Healing the Past
My sister messaged me last night, upset about our mom and the next horrible thing she has done. I cannot explain to my husband, who has had a warm, wonderful upbringing, how mentally ill my mother is. She has some ugly stuff festering inside her and she will use it against anyone, even my sister's children, then make everyone feel guilty for making her feel so put out by being awful human beings. Sounds harsh I know. Last night was a good example. My sister has 3 kids, 13 year old daughter, 9 year old son and 5 year old daughter. My mom dotes on the 5 year old but can't stand the other two children. She is very cold to them because they don't want to spend time with her (because she is very demeaning and degrading ) so she then takes that out on my sister, making her feel like a bad parent because her older kids don't want to spend time with their grandma. Last night, the 5 year old wanted to go to the park, so my mom said yes and invited (tried to force) the older kids to come along. They did not want to so my mom told the 5 year old, "That's OK, they don't want to be part of your family or mine." Obviously my mom is being triggered by something, but God forbid she could just be an adult about it and discuss it, she would rather lash out and hurt people. So my sister was pretty upset that all that happened, plus a multitude of other stuff because they live in the same city and my mom has watched her kids while she works or does home visits (she is a social worker).
I am grateful that I live more than an hour's drive away from my mom. I have spent so much time trying to overcome the things we were subjected to as kids. Total degradation on nearly a daily basis, guilt, shame for who I am, so much lack of praise and acceptance. These are the things that led me to seek comfort in food. I have been making progress in healing some of the old wounds, taking back my own self-worth, and even smoothing things out with my mom by just not bringing it up and not making waves because it is so not worth it to disagree with her, not important to be right when it will drain me of so much energy and self-worth to even try. She is the most stubborn person I have ever met.
When I hear about these things my sister goes through with her, it brings up so much from the past. Mostly, I feel like I have to put my guard up, but even when I was little, I always felt like I had to go even further; be still, be quiet, be out of the way, or try to make everyone laugh or change the subject to try and overcome the stress and the drama of my mother's rapidly changing moods. If you thought you were really something she would always have the perfect remedy for that. Then, there were times when she good, sweet and warm, doing crafts and engaging with us, taking us to Christmas shows/events, tickling us, singing for us at bedtime or reading stories in her really animated character voices...there were loving moments that we lived for, but the coldness in between, and her ability to snap at any minute thing, made it hard to feel comfortable around her, we always walked on eggshells around her.
This isn't really about bashing my mom, just a little background on some of my deeper struggles and how/when they began. The insecurity of having her as a mom and a dad who was a second or third shifter (and alcoholic when he was awake/around) led to a lot of my food issues. I suspect many people with food issues have similar stories.
So how did I start to overcome them? I had to go back to those dark places in my head and cry and then comfort that child I was. I had to start re-writing my story. Meditation has been a powerful tool in this. I began meditating and asking how I could overcome these past pains and I would listen for answers from the universe. I started forgiving my parents and focusing on those warm, loving moments (my dad is no longer an alcoholic and we have a much better relationship than when I was young). I have tried to take the advice I saw once, can't remember where, to accept an appology that was never offered. It helps. But most of all, I started to find self importance in my deeper roots, searching out my ancestors who were brave and wise. I am their blood and they are mine. I feel like they are watching over me, and have always been, even in those darkest times, and now they are telling me it is time to realize my own worth aside from my parents or my past. I am so many wonderful things, coming from a place inside me that does not change, people like me, I am helpful to a fault, I am considerate. I also realize that people take advatage of these qualities if I let them, so part of my owning my worth is learning to say No. Not in a cold manner, but in a self-preserving manner. If I don't feel like going to a party or if I don't want to live in a ghost town I am finding my voice to say, "That is not for me." I'm taking more of what I need, and trying to make the best of it when I don't get enough of what I need. I feel I am getting more adept at deciding quickly when to fight something or just let it go. The stress is usually not worth it. I am identifying people who are energy vampires and people who are addicted to drama and not letting them drag me into their drama by making very vague, non-opinionated statements that take the fire right away from the drama. I don't play those games, I am now Sweden, neutral. I truly feel that some of these changes have helped me make peace with food. I eat what I want, in moderation, and don't stress any of it. Granted, eating lower carb most of the time means I truly rarely crave sweets, but when I do I eat a sane portion sized amount of it and move on with life. Usually it is a small enough serving or low enough sugar content to not trigger more cravings. Some days I eat a lot less nutritiously than others but most days now I am happy with how I am eating. When I find myself having more cravings or wanting to eat food when I'm not hungry, I try to examine if something from my past is trying to be comforted. Sometimes I still eat after trying to analyze things, but most of the time I can figure out what is causing my desire to eat and cut it off at the pass. Sometimes I can not eat something just by questioning myself, "I'm not even hungry right now, why would I eat?"
