So Long
Last night I was too tired to journal, and my dog was extra clingy so I gave into his persistent nose nudge and loved him up. My husband comes home late tonight so the dog should be feeling better. Me too.
Just because I didn't journal doesn't mean I didn't find things to be grateful for. My younger son came out with me and the dog last night. Sometimes that makes the dog feel safer and he will do his business better, but last night was a bust. Still, it felt nice to have him out in the fresh night air with me. He has anxiety and tires easily due to his scoliosis and foot pronation, but he said it felt good to be out at night too. I was also grateful that there really wasn't any obstacle to me having a relaxing evening and getting to go to bed early. There are a million small thoughts of appreciation that I have every day, grateful to have a warm place to live, have a good job and good insurance, have a marriage that makes me feel appreciated and comforted, grateful my kids are going through their teens gracefully considering. A million things, I tell you, so much to be gratful for.
For me, I think the tougher challenge will be to complain less, and in the process of trying to change that, I want to figure out why I do it so changing the habit will be easier.
Today as I started writing in my food thoughts journal, I realized that I was doing the familiar thing in obssessing over food-overanalyzing it to confusion. I kept going back and forth about giving up caffeine, going vegan, South Beach, and anti-inflammatory diet, etc etc. As I stood there in the kitchen overthinking it all I noticed a deep furl in my brow. I am straight up irritating myself with how over-complicated everything is and it makes me want to give up altogether. So there was another truth I wrote in my food journal: 'The more complicated the food plan is, the less likely I am to enjoy it or follow it.' This is why South Beach has worked for me, a few simple rules, a pretty extensive list of what you CAN eat, and some freedom to do what you like within those few rules. For myself, I may track calories and such for a bit to see where I am at. I have been very uncommited to clean food the past few weeks, I keep planning to get back on track at a future date. Even this morning I was thinking about how absurd it would be to start a clean eating plan right before Christmas and considered waiting for the new year. The thought of it had me dreaming of the indulgence of freedom with food. I can eat this because I'm starting my diet Jan 1. All too familiar in my brain. My husband, who has never had a weight issue in his whole life, doesn't understand that concept. He said, "Why would you add extra weight for yourself to have to take off later?" It's the lamenting of the things you "won't be allowed" to eat once you are dieting. It's emotional, deprivation, being told no is not comfortable, especially when it is something that brings you temporary comfort and then you have to try and make due without it.
Here's what I know about my compulsive eating issues; if I don't pay attention to it, if I'm not mindful of what's going on behind the scenes, it absolutely runs the show. That being said, if I am forcing myself to do things that I don't enjoy I will not only drop-out of it, but I will rebel against it. I want to fix my food issues because I want to be healthy and have less pain, but I also want to eat treats and goodies, so there's a conflict there. It's the why I want to eat goodies that is the ticket to ending the yo-yo food stuff; on-plan, off-plan, on-plan, off-plan. So complicated in itself. This is where the Brain Over Binge Recovery Guide is going to come in for me, to help me break the physical habits of rewarding myself and stimulating the reward centers of the brain with food; reinforcing bad habits and leading to memory-cravings. South Beach Diet helps because I can make and eat what I want within the guidelines and it does help me reduce the sugar cravings. Geneen Roth's books help me to find the gentleness within while I explore emotional triggers that make me want to eat when I'm not hungry. My main obstacle right here in this moment is the idea of deprivation so that is something I will need to have a better handle on before I clean up my act again.
Last night I had a compulsive overeating incident, really focused on fats (a single-serve french bread cheeze pizza and some nachos and a slightly sweet fig bar to end on a high note) and I realized that the dog stressed me out and it's not comfortable when my husband's gone and I was craving rest and rejuvenation that just didn't feel posible at the time. I did get some good rest after my binge and feel a lot better today. I'm still figuring things out one day at a time. And I guess that's what this whole thing is about right? I don't blog because I have the answers, but to hopefully work through things until I finally have them. I am still hopeful. I am still working. I am beginning to fix my focus so I can acheive these goals I have had for so very long.
