Saturday, October 11, 2014

I'm Guess I'm Doing this

In my last post I mentioned that I have been thinking of going back to my roots and trying the South Beach Diet again.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster since considering it.  I am at polar opposite ends of the spectrum, on one end is the fear of failure in the face of removing my favorite comfort foods, especially when I am still really sucky at controlling my stress.  On the other end, I am ready to not feel this way.  
I had to decide before grocery shopping this morning.  And I finally decided that the desire to not feel this way is stronger than my fear.  I fought myself over it for so many reasons, not feeling strong/ready enough, Halloween with all its temptations is just around the corner, I even chewed over the fact that it is against the method Geneen Roth teaches, a method I didn't really give a fair shot, but one that I think could help me.  I think it comes down to the quote that says something about whether you are looking for a way to make it work or an excuse for it not to work, you will find what you are looking for.  
There have been a million reasons why I need to take another shot at this.  Every time I take a bath, I am disturbed by how much of my stomach sticks out of the water, even when it's filled to the fill line.  My knees and hips are screaming for me to show them some mercy.  I can't find anything that remotely resembles "flattering" clothes.  My brain is fogged and reeling.  I breathe heavy going up stairs or even talking.  I have a near-constant feeling of bloat in my gut.  My skin is dry and dull.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I feel really un-feminin, unattractive in general and it makes me feel like hiding more and more.  
I could go on.  Anyone who's been overweight knows these and millions more.  
So I am going to detox from the garbage carbs and see where it leads.  I usually do well on the ketogenic phase after the first two days.  I didn't give myself a very long time to prepare for this mentally, but at least I had more time for this than the unexpected gym membership I signed today.  My husband wanted to join a gym that has an affiliation with the health clinic I work for and they told him he would get about half price membership of I came along when he signed up.  When we got there today they told us we can only use the discount if I joined too.  My husband would have paid more for himself without the discount than we are paying for both of us to join with my discount.  Now that my kids are old enough to stay home alone for a few hours, we can work out together in the evenings, once their homework is done.  So that was a surprise that might work out nicely with my other impromptu decision to give South Beach another try.  
So I'm hopeful that the next few weeks will be a turn around that I've been needing for so long.  What's different this time is that I'm not focusing on the idea that I can look like a fitness model if really push myself.  This time, I am feeling the urgency of fixing my health, my heart, my joints, muscles, my gut and my mind.  I hate feeling this old and broken.  
So this weekend I am eating some last treats, pumpkin pie, pizza, Starbucks Frappiccinos, to reward myself ahead of time for the hard work I am about to put in.  And to comfort me from negative thoughts about how tough it's going to be.  But in the end I know the truly tough part is the first couple days.  It will be nice to free myself from the ball-and-chain addiction to sugar.  That I don't already have diabetes is a miracle, but I know I won't always be so lucky.  I have to do this.  And there's no better time.  I've got more knowledge and experience than the last time I tried this, I have meditation and deep focus in my toolbox, and I have lots of people that believe in me.  I want my next blood panel to come back sparkling.  
So Monday I will step out of my comfort zone and give this thing a go.  I can't succeed if I never try.  

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