Who Cares?
Next month I will have been writing this blog for 9 years. I was originally inspired by a blog I'd found during a long "research" session in hopes someone out there had the answer to losing weight and keeping it off. I was drawn in by the blog's writer, so human and at the time, so successful and I followed religiously as she fell in and out of that success, but every time she'd try again I would be so inspired and motivated to try along with her. So many of the comments were of people going through the same thing, up and down the scale, so much support and love and a lot of unsolicited advice. She dropped off Blogger a few months ago, took her blog down and I really really miss her blog. At the same time, it's a brutal reminder of how tough this battle is every day, and if you're not equipped with ironclad coping strategies, things will go as they always have, even if it takes a while to get back there. I don't want to seem like a Debby-Downer, but I have very little faith in long-term weight loss, especially as I work my way through perimenopause.
That has a way of making me feel one of two things: on the one hand that makes me feel like I am going to do what people think I can't, push really hard and nail my goals. Except, my body is starting to remind me that I'm not 25 anymore. My ankle is swollen for about 2 weeks now and I can't remember doing anything in particular to hurt it. It's the same foot where I broke a bone under the ball of my big toe last Christmas so that whole foot sort of hurts and I am treating it gingerly. My wrists are starting to ache and fingers, and I have arthritis starting in a few spots, I'm starting to question if I have either carpal tunnel or tennis elbow because my hands have been going numb when I have my arms/wrists in certain positions. I am already a basket case and I'm not even 50 yet.
My other response is the opposite end of the spectrum, who cares.
I have written of the dual sides before, and used the analogy of bouncing off the walls between determination and giving up and being comfortable. Discipline is tricky, if it's not fueled by desire it becomes too tedious to stick to. And the desire has to be genuine and personal.
This morning I was recognizing myself wanting. Why can't I lose weight? Why can't I stick to something and give it enough juice to have it make a difference? And then that contested answer came from an subconscious place, who cares?! Why do I care sometimes and so much the opposite at others?
Again I revisited the losing weight vs being healthy argument in my head. I really do think that my true desire is to be healthy, not necessarily thin. I have been so programmed to desire looking a certain way that it's hard to put that aside and focus on the healthy part. I really feel like the more I look at different ways of eating (vegetarian, keto, whole-food, etc) some are really focused on the weight loss, some are focused on the health, and everyone's says the other one is "bad for you". I saw something this morning stating that a plant-based diet is really bad for your health, then there's a bunch of articles saying keto diet is bad, then you have the ketotarian diet that combines both. It makes my head spin. I know for myself, structured discipline only works for so long and I lose interest. Maybe I'm not creative enough with my food. I work for a living, the times when I can have freshed-cooked meals straight from the pan are few and far between. I find most recipes, having to eat them later, reheated, suffer from texture issues. So finding healthy foods that can either be prepped quickly in the morning or on Sunday for the week, and still have good taste and texture is no easy task. I am also picky about so many foods and don't love meat, especially not reheated meat. So here I am in the same place I've ever been, wanting to eat good, unprocessed, low-carb foods that boost my estrogen and not having much to go on. It may be time for a trip to the library. I think I want to put the focus on menopause diet and antinflammatory. I will hopefully have more time to think this out over the weekend.
I skipped yoga all weekend and Monday. I really don't have a good excuse, I am just not loving this particular series. Today I completed day 28 of the 30-day series. I seriously need to decide what I'm going to do on Friday when that series is done and I am awake at 4:15 ready for some sort of exercise. I may just freestyle dance, freestyle yoga or maybe dust off my free weights and do a little something. It will be a mystery until it happens perhaps, but whatever I end of up doing, I will have the weekend to figure myself out so I have a plan in place going forward.
