Meditation and Day 2
I have been pretty consistent with meditating and like everything in life, some days are easier to settle my mind and get inside than others. I don't pretend to spend long periods of time doing it, usually 10 minutes or less, then my mind starts wandering.
My husband is a huge fan of chanting or resonating (Om), but I've always felt like it distracts me from getting past my external universe and going inside.
Tonight was a rare night when there were a few quiet moments in my house, so I jumped on the opportunity. Usually when I begin meditating, I focus on a subject I want to get inside of to solve. Usually that is a question that pertains to my weight, and usually my question I am asking leads me to some dark places. I am a very visual thinker, so I find that I can rarely get anywhere with meditation if an image doesn't come to mind fairly quickly in the process. In a way, it is like the feeling of being in a dream, but knowing you are dreaming. Most of the images I see are like dreams too, or maybe déjà vu where I feel like the images are real memories from my past, but I'm not sure. They could just be a visual reputation of my emotions. In most of the food/"Mommy" ones, I see the same image many times I blog, myself as a little girl about 5 years old. I am sitting on the stairs in the house where I grew up, sad. It is in that imagined state that I can easily ask questions and usually get answers.
The last two days, when I've been on South Beach Diet, I don't feel bad or sad or hopeless about my weight, so my mind was blank when I tried to imagine that little girl. Last night I actually had some happy images about my dad. I used to think it was his alcoholism that made me feel so distant from him, but seeing those happy images of time he spent with me made me realize, my dad made me feel special. The sad part for me was that I felt like it didn't happen often enough for me, and here again I attributed his lack of attention to his alcoholism (which I am not dismissing) but the meditation helped me see through that belief. My dad was gone so much because he worked two jobs. He worked two jobs so my mom could be home with us. As a parent, I wish that was a possibility for me to be home with my kids. What a sacrifice he made for us.
Tonight my session started with an image of me being trapped in a sewer, lake water all around me, and a homeless person looked down on me, stuck in this place, and asked for food. In the smallest, saddest meek voice I said, "I don't have enough." This is a theme that keeps repeating since I've learned that the feeling of 'not enough' is hugely tied to my food issues. I grew up in a financially-struggling household and the concept of not enough was something that made me feel shame so many times. I'd be eating dinner and while heading to the kitchen I'd announce cheerfully how good it was and that I was going to have more. Many times there wasn't any left, and I felt ashamed that I'd wanted too much. I am not a very generous person today because of it. Especially not with food. Some of my coworkers bring a snack in and every time they will offer some to the whole office. Not me, my snack is my snack. Even if it is family sized.
I digress. So as I was stuck in my watery trap, someone came from a different place and found a way out (like coming out of a cave). (It was about this time that I decided to try Om). When I came out of the cave the most amazing thing happened. The sun was so bright it was blinding, but it had this strange connection to me through the resonance my voice was making. (Did you know that when we repeat the Om sound with resonance, we are actually copying the sound the energy from the sun makes?). In that moment, I felt like I was a part of the divine wholeness of the earth. That I am powerful, and am as much a part of the universe as it is a part of me. It was so much bigger than dealing with questions about why I eat when I'm not hungry. Not that that's not important, but in the scope of the universe, it's a little less sinificant.
On the diet front, things went pretty smooth today. I am finding that I didn't plan my groceries too well, and that left me eating some lentils that I burnt/underwatered but I was too hungry not to eat them. Ick! But I gave it a try. My customer flow at work uncomfortably delayed some of my snacks today, and my stomach let me know! I did have a craving today, for dry roasted peanuts and I had a couple servings throughout the day, but they have a little sugar so I am not going to make them an everyday treat. They are too hard to stop eating once I start. But they helped keep me fuller than I was yesterday.
Tonight as I walked up the 26 stairs to leave work, it felt less cumbersome. It may be mental tricks or loss of some water weight, but I noticed it and it made me happy. I also felt like I could think more clearly. It will be interesting to see if the clarity continues.
Whew! Another long post! It's a lot of day to get down in words, and I've never been good at word economy.
Day two was pretty good! I'll stop typing now. ;)