What it Feels Like

My mind has been bouncing around lately, along with my fluctuating hormones of course, as I read blogs, articles or Facebook posts about dieting.   Weight Watchers, Keto, Noom, still some folks doing the hardcore Paleo and of course, Veganism.  That last one's not really a diet, perse, but it does constitute eliminating food groups so I lump it in there because lately there is so much hype around it being the be-all-end-all.  I used to eat a vegan diet.  The thing is, I really love dairy and I don't care what you say to me, I have tried all sorts of vegan dairy (it is so expensive by the way) and there simply is no substitute.  Anyway, diet talk abound!  Some folks I follow are doing well with their diets, most people are struggling, some people are really pushing themselves hard and seeing results.  I get so inspired by other people's stories, successful or not, and I feel artificially motivated to try and push msyelf harder.  Because, if I'm being honest, I don't really do that much to improve my health.  That being said, I am not self-sabotaging either, I am just living life, eating mostly productive stuff. 
But the back and forth my mind goes through is such familiar territory for me.  Go hardcore!  Trust when your body needs a rest!  Newsflash, it always feels like it needs a rest.
Over the weekend, with "Aunt Flow" coming for a visit, I ate some unplanned stuff, things I don't typically eat unless I'm being swayed by hormones.  Chips with sour cream, and even a couple donuts.  And as I was eating that stuff, and after when we went for a car ride and I enjoyed a Diet Coke I realized that I am putting all this stress on myself over the food and drink and none of it is life-changing.  Sure, if I got really restrictive with my food I could lose weight.  But I'm not really sure I even care about the external anymore.  I feel like my hyperfocus on my physique is melting away. 
I do have goals, but punishing myself for an occasional pile of salty chips or Diet Coke is not productive.  Feeling bad about anything I put in my mouth (unless it truly tastes foul) is so counter-productive to the peace and contentment I am seeking.  I am focusing on all of this out of habit. 
In the past, I would have said these things as an excuse to eat whatever I think should be "forbidden" but now I know that so much more than all of that crap, is just simply being OK with food.  I don't feel like I need to cram my style of eating into someone else's plan. 
Do you want to know what that feels like?  It's like the first really nice late spring day when you can take off the jackets and sweaters and feel the warm breeze on your arms.  It feels like a cozy sunday with no major plans.  It feels like a warm hug.  I'm not even mad that it took me this long to figure this out.  I feel so free and good.  I am unconcerned about the noise surrounding the diet industry, whose only goal is to make me feel bad about myself so I buy their products and services. I am, slowly but surely, becoming perfectly OK with myself and because of that, I am seeing through the lies I used to tell myself about my body.  I'm not delusional, I just don't care about the facade anymore.  What was broken was not the external, it is the internal stuff and I am figuring out what I healing that all on my own, thanks to a few great books/authors. I wish this for everyone, but I know not everyone is right for this path.  Pushing, working, gritting of the teeth; that's OK for many and I applaud them, but for me that was all so temporary and it left me feeling worse than ever when I couldn't keep it up.  I don't think this should be such a struggle; daily life shouldn't be so hard on our hearts and minds.  I'm sorry for anyone who is struggling right now.  I am cheering everyone on from the sidelines as I take in the first summer breeze on my bare arms! 


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