Just because I didn't journal doesn't mean I didn't find things to be grateful for. My younger son came out with me and the dog last night. Sometimes that makes the dog feel safer and he will do his business better, but last night was a bust. Still, it felt nice to have him out in the fresh night air with me. He has anxiety and tires easily due to his scoliosis and foot pronation, but he said it felt good to be out at night too. I was also grateful that there really wasn't any obstacle to me having a relaxing evening and getting to go to bed early. There are a million small thoughts of appreciation that I have every day, grateful to have a warm place to live, have a good job and good insurance, have a marriage that makes me feel appreciated and comforted, grateful my kids are going through their teens gracefully considering. A million things, I tell you, so much to be gratful for.
For me, I think the tougher challenge will be to complain less, and in the process of trying to change that, I want to figure out why I do it so changing the habit will be easier.
Today as I started writing in my food thoughts journal, I realized that I was doing the familiar thing in obssessing over food-overanalyzing it to confusion. I kept going back and forth about giving up caffeine, going vegan, South Beach, and anti-inflammatory diet, etc etc. As I stood there in the kitchen overthinking it all I noticed a deep furl in my brow. I am straight up irritating myself with how over-complicated everything is and it makes me want to give up altogether. So there was another truth I wrote in my food journal: 'The more complicated the food plan is, the less likely I am to enjoy it or follow it.' This is why South Beach has worked for me, a few simple rules, a pretty extensive list of what you CAN eat, and some freedom to do what you like within those few rules. For myself, I may track calories and such for a bit to see where I am at. I have been very uncommited to clean food the past few weeks, I keep planning to get back on track at a future date. Even this morning I was thinking about how absurd it would be to start a clean eating plan right before Christmas and considered waiting for the new year. The thought of it had me dreaming of the indulgence of freedom with food. I can eat this because I'm starting my diet Jan 1. All too familiar in my brain. My husband, who has never had a weight issue in his whole life, doesn't understand that concept. He said, "Why would you add extra weight for yourself to have to take off later?" It's the lamenting of the things you "won't be allowed" to eat once you are dieting. It's emotional, deprivation, being told no is not comfortable, especially when it is something that brings you temporary comfort and then you have to try and make due without it.
Here's what I know about my compulsive eating issues; if I don't pay attention to it, if I'm not mindful of what's going on behind the scenes, it absolutely runs the show. That being said, if I am forcing myself to do things that I don't enjoy I will not only drop-out of it, but I will rebel against it. I want to fix my food issues because I want to be healthy and have less pain, but I also want to eat treats and goodies, so there's a conflict there. It's the why I want to eat goodies that is the ticket to ending the yo-yo food stuff; on-plan, off-plan, on-plan, off-plan. So complicated in itself. This is where the Brain Over Binge Recovery Guide is going to come in for me, to help me break the physical habits of rewarding myself and stimulating the reward centers of the brain with food; reinforcing bad habits and leading to memory-cravings. South Beach Diet helps because I can make and eat what I want within the guidelines and it does help me reduce the sugar cravings. Geneen Roth's books help me to find the gentleness within while I explore emotional triggers that make me want to eat when I'm not hungry. My main obstacle right here in this moment is the idea of deprivation so that is something I will need to have a better handle on before I clean up my act again.
Last night I had a compulsive overeating incident, really focused on fats (a single-serve french bread cheeze pizza and some nachos and a slightly sweet fig bar to end on a high note) and I realized that the dog stressed me out and it's not comfortable when my husband's gone and I was craving rest and rejuvenation that just didn't feel posible at the time. I did get some good rest after my binge and feel a lot better today. I'm still figuring things out one day at a time. And I guess that's what this whole thing is about right? I don't blog because I have the answers, but to hopefully work through things until I finally have them. I am still hopeful. I am still working. I am beginning to fix my focus so I can acheive these goals I have had for so very long.
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