Yesterday I found out, via Facebook no less, that my last remaining grandparent is in the process of passing away. She will be taken off life support tomorrow, and will mark my third grandparent to pass away from heart complications.
In logic, one would think that fact would be enough to make me straighten up and take care of myself, but in reality, it just the latest in the string of things leading me to comfort/stress eating. I am not eating bad all day every day, but I find that I reach a breaking point, that one event per day that just sets it off, and then I have some garbage. I feel like a total mess right now. My marriage is at a low point, there are continued problems with our daycare situation for our autistic kids, my grandma is passing, my mom's a mess, my car is falling apart and I can't afford to fix it nor get a new one. The list goes on. And it makes me wonder how my resolve was so strong when I began this journey. It isn't like I have more stress now than I did then, just different things to stress about. The difference is, when I was new to this, I didn't let things get in my way or derail me. I had such a strong sense of purpose and direction, and was rarely swayed. I feel so weak in comparison right now. And I know some of it has to do with my once-greatest supporter being a lot more emotionally available then than he is now, but I have to remind myself that it was ALL ME doing the good stuff, and right now, it is all me doing the bad stuff. Every last bit of it is a choice.
For now, I am just trying to muddle through this phase, trying to make sense of how I let things (including my self esteem and self worth) slip, and how to avoid it when I make a fresh start. As always, I am still on this continuum, and not far off the path I was on, I just need a little breather and I'll be right as rain.
Hope you are all fairing well. Thanks for reading!