Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Cracks in the Foundation

I can see how easily a tiny crack can compromise a strong foundation, and how several repeated blasts can make that foundation quiver.  
The weekend was where I started to see some cracks in my own "diet" mentality, and the reason behind my subjecting myself to yet another diet.  The ridiculous way my mind works sometimes, makes me feel like I am simultaneously a child and my own mother.  When I'm not dieting, going grocery shopping is a refreshing adventure, and it usually inspires me to choose healthy foods to eat for the week.  It's a little strange that my positive mindset about food begins in a place where there are far more foods that take me from good health than toward it.  But the psychology behind that is, when I know I can eat whatever I want, I am inspired to choose healthy food.  Grocery shopping on a diet, especially such a restrictive diet as the ketogenic phase of South Beach, especially doing it vegetarian, is...well, it is a head trip.  While I was shopping over the weekend I was hyper-focused on all the things I couldn't have.  And I kept looking for vegetarian proteins that I can tolerate and the smell of the pizza being baked for samples and the rice and bread all swirled around me and I got so irritable that all I wanted to do was get out of there and go end my diet with a binge.  But I didn't.  I did question why I am doing this (like, a million times I asked myself that question over the weekend) but I just stayed on track.  I am doing this to heal my gut and my mind, and jumping right back into mindless eating would be throwing myself back into the fire of mental agony and physical hell.  I thought about the bloated feeling that was normal to me, but not comfortable.  I thought about where going back on the other road would play out, and I knew it would lead to an out-of-control place, which means I am not ready to add that kind of freedom back into my diet.  But I questioned and requestioned myself on the whole deprivation facet of dieting., which goes against the philosophy of freeing myself from emotional eating, as Geneen Roth teaches.  The reason her work resonates with me is because she explains how to explore those deep places where I am broken, so I can get over the habits of using food inappropriately.  It makes me think of my mind-food connection and promotes awareness as the key to overcoming my obstacles with food.  But when I began this, a little more than a week ago, I realized that both the South Beach Diet and the internal work and awareness are tools I can use to further myself toward normalcy.  I know that weighing less won't make my other problems away.  I also know that my weight is not the important part of my reconnecting with myself.  
So I have stayed on track, even though part of me has been pouting and wants to rebel.  My son has been sick with stomach flu the past two days, and my sympathetic stomach was feeling so off yesterday that I was fighting with myself over having some candied ginger that I have in the house, or taking some Tums. Both are loaded with sugar, so I told myself if I truly felt aweful I could have some, and instead are very light yesterday.  For the entire day I only ate dry-roasted peanuts and Greek yogurt.  Thankfully I woke up hungry and got some better nutrition this morning, I was actually craving steamed broccoli and asparagus, that's a change from this weekend when I would've about chopped a toe off for a slice of pizza.  
I hopped on the scale this morning, and it showed a 7 pound loss, which I will admit, felt good, but I was already quite aware of how much better I was feeling and how much a difference there is in the way my clothes fit.  Next Monday I will begin phase 2, adding in some carbs with one grain and one fruit each day, then the next two weeks I can increase it by one grain and one fruit. So in the third week, and pretty much from there on, I can eat three grains and 3 fruits per day.  My challenge has always been protein.  I may have to implement protein shakes at some point.  
I feel better. That was the point of this, and it is working.  I don't know what else will come.  I do know that I can face stress and feelings of deprivation with logic and I can live through it without  trying to numb myself with food.  I hope I can continue to fight for my own health using my mind instead of mindless eating.  I know I'm human and don't expect perfection of myself but at least I'm more aware.  No one ever said this journey is easy, but the lessons learned are priceless.

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