Bringing Sanity Back
When I started my second yoga series in August I took measurements and weight and I swear I typed them into a note on my phone but I can't find them anywhere. When I got done with my second 30-day yoga series I definitely felt leaner and tighter but when you are nearly 200 pounds that doesn't make that big of a difference in how you look. Today was the first time I got on a scale in a few months, as I don't generally make a habit of it and it can certainly change how I feel about myself. I weighed at work on a very good quality scale (I work in a medical clinic); I just happened to be on my way to the bathroom and it came out at 194.2. Then I emptied my bladder and weighed again and it was 193.4. It's odd to me that it can change that dramatically in a minute's time. It's one of the reasons I don't let the scale be the be-all-end-all in my journey. But I have been thinking about being more structured about weighing in. Verdict is still out on that.
I danced again for my cardio this morning. I forgot to tell my Fitbit I was working out until 15 minutes into my workout, but I still went another 18 minutes after that plus a cool down. So I am getting a good amount of fire going in the morning. My knee and ankle are bothering me more today so I will have to get creative with what else I can do to stoke the fire on days where my joints hurt. I may have to unburry those dumbbells I have stuffed somewhere deep in the closet. If I do interval training I can count it as cardio.
Today when I was getting ready I was noticing how saggy my upper arms are and it really bothers me. I spent a few minutes in regret about not fixing the weight when I was younger and my skin had more elasticity, but then I realized that regret does nothing for me at this point. I can't change the past but I can fix how I feel about it.
I do have a tendency to allow other things to come in and distract me from focusing on myself and there seems to be this internal drama always going on inside me, the uncertainty about which so-called-expert to listen to where nutrition is concerned, what aspect of health to focus on, which way of thinking to follow (nose-to-the-grindstone/tough love vs. loving gentle, fix-my-relationship-with-myself method. These uncertainties are also an excuse to do nothing and I am aware of it but I still justify my lack of trying with them instead of simply allowing myself to "take a break" from worrying about every little morsel I put in my mouth.
So I have gained weight. My most recent low over the summer was 185 now I'm 193. Not earth-shattering but I can feel it in my clothes and in my self-image/self-esteem. I want to feel good and confident and have energy and feel young and pretty. I don't. That's the emotional and mental side I have yet to put in order and haven't given enough time and focus to.
Today I quickly hashed out a list of things that I am certain of. It included things like "Impressing doctors motivates me" and "I don't like Kale, no matter how it's prepared". I also had things that trigger me to eating when I'm not hungry, etc. I know I have to have food that tastes good and doesn't take too long to prepare in order to stick to eating it. I know I don't like re-heated meat of any kind. I know I want to feel better. Little truths that I can claim so it takes a little of the uncertainty out of this journey. I intend to also make a list of foods that I genuinely like/love so I can create a master list of foods that I can draw from when my creativity is low and I need to plan for a week. I may start by logging foods and how I feel about it as I eat it so I can remember what it was that I did or didn't like about a food. I often remember a dish I'd prepared in the past and add it into my menu because it's low carb, only to realize a few days in that I really didn't enjoy it that much because of a texture or a flavor or lack of freshness after a few days, etc.
I am also thinking of keeping a journal with me so I can jot things down throughout the day, emotions and how I reacted to things, thoughts about the past and how I allow it to still affect me in ways that drive me to eat emotionally, ideas for change, etc. I will have fun finding a fancy journal to do this and I plan on keeping it with me most of the time. I know I can do it digitally but it's not the same.
The other thing I am seriously considering (again) is going back on the South Beach diet. It will give me some structure without being so strict that I can't eat out at a restaurant. I like the SBD because it is sensible and it retrains my brain to consider the quality of the carbs I am taking in. There is freedom to have grains occassionally so I don't feel like I am selling my soul if I have a slice of bread, and it will help me be more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth instead of giving up and eating a burrito because I don't want to have to think about what advice to follow. I do think there is room for all three of my weight loss gurus to be involved in my plan, SBD, Geneen Roth's mindful eating method and Brain Over Binge lessons. One gives structure, one teaches me how to put focus on my emotional triggers and one teaches me how to move past/break the physical triggers. Sounds like a trifecta, no?
I will also be working through how to make this a part of my life while not having it be stressful, and while also sharing focus on some unrelated projects that will be very rewarding to me in other ways. There is room for all of it if I can learn the delicate art of balance. I'm still learning!