So maybe this is a big long post with not much to say, but I think ultimately, facing my demons is what is giving me the tools to overcome my food issues. This is the key I wished I'd had all those years while I was trying every fad diet in the media. Maybe not a quick fix, but something that doesn't leave me feeling like I am constantly fighting against something, fighting to not eat XYZ or to just only eat salads and exercise like a mad woman; fighting to feel worthy and accepted and important. I'm still fighting, but now it is to find my voice, speak my truth, and own my worth. Amid all that, the food became quieted in the background. Like it is for "normal" non-food-obsessed people. Healing myself isn't about being a certain size but about becoming me in my fullest essence so that food looses its numbing and escape-seeking powers and just becomes food.
I am grateful that I live more than an hour's drive away from my mom. I have spent so much time trying to overcome the things we were subjected to as kids. Total degradation on nearly a daily basis, guilt, shame for who I am, so much lack of praise and acceptance. These are the things that led me to seek comfort in food. I have been making progress in healing some of the old wounds, taking back my own self-worth, and even smoothing things out with my mom by just not bringing it up and not making waves because it is so not worth it to disagree with her, not important to be right when it will drain me of so much energy and self-worth to even try. She is the most stubborn person I have ever met.
When I hear about these things my sister goes through with her, it brings up so much from the past. Mostly, I feel like I have to put my guard up, but even when I was little, I always felt like I had to go even further; be still, be quiet, be out of the way, or try to make everyone laugh or change the subject to try and overcome the stress and the drama of my mother's rapidly changing moods. If you thought you were really something she would always have the perfect remedy for that. Then, there were times when she good, sweet and warm, doing crafts and engaging with us, taking us to Christmas shows/events, tickling us, singing for us at bedtime or reading stories in her really animated character voices...there were loving moments that we lived for, but the coldness in between, and her ability to snap at any minute thing, made it hard to feel comfortable around her, we always walked on eggshells around her.
This isn't really about bashing my mom, just a little background on some of my deeper struggles and how/when they began. The insecurity of having her as a mom and a dad who was a second or third shifter (and alcoholic when he was awake/around) led to a lot of my food issues. I suspect many people with food issues have similar stories.
So how did I start to overcome them? I had to go back to those dark places in my head and cry and then comfort that child I was. I had to start re-writing my story. Meditation has been a powerful tool in this. I began meditating and asking how I could overcome these past pains and I would listen for answers from the universe. I started forgiving my parents and focusing on those warm, loving moments (my dad is no longer an alcoholic and we have a much better relationship than when I was young). I have tried to take the advice I saw once, can't remember where, to accept an appology that was never offered. It helps. But most of all, I started to find self importance in my deeper roots, searching out my ancestors who were brave and wise. I am their blood and they are mine. I feel like they are watching over me, and have always been, even in those darkest times, and now they are telling me it is time to realize my own worth aside from my parents or my past. I am so many wonderful things, coming from a place inside me that does not change, people like me, I am helpful to a fault, I am considerate. I also realize that people take advatage of these qualities if I let them, so part of my owning my worth is learning to say No. Not in a cold manner, but in a self-preserving manner. If I don't feel like going to a party or if I don't want to live in a ghost town I am finding my voice to say, "That is not for me." I'm taking more of what I need, and trying to make the best of it when I don't get enough of what I need. I feel I am getting more adept at deciding quickly when to fight something or just let it go. The stress is usually not worth it. I am identifying people who are energy vampires and people who are addicted to drama and not letting them drag me into their drama by making very vague, non-opinionated statements that take the fire right away from the drama. I don't play those games, I am now Sweden, neutral. I truly feel that some of these changes have helped me make peace with food. I eat what I want, in moderation, and don't stress any of it. Granted, eating lower carb most of the time means I truly rarely crave sweets, but when I do I eat a sane portion sized amount of it and move on with life. Usually it is a small enough serving or low enough sugar content to not trigger more cravings. Some days I eat a lot less nutritiously than others but most days now I am happy with how I am eating. When I find myself having more cravings or wanting to eat food when I'm not hungry, I try to examine if something from my past is trying to be comforted. Sometimes I still eat after trying to analyze things, but most of the time I can figure out what is causing my desire to eat and cut it off at the pass. Sometimes I can not eat something just by questioning myself, "I'm not even hungry right now, why would I eat?"
So maybe this is a big long post with not much to say, but I think ultimately, facing my demons is what is giving me the tools to overcome my food issues. This is the key I wished I'd had all those years while I was trying every fad diet in the media. Maybe not a quick fix, but something that doesn't leave me feeling like I am constantly fighting against something, fighting to not eat XYZ or to just only eat salads and exercise like a mad woman; fighting to feel worthy and accepted and important. I'm still fighting, but now it is to find my voice, speak my truth, and own my worth. Amid all that, the food became quieted in the background. Like it is for "normal" non-food-obsessed people. Healing myself isn't about being a certain size but about becoming me in my fullest essence so that food looses its numbing and escape-seeking powers and just becomes food.
Comments
Post a Comment