Friday, September 23, 2011

Beautiful, Elusive Sleep

After several very restless nights of sleep, I finally got a few good hours interspersed with some more restless sleep.  It is starting to worry me, because this is exactly how I felt when I was first diagnosed with hypertension and high cholesterol.  I know stress can be a huge factor in not sleeping well, and I can say I have my share of that.  On top of it, I am coming down with a head cold that has a constant tickle at the back of my throat, and was forced by my work to get a flu shot yesterday (it was either that, or wear a mask from now until the end of May) which left my entire upper arm sore and gave me a fever that had me tossing and turning. 
Right before bed my husband showed me his latest photos, which had him posing with a topless girl in very provocative manner.  I knew that's what the shoot was, and that the model is a lesbian, and I gave my OK because I don't want to hold him back.  It does still effect me emotionally to see it though.  He is sensitive to my feelings and wanted to keep the photos from me, but I told him it would only make me think they are worse than they are.  I didn't know she would be topless, so that took me by surprise.  He assured me that when he is on a shoot, all he thinks about is how he looks, and pays very little attention to anyone/thing else.  And he looks at the photos from a purely artistic standpoint, the lines, the lighting, how great his muscles look.   I am trying to be as supportive as I can, but it still bothers me.  That is my own hang up I guess.  It didn't help me sleep though.
Today is the day my grandma is taken off life support.  I have chosen not to see her in that state because while I wasn't extremely close with her, I remember her so warmly, always smiling or laughing at herself.  Since my grandfather passed away a few years ago, she always felt like a burden to my mom and her siblings who cared for her, and the smile dissappeared from her face.  She has been telling her children that she is ready, and I feel it really is her will.  It makes it easier for me.
I know once I am through this little spell of sickness, death and stress, I will be stronger on the other side and better able to get back on track.  I am starting to see the negative impact of my bad choices already, by how I look and feel, and how that affects my mood.  I feel old and achey and jiggly.  But, knowing the family history of heart issues and cancer, and knowing that I am already a candidate for heart issues, I know I can not continue to let things slide.  If I let things go for too much longer, I will end up back on medication, and then they might as well add an anti-depressant because I will feel like a complete loser.  And not the good kind.
I know that, mentally, the only way I am going to deal with my husband's new found love of being photographed and adored is to make myself stronger, and stop reacting so emotionally to things.  Once I begin to make healthy choices, everything else will fall into place.  I can't control what he does or how it makes me feel, but I can control how I feel about myself, and that is where strength comes from.  It's almost like starting over for me, because right now I am in the same place I was for years, thinking to myself, wow, you really need to make some changes, but not feeling strong enough to do it.  But, just as I always knew I could and would do it someday, I know now that I will be able to get back on track and see it through to fruition.  I knew this journey wouldn't always be easy.  I knew I wouldn't always have iron-clad resolve.  It is the realization of those truths that has shown me that just because I'm not strong one day or one week, doesn't mean I will never be strong enough to do it.  I am still on my way, I just needed a little psychotic break. 
I am looking forward to a low-key weekend with my family, including some extra rest, and a bunch of fresh, fall air.  Hope you all have a fantastic weekend!

2 comments:

  1. Wow that's rough. I don't know how I would feel about my boyfriend posing with a topless woman. Not great, I know that much.
    So sorry to hear about your Grandmother. I lost my Gram in January. My heart goes out to you.

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  2. Thanks Vixen, I'm glad it's not just me. Sorry for your loss as well.

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