I am noticing the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) hanging over me so I think I will have to get my Happy Light out and start using it tonight. I miss the sun, but I don't miss the itchy rash that came along with it! I miss beach days and warm countryside drives in my tankdress. I miss wearing sandals and having pretty painted toenails. Ah well, such is the change of seasons. If we didn't have them I wouldn't appreciate when the days start staying brighter longer and the blossoming trees, oh and the way those trees smell when they are in full bloom! Can't wait for spring! Lol.
That has a way of making me feel one of two things: on the one hand that makes me feel like I am going to do what people think I can't, push really hard and nail my goals. Except, my body is starting to remind me that I'm not 25 anymore. My ankle is swollen for about 2 weeks now and I can't remember doing anything in particular to hurt it. It's the same foot where I broke a bone under the ball of my big toe last Christmas so that whole foot sort of hurts and I am treating it gingerly. My wrists are starting to ache and fingers, and I have arthritis starting in a few spots, I'm starting to question if I have either carpal tunnel or tennis elbow because my hands have been going numb when I have my arms/wrists in certain positions. I am already a basket case and I'm not even 50 yet.
My other response is the opposite end of the spectrum, who cares.
I have written of the dual sides before, and used the analogy of bouncing off the walls between determination and giving up and being comfortable. Discipline is tricky, if it's not fueled by desire it becomes too tedious to stick to. And the desire has to be genuine and personal.
This morning I was recognizing myself wanting. Why can't I lose weight? Why can't I stick to something and give it enough juice to have it make a difference? And then that contested answer came from an subconscious place, who cares?! Why do I care sometimes and so much the opposite at others?
Again I revisited the losing weight vs being healthy argument in my head. I really do think that my true desire is to be healthy, not necessarily thin. I have been so programmed to desire looking a certain way that it's hard to put that aside and focus on the healthy part. I really feel like the more I look at different ways of eating (vegetarian, keto, whole-food, etc) some are really focused on the weight loss, some are focused on the health, and everyone's says the other one is "bad for you". I saw something this morning stating that a plant-based diet is really bad for your health, then there's a bunch of articles saying keto diet is bad, then you have the ketotarian diet that combines both. It makes my head spin. I know for myself, structured discipline only works for so long and I lose interest. Maybe I'm not creative enough with my food. I work for a living, the times when I can have freshed-cooked meals straight from the pan are few and far between. I find most recipes, having to eat them later, reheated, suffer from texture issues. So finding healthy foods that can either be prepped quickly in the morning or on Sunday for the week, and still have good taste and texture is no easy task. I am also picky about so many foods and don't love meat, especially not reheated meat. So here I am in the same place I've ever been, wanting to eat good, unprocessed, low-carb foods that boost my estrogen and not having much to go on. It may be time for a trip to the library. I think I want to put the focus on menopause diet and antinflammatory. I will hopefully have more time to think this out over the weekend.
I skipped yoga all weekend and Monday. I really don't have a good excuse, I am just not loving this particular series. Today I completed day 28 of the 30-day series. I seriously need to decide what I'm going to do on Friday when that series is done and I am awake at 4:15 ready for some sort of exercise. I may just freestyle dance, freestyle yoga or maybe dust off my free weights and do a little something. It will be a mystery until it happens perhaps, but whatever I end of up doing, I will have the weekend to figure myself out so I have a plan in place going forward.
I am noticing the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) hanging over me so I think I will have to get my Happy Light out and start using it tonight. I miss the sun, but I don't miss the itchy rash that came along with it! I miss beach days and warm countryside drives in my tankdress. I miss wearing sandals and having pretty painted toenails. Ah well, such is the change of seasons. If we didn't have them I wouldn't appreciate when the days start staying brighter longer and the blossoming trees, oh and the way those trees smell when they are in full bloom! Can't wait for spring! Lol.
Weirdly enough, in some ways I am finding it easier now that I am in menopause. I guess because I am more willing to figure out what feels right *for me*, v. worrying about what others are doing or expecting. There are folks who have lost and kept off a significant amount of weight for a long period of time. They may be the exception but if one person can do it then it isn't impossible! In any case, good luck and take care.
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