Monday, June 4, 2012

Today

I can't believe it has been nearly a week since I posted.  And it has been quite a week.  The previous week, my older son had developed quite a nasty cough, and on Tuesday, his school called to tell me there was a confirmed case of whooping cough in his classroom.  I immediately went into panic mode.  I knew it was something worse than just the standard head cold, because he has been coughing so violently, and that isn't characteristic of his "normal" colds.  So I took him to the doctor on Wednesday, who was very under-concerned in my opinion, and said that since there was no fever, and he hadn't been vomiting, he was reluctant to call it anything other than a virus, posibly bronchitis, though his lungs were clear.  Every night for more than a week I watch my son cough so violently that it made me nauseous, then on Thurday evening it reached a fever pitch to the point of his gasping for air as he was having a violent coughing fit and vomiting.  My legs gave out from under me as I watched him gasp for air that seemed to not be there.  The most horrible whooping sound comes from this act, trying to not suffocate or aspirate.  So the anti-bacterial drug that the doctor firmly stated we shouldn't start until Friday, we waited like good parents, and then started him on the medication.  He is so much better during the day, but still has some violent coughing fits at night.  It has been a week of very little and very broken sleep for my husband, our son and I.  Luckily, my younger son has slept through it all, and his immune system seems to be fighting admirably. 
When I was fairly certain he had whooping cough earlier in the week, and missed a day of work, my stress level sky-rocketed.  Having a sick child is a horrible feeling, especially when there is so little you can do to help.  My healthy habits once again took a nose-dive and my week ended up in the toilet.  On Saturday, I weighed myself, hoping the number there would shock me into fighting back.  I thought quietly to myself, I have been nearly twenty pounds lighter than this.  And worse yet, I am only 22 pounds lighter than I was when I began this journey.  There was a time when I was nearly 40 pounds lighter, I regained nearly half of what I lost.  It was really sad to think of it, but it didn't reinspire me like I'd hoped.  Then I took out some photos comparing a shirt I used to wear when I was at my starting point and over 200 pounds, and another shirt that I wear now, and a shirt in a size medium, which is where I'd be perfectly content being.  I kept reminding myself, this is not impossible, but it will take determination, and thinking through things a little more instead of reacting emotionally be shoving food in my mouth. 
This morning I walked 5K in a little less than an hour, I was walking so fast that it felt like I'd been doing lunges or squats, and when I got done, it actually felt like I had run, minus the knee pain, thank goodness! 
I'm starting this week with the mindset of only being concerned about today.  I'm not trying to break any good-girl/fitness freak records or think about things a year from now.  My challenges are today and I'm going to try to think smarter about those challenges, and not take on the world all at once.  Today I am stronger than yesterday and my desire to make this happen is greater than it was yesterday.  That's all I can ask of today.  I'll save tomorrow's challenges for tomorrow.  That is my new plan.
Happy Monday readers!

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