. I ate until I was satisfied, and afterword I felt disappointed in myself. It's funny how that tiny little feeling in your mind's gut can make you feel so frumpy and unappealing. That's the opposite of what I want. I did reign in my eating Saturday, but I went to bed bloated and woke up retaining water like mad. Sunday I ran out of coffee mix but got one tall glass of it. I started feeling really down, like I do sometimes when I am planning to go on a diet and feel like I will be giving up all the things I like. I found myself wanting more chips. I ate a few more but realized how sad I was feeling and stopped after about five chips. I was eating because I was planning ahead to be miserable.
So yesterday was my first full day (in years) that I have gone without any caffeine, and I will tell you that I did it, but it wasn't my favorite feeling. Luckily work was a little slower so I had a chance to catch my breath between customers. By the time I got home from work I felt run-down, like I needed some sort of boost. I ate a bean burrito with melted cheese and sour cream. It was delicious. It satisfied me the rest of the night. I began to realize what I was doing even more; trying to substitute food for caffeine. That inner voice scolded me for not being smarter or more in control, but I silenced it by knowing that nothing is permanent. I am not living by someone else's rules. So, today after I'd been up a couple hours, I started to feel like I wanted to fall asleep so much so that I got that sensation where I don't want to move my arms and I was in a bit of a foul mood again and had some body aches, my limbs felt so heavy and sluggish. So I decided, between my two options of eating well and incorporating a small amount of caffeine, or ditching caffeine but eating horrible, I am better off with the first option. I had some caffeine, one Crystal Light to-go stick mixed in more water than it calls for. I can't believe how just a little bit of caffeine makes such a difference. I know that this amount is sustainable, and I am not craving junk food either. It makes me better able to focus on my healthier journey, so for now I will continue to use one serving a day. I think that is a normal and acceptable amount and shouldn't affect my heart much since I will continue losing weight by my healthier diet. It felt really good getting back on track, but boy was I a little freaked out by how easy it was to get off track. I'm happy I took the time to get my mind in a better place so I can pick up on the tricks it is trying to play. I'm not saying I will continue consuming caffeine forever, but quitting everything at once was a bit much for me. So like everything in life, you make adjustments and continue on. I'm still moving forward. Now, with a little more pep in my step.
For the past couple weeks I have been like a lady on a mission, eating pretty clean 95% of the time, weening myself off caffeine, drinking so much water I should be floating by now. I even adjusted and handled things "on the fly" as needed when something I was planning for a meal got eaten by someone else. I was feeling virtually unstoppable. Then Friday afternoon, having had only one normal sized coffee drink, I was starting to feel a slump. My husband sent a message to see what I wanted to do that night, which has, for years, meant where do we want to go out to eat. I mentioned a few places where I knew I could get something relatively low carb and still tasty. He suggested a burger stand north of the city. It has been around since 1954 and is reported to have the "best" food around. It is in a tiny town, so that's not a huge challenge to have that title. He argued that it would be their last weekend open until next spring, so I caved. I equated the drained feeling I was having to thinking maybe a cheat meal would make me feel better. I had a chicken sandwich and fries. I am starting to find that there are very few places that have any drinks that are both sugar free and caffeine free, so I settled for pink lemonade. It was, after all, a cheat meal so the extra sugars were just a part of it. Yes, I could have had water...I am such a baby, I really don't like it unless it's flavored. We had a nice time and dinner was indeed tasty. I tried to brush aside the amount of sodium I had likely consumed; it was the exception, not the rule. I found that I wasn't hungry the rest of the night, the food kind of sat like a brick in my stomach compared to what I had been eating, but I did wake the next morning famished and started my day eating sane. Back on track I told myself. Then I got home with groceries. This might be the first time I came home from shopping with no sweet stuff. No cookies, or snack cakes or ice cream. I bought a lot less snacks in general, partly because of some mysterious pains I have been having in my lower abdomen, and really because I am so sick of my kids eating 3/4 of a bag of chips and the rest goes to waste. I think in fall I will return to doing more baking of healthier snacks. Anyway, I was physically hungry when I got home from groceries after noon, so in mindful eating manner, I allowed myself to have exactly what it was I wanted, some chips with french onion dip. I ate far less than I would have in the past, and felt really satisfied. Then my brain started bugging me that that is not a "meal" and about an hour later I found myself eating a turkey sandwich. I was feeling really guilty about all the salt I was taking in, but I dismissed it, knowing that denying myself would make me ruminate on the desired thing even more.
Earlier that morning, I had started to plan out my deletion of caffeine. I told myself that once my coffee drink mix (I use Mio sugar-free) ran out I would not get more, and would essentially cut off my caffeine habit. I knew I had very little left so I was feeling a little anxious about it, feeling like I was about to go "cold turkey" into something I wasn't sure I was ready for. Later that day, I found myself craving sweets out of the blue. Like, PMS craving them. It could be ovulation, sure. I think it was my mind protesting giving up caffeine, whining like a baby, what do I have left? Still, I tried to wave it off and continued with the plan. I ended up having a micro-binge Saturday, eating lingonberry jam and a bag of gummies I'd gotten free at German Fest, and more chips. I ate until I was satisfied, and afterword I felt disappointed in myself. It's funny how that tiny little feeling in your mind's gut can make you feel so frumpy and unappealing. That's the opposite of what I want. I did reign in my eating Saturday, but I went to bed bloated and woke up retaining water like mad. Sunday I ran out of coffee mix but got one tall glass of it. I started feeling really down, like I do sometimes when I am planning to go on a diet and feel like I will be giving up all the things I like. I found myself wanting more chips. I ate a few more but realized how sad I was feeling and stopped after about five chips. I was eating because I was planning ahead to be miserable.
So yesterday was my first full day (in years) that I have gone without any caffeine, and I will tell you that I did it, but it wasn't my favorite feeling. Luckily work was a little slower so I had a chance to catch my breath between customers. By the time I got home from work I felt run-down, like I needed some sort of boost. I ate a bean burrito with melted cheese and sour cream. It was delicious. It satisfied me the rest of the night. I began to realize what I was doing even more; trying to substitute food for caffeine. That inner voice scolded me for not being smarter or more in control, but I silenced it by knowing that nothing is permanent. I am not living by someone else's rules. So, today after I'd been up a couple hours, I started to feel like I wanted to fall asleep so much so that I got that sensation where I don't want to move my arms and I was in a bit of a foul mood again and had some body aches, my limbs felt so heavy and sluggish. So I decided, between my two options of eating well and incorporating a small amount of caffeine, or ditching caffeine but eating horrible, I am better off with the first option. I had some caffeine, one Crystal Light to-go stick mixed in more water than it calls for. I can't believe how just a little bit of caffeine makes such a difference. I know that this amount is sustainable, and I am not craving junk food either. It makes me better able to focus on my healthier journey, so for now I will continue to use one serving a day. I think that is a normal and acceptable amount and shouldn't affect my heart much since I will continue losing weight by my healthier diet. It felt really good getting back on track, but boy was I a little freaked out by how easy it was to get off track. I'm happy I took the time to get my mind in a better place so I can pick up on the tricks it is trying to play. I'm not saying I will continue consuming caffeine forever, but quitting everything at once was a bit much for me. So like everything in life, you make adjustments and continue on. I'm still moving forward. Now, with a little more pep in my step.
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