With the start of this healthy challenge at work and the holidays just around the corner, I think now is actually the perfect time to start putting all these pieces together. I'm looking forward to putting the order and sanity back in my life.
I danced again for my cardio this morning. I forgot to tell my Fitbit I was working out until 15 minutes into my workout, but I still went another 18 minutes after that plus a cool down. So I am getting a good amount of fire going in the morning. My knee and ankle are bothering me more today so I will have to get creative with what else I can do to stoke the fire on days where my joints hurt. I may have to unburry those dumbbells I have stuffed somewhere deep in the closet. If I do interval training I can count it as cardio.
Today when I was getting ready I was noticing how saggy my upper arms are and it really bothers me. I spent a few minutes in regret about not fixing the weight when I was younger and my skin had more elasticity, but then I realized that regret does nothing for me at this point. I can't change the past but I can fix how I feel about it.
I do have a tendency to allow other things to come in and distract me from focusing on myself and there seems to be this internal drama always going on inside me, the uncertainty about which so-called-expert to listen to where nutrition is concerned, what aspect of health to focus on, which way of thinking to follow (nose-to-the-grindstone/tough love vs. loving gentle, fix-my-relationship-with-myself method. These uncertainties are also an excuse to do nothing and I am aware of it but I still justify my lack of trying with them instead of simply allowing myself to "take a break" from worrying about every little morsel I put in my mouth.
So I have gained weight. My most recent low over the summer was 185 now I'm 193. Not earth-shattering but I can feel it in my clothes and in my self-image/self-esteem. I want to feel good and confident and have energy and feel young and pretty. I don't. That's the emotional and mental side I have yet to put in order and haven't given enough time and focus to.
Today I quickly hashed out a list of things that I am certain of. It included things like "Impressing doctors motivates me" and "I don't like Kale, no matter how it's prepared". I also had things that trigger me to eating when I'm not hungry, etc. I know I have to have food that tastes good and doesn't take too long to prepare in order to stick to eating it. I know I don't like re-heated meat of any kind. I know I want to feel better. Little truths that I can claim so it takes a little of the uncertainty out of this journey. I intend to also make a list of foods that I genuinely like/love so I can create a master list of foods that I can draw from when my creativity is low and I need to plan for a week. I may start by logging foods and how I feel about it as I eat it so I can remember what it was that I did or didn't like about a food. I often remember a dish I'd prepared in the past and add it into my menu because it's low carb, only to realize a few days in that I really didn't enjoy it that much because of a texture or a flavor or lack of freshness after a few days, etc.
I am also thinking of keeping a journal with me so I can jot things down throughout the day, emotions and how I reacted to things, thoughts about the past and how I allow it to still affect me in ways that drive me to eat emotionally, ideas for change, etc. I will have fun finding a fancy journal to do this and I plan on keeping it with me most of the time. I know I can do it digitally but it's not the same.
The other thing I am seriously considering (again) is going back on the South Beach diet. It will give me some structure without being so strict that I can't eat out at a restaurant. I like the SBD because it is sensible and it retrains my brain to consider the quality of the carbs I am taking in. There is freedom to have grains occassionally so I don't feel like I am selling my soul if I have a slice of bread, and it will help me be more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth instead of giving up and eating a burrito because I don't want to have to think about what advice to follow. I do think there is room for all three of my weight loss gurus to be involved in my plan, SBD, Geneen Roth's mindful eating method and Brain Over Binge lessons. One gives structure, one teaches me how to put focus on my emotional triggers and one teaches me how to move past/break the physical triggers. Sounds like a trifecta, no?
I will also be working through how to make this a part of my life while not having it be stressful, and while also sharing focus on some unrelated projects that will be very rewarding to me in other ways. There is room for all of it if I can learn the delicate art of balance. I'm still learning!
With the start of this healthy challenge at work and the holidays just around the corner, I think now is actually the perfect time to start putting all these pieces together. I'm looking forward to putting the order and sanity back in my life.
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ReplyDeleteI am unhappy with my upper arms too. I won't wear shirts with sleeves that are too short. That balance that you mentioned is something I am trying to find too, but unsuccessful so far! Still trying, though.
DeleteP.S. I had to delete my first attempt at a comment because I was logged into an old account that doesn't have a blog anymore. Sorry about that!
Sweat and Sparkle, if only we had all the answers to that balance thing, right? I have been wearing sleeveless shirts the past couple summers and telling myself how my arms look doesn't dictate my worth as a person, but when I face myself in the mirror I sure do wish they didn't jiggle and wag quite as much as they do.
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