Monday, June 6, 2011

Rewiring

Ugh!  This weekend took it out of me a little bit!  The road trip was fun, but between that and our Sunday obligations/errands we didn't really spend much time relaxing, and I was going and doing all weekend up until my bedtime last night.  My kids are in the middle of another nasty cold (summer colds are the worst) and my older son had another hyperactive episode last night at bedtime, raising the tension of the household and my blood pressure.  I sure hope they diagnose him at his Dr. appointment this week. 
That being said, I was successful in getting my workouts in all weekend, and stayed active all weekend.  Which is good, considering I had two off-plan meals this weekend, at the horrible "mexican" restaurant on the peninsula, and then two slices of pizza at the birthday party last night.  I wasn't going to eat the pizza, but the host ordered a special pizza just for my family, so I felt obligated.  It sat like a brick in my stomach and made me want to drown myself in fluids.  I had to skip a meal afterword due to discomfort.  The heat and the fat content did not mix well.  I don't need to eat like that for a while now.  Yuck.
This morning I woke about a half hour before my alarm was set to go off, and as I was considering what type of exercise to do, and whether or not I would reset it for a later time, I fell back asleep, and it went off at the regularily scheduled 4:50am.  I forced myself to sit up in bed while I decided whether I was going to get up or go back to bed.  I was certain I didn't have a strength workout in me, but I decided to do some cardio this morning and then try to squeeze in a weight workout tonight after work.  The kids only have 2 and a half days of school left, I am hoping they won't have homework this week.  Then I can set the new plan in motion to do cardio before work every day, and either another round of cardio or weights after work.  I'm getting to that point where I have to fight for every pound, every inch, and I am guessing I still have about 20-25 pounds to go until I am content with where I'm at. 
I have been struggling with body image a lot lately.  The results are coming slower than before, and when I look in the mirror, my eye goes straight to the parts I don't like.  Yesterday I got a new dress, just a casual tank dress that is really cozy in the hot weather, but all day when I was wearing it, I was thinking, I should really be more covered up, my arms and stomach are too fat to be wearing a sleeveless, somewhat form-fitting dress.  When I looked in the mirror, it looked fine, I might even say it looked good.  But there was my mind trying to set me back again.  Some days I just still feel like I am 200+, and my mind can't wrap around the fact that I am any different than I had been for years.  I think I just need to rewire my thinking.  I can do this.  20 more pounds should be easy, I've already lost nearly twice that amount, and even more if you count the pounds I've lost before I started this particular attempt.  Maybe all I need to do is put on a piece of clothing that I used to wear.  Actually, this weekend was the first time I wore my swimsuit that I purchased for Thailand in Feb 2009.  I was too embarassed to wear it then, and it just hung around collecting dust since.  When I put it on this past Saturday, it hung off of me.  My husband took a photo of me in it, and I had to delete it, it looked so horrible.  I honestly could have used something about 4-5 sizes smaller. 
So my challenge for myself this week, is to get my mind back in the right place.  I have all the pieces of the puzzle in order, I just have to focus on what's ahead and what is possible instead of what I don't like at the moment.   I have to realize that I am in the process of changing, and that if I'm unhappy with how I look right now, it is only temporary.
Here's to the start of a new week.  It's going to be scorching hot here, hope everyone stays cool and has a great week!

2 comments:

  1. What if you looked at videos of yourself then and now? Sometimes it seems more "real" to see yourself walking and talking?

    Or, do you have posts from when you were just starting out? If you do, go back and read what you were saying at that time. I used to want to easily bend over and tie my shoes without my gut being in the way. Until I read stuff like that, I sort of forget how locked up in my own body I felt.

    When I remember how I felt then, compared to now, it makes me want to celebrate where I am right now. My body might not be perfect, but I love the things it can do, right now, just as it is.

    It's all relative!

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  2. Thanks Debbie, that's excellent advice! One of the things that usually lifts my spirits is putting on clothes that used to fit me, and revelling in the fact that they are too loose to wear anymore.

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