It has been a bit since I have blogged. I'm still in the game but having to force myself to focus. I've been here so many times, having to fight against the urge to just be lazy and stop playing the mind games with myself, and it hasn't ended well for me in the past. But I'm not going to give up this time, I'm going to think myself through the roadblocks that are threatening to derail me.
Friday was a less-than-stellar eating day for sure. My husband called in sick which he never does unless he's on his deathbed, and since he sleeps in the living room, I didn't want to wake him by making myself breakfast so I grabbed a low-carb protein bar from the gas station, then realizing I also didn't pack a lunch, grabbed another in case I had to eat it for lunch. Low-carb protein bars usually have a ton of sugar alcohols which can cause gastrointestinal distress, so I try to limit them and only eat them in rare occasions. It was so busy at work and a few people were on vacation and a few more called in sick, it ended up meaning I didn't get a lunch break and was forced to eat another dry, unappealing bar in between customers. By the time I'd left work at 5pm, all I'd eaten all day was two protein bars and a bunch of Diet Coke. I felt like I had a brick in my stomach. That evening my younger son wanted to go to eat and a hot meal sounded so good so he and I made a date of it. We went to Olive Garden and ate like kings! The salad is so killer with that tangy dressing and cold crunchy lettuce. I ate cheese ravioli, breadsticks and for dessert we shared a plate of piping hot zeppolis with warm raspberry sauce. The service was so outstanding and the food and atmosphere so inviting, it felt like food-experience-heaven. That's a dangerous feeling when everything lines up perfectly around food, we chase these perfect moments and rarely catch them. After dinner, we went for a walk and watched the sunset on the river. It was a great night with my son. I didn't feel guilty for eating all those carbs, I felt quite fantastically full, physically and emotionally.
Saturday we made a mid-afternoon decision to find a beach about 40 minutes drive away. It was hot at home but felt cool and comfortable at the beach. It is actually on Lake Michigan which was choppy with some decent sized waves and my sons don't know how to swim yet (sensory and coordination issues due to autism) so I was on high alert since the water was too cold for my husband and I to swim. At one point, after being in the cold water for over 2 hours, my younger son Zach was not prepared for a wave and it covered him and knocked him down. I was expecting him to come right out of the lake but he didn't so I figured he was Okay. On our way home though, he was complaining that it was hard to breathe right, and when he tried to take a deep breath it felt like his throat wouldn't let him. I'd recently read about secondary drowning and knew that these were symptoms so I brought him to the ER. Luckily his lungs were clear and he was ok, but as soon as we got home I ordered pizza. There were several factors involved with that decision. Of course stress was one. It was really difficult to watch my son feeling like he couldn't breathe right and to think of losing him. Second was that I had only eaten a handful of honey roasted peanuts in the 6 hours we'd been out of the house. And third, I was pouting and disappointed that we didn't go out to dinner afterwards, which we always do. The pizza didn't really even taste that great.
Today we went off on another adventure outdoors, which meant I had a couple meals of nuts again, which is not ideal, but it's tricky when you're road tripping. We were trying to catch two lighthouse tours on opposite sides of the peninsula, and ended up missing both of them. But we had fun anyway, going to our favorite spots and discovering some new ones too. We had our feet in the water a few times which was really refreshing on a hot day. On our way home, we were trying to decide where to eat, and I kind of wanted to eat on the peninsula to cap off our day, but we ended up heading home because it was getting late. I was disappointed that we were potentially going to skip another meal out, it was 6:30 pm and I'd only had one real meal all day, and the thought of eating healthy stuff at home sounded boring and unfulfilling to me, especially after being disappointed in not getting to see the lighthouses. We did eventually end up eating at Qdoba and everyone was full and happy and ready to get home. Again, for a vegetarian, the food wasn't the best thing I've ever eaten, but it was hot and spicy and not low-carb and I didn't have to cook it. I'm noticing a huge problem with the family outings always equating to eating out, it is so embedded into our weekend activities that I get disappointed if we don't include it, like part of the experience is missing. It's a bad habit and hopefully we can make some changes. I at least have the option to eat healthier when we do eat out, but I've been really lax.
Tomorrow I am cutting back on carbs as a bit of a reset. I want to experiment with how less carbs makes me feel vs what I'm doing now. I have been letting things slide way too much lately, handful of tortilla chips here, bagel there, restaurants and such. Tonight as we were ordering our food I heard two younger guys in line behind us talking and for a minute I thought one of them sounded like Elliot and I wanted to sink into the floorboards. Not because I was there with my family, but because I felt really dumpy and unattractive. I was in a hot car, on a windy beach, and wearing clothes that made me feel unfeminine and fat. Fat Ugly Brain was in full effect! Luckily it wasn't Elliot, but I paid attention to that feeling, I think it's going to be a key to reassessment and regrouping. Not because I want to impress him but because I didn't feel beautiful through one part of me, and that's a sign that what I'm doing isn't making me happy.
It's a start. I'm not saying I have the whole thing figured out, but sometimes you go down the wrong road and have to turn around to find the right way. I think I'm turning around before I lose sight of the road I was on. No shame in my game, I just let the balance away a little too far from the middle. I'm still learning which means I'm still trying.