Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Long Time Coming

This was one of those all-too-familiar mornings where I woke up feeling like I wanted nothing more than to climb back into bed and skip my workout.  But since I was the one who made the decision to stay up late last night, I didn't let myself off the hook.  Once I got a little caffeine in my system and strapped on my shoes, I was good to go.  I have been doing really well of keeping up with my goal of drinking at least a gallon of water a day, and find that I usually exceed it without even trying, so I should be good and hydrated for my run tomorrow night.
The scale dipped down to 152 yesterday, and has settled in at 153 today, which has me happy, since I had been stuck at 155 for quite some time.  Once my weight holds at 152 (a 40 pound loss) I will post some more progress pictures.
Last week I had some blood work done, and was really happy to find that all my numbers are looking good, even after taking myself off the cholesterol medicine about a month and a half ago.  That is a huge victory, especially since the FDA just sent out a recall warning that the drug I was on causes muscle wasting at higher doses.  My goal has always been to get off all medications, and since I have lost all this weight, I am certain I can.  The only one I still take is for blood pressure, and whenever I take it, my numbers are at the low end of normal, bordering on too low, so it is only a matter of time.
The past couple days, I have been really aware of my body, and how much I have lost.  I am in the rare and wonderful window of being able to see exactly where I have come from and also where I am going.  Every week I see more muscle development and less ugly stuff, I can see parts of myself starting to look "normal", which is something I have never been able to call myself.  In my lifetime I went from being a very skinny, underweight kid (my mother's nickname for me was "baggers" because everything was so baggy on me) to fat by the age of eight.  I never felt normal, and I desperately wanted to be like everyone else.  I didn't want to be the one who started dieting at the age of thirteen, and never stopped thinking about it and trying to lose weight or worse, letting my size totally dictate how much joy I was getting out of life.  I have been ultra sensitive and aware of how my body made me different from everyone else, and how no one who was "normal" could understand what I was going through.  I was sure that people were looking in my shopping cart at the grocery store and looking at me and thinking, just stop eating junk, just workout.  I remember many times, becoming vaulnerable to my husband and crying on his shoulder that I couldn't let go of the things that comforted me, I didn't have the willpower, certain that I would always fail, always be a disappointment to both of us.  So to say that I am starting to see signs of normalcy is more than just a passing statement, it has so much pride and joy attached; it has been a long time coming.  When I began this journey, and many times along the way, I have focused on how good I would look once I reached my goal, but the side effect of losing weight the right way, the pride and all the "Yes! " moments, are the real reward.  And nowadays, I invite anyone to go ahead and look in my shopping cart,and I don't even care if people are passing judgements about me, because I am on my way to the top!

2 comments:

  1. Don't get hung up on trying to look or be 'normal'. There are accepted levels of behaviour in all societies that most people adhere to. Everyone feels different to other people and we all do our best to fit in. By all means strive to remain healthy but don't over-extend yourself.

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  2. I never wanted you, to BE "normal"...JUST YOU! 0;) <3

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