Ready

Today was one of those mornings where my morning alarm startled me and I jolted out of bed feeling well-rested and rejuvenated.  I love it when that happens!  So it only made sense to me to dance this morning.  I turned the christmas lights on  and danced myself sweaty while my family slept cozily in their beds, unaware of the one-person-party that was going on in the living room at 4:30am.  They were clearly not invited, but the dog was. He looked at me like I was insane, which made me laugh.  Lately I always check my fitbit to see how good of a workout it was.  The 30+ minute walks with the dog, the dancing, the real walks for exercise...I think dancing burns as much if not more calories than that because my arms are involved.  Today's dancing burnt 187 calories, Sunday's 60 minute walk at a brisk pace burned 420 calories for 60 minutes.  One felt way more fun and didn't involve being careful on ice or walking through mud.
This positive mental space carried over to breakfast, where I was considering having a bagel but decided to stick with my planned breakfast of egg patty and hash brown patty.  On the plate it looks like such a small amount of food but with the two large iced coffee drinks, my breakfast was 548 calories. I reminded myself that I am not trying to eat enough to last a whole day, but jusAnd, not a lot of nutritional value to those calories.  I know that potatoes are controversial, some say they are a great addition to a healthy diet, some almost treat them like they are evil.  I really love potatoes and will likely have them from time to time even when I clean up my diet.  I put them in the plans this week because I am eating what I like and they were what I was craving (fats and salt this week).  In the middle of the tracking making me feel deprived, having something I really want makes a big difference. 
So I looked on the whole calorie budget and tracking thing with fresh eyes today. I can think of it as a sort of deprivation but the sacrifice I am making now by eating whatever I want is that I am not losing weight and it's is putting a burden on my health and physical state of wellbeing.  I am worth the effort.  There will be days when I want to throw it all out the window because I am so accustomed to using food to "cope" with life but a fresh mindset is settling in that I get whatever calories I get and if I am stressed out I will have to find another way to work through it.  Everything can be accommodated for once I get an idea of calories and how things work into the budget.  One thing I know will likely have to happen is I will have to find lower-calorie condiments instead of cheese and sour cream! 
I am giving myself the next 3 weeks of eating what I want to help me be mindful about how and what I'm eating.  I will officially start moving forward with the calorie budget on January 1, 2020, the year of vision.  Though I am not intentionally eating in any one way (low carb, keto whatever) I know that having a calorie budget and still needing to eat 6 times a day will mean I have to eat pretty clean in order to stay under budget.
I have unearthed my dumbbells too, so those might be making an appearance soon, and I plan to do weigh-ins as well, maybe measurements though I have always found that tedious and a little subjective (am I holding the tape in the same spot?  Am I pulling it tighter or looser than I did last time? Am I relaxing my muscle the same amount?)  Compared to yesterday, I feel much more at ease with the idea of being more in control of my food in the new year.  I am looking forward to meeting the challenge head-on, and looking and feeling better from my efforts.  And, knocking my doctor's socks off with good results of my next physical exam! 
The new year may be 3 weeks away but I am feeling ready!