Don't Wanna

I feel like days and weeks are just whirling past so fast lately, barely enough hours to do even half of the things I want to get done before its time for bed.  Spring can be like that, I guess.  I used to let it drive me nuts, and to be honest, it still grates on my nerves a little, but I'm learning to let it go.  There's always another day to get more stuff done!  When I feel like I have too much on my plate, it does tend to make me have to choose what to focus on, and lately my focus has shifted away from worrying about what I look like or analyzing everything I am eating.  Fortunately, I have already gotten in the habbit of eating lower carb, mostly vegetarian foods, so it doesn't feel the same as when I used to go off a diet and start eating bags of candy or entire frozen pizzas by myself in one sitting. 
That being said, I don't have wild expectations for a weight change and I have not been disappointed.  I am where I commit to be.  I am maintaining nicely.  I haven't quit or gone off the rails, I am just doing what feels natural and I do feel a great peace. 
But today I caught myself saying I "need to" do XYZ and I started thinking about all the "shoulds" and the "have to's" and "need to's" and I realized that I never tell myself I "WANT" to.  It always sounds more like, "I have to start working out." "I should be doing some sort of weight training."  "I need to start stretching more."  Never ever ever do I say I want to.  And I don't do any of it.  I don't want to.  And that is the truth beneath anything I tell myself, even if I'm scolding myself in my mother's voice.  Don't wanna, not gonna.  Maybe it is that childish rebellion in me, maybe it is my sheer laziness.  The don't wanna is about more than just the actual event; I don't wanna stretch because it requires me getting up earlier and finding a way to get the dog out of his routine of getting immediately smothered with love and belly rubs the minute he sees my eyes crack open. I don't want to have to deal with my husband's displeasure if I go to bed earlier so that I'm not over-tired from getting less sleep.  I build up a lot of stuff in my mind but none of it is unsurmountable;  if I truly wanted to do it, I would find a way. So there is my answer.  Just like house cleaning, I love the results but hate the work. 
I don't have some big epiphany to share about it, not yet at least.  I just realized that telling myself I "should" or "have" to do something is very different than telling myself I want to do something. I am a little spoiled in that, when I really really want something I will just about climb mountains to get it.   So maybe I need to look a little deeper into why I don't want to do the things I think would be advantageous for me.  There are answers there somewhere, I just have to seek. 
I'm still learning and growing all the time and that makes the experience much more rewarding!


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