I have been in hiding for some time now. It hasn't been intentional, my family is just going through some health issues right now, a bout of Whooping Cough that still hasn't resolved, a head cold, alergies and this week I have the worst sinus infection I've suffered to date, complete with throbbing toothache sensation. I have not been in control of my diet, as most days the pain is so elevated that I have no appetite, and when I do finally have to eat, I eat what I want. Calorie-wise I am probably lower than most days when I eat healthy 6 times a day. I found apple cider vinegar mixed with water and raw honey truly does help relieve sinus pressure enough for an OTC drug to do it's job. I am seeing intermittent rays of light in this infection.
At any rate, I have been doing a lot of personal reflection the past two weeks, and some of it has been really helpful. Like the Peter Gabriel song, I'm digging in the dirt to find the places I got hurt. I keep thinking about running, and how it seems to have always been something I associated with being fit. Part of me is pouting about not running or the idea of not running anymore, and that childish part of me is saying, if I can't run, I will just quit everything altogether. I roll my eyes even as I type that! I need to get past the whole thing. So I have been reading through some of my old journals, and today I came across the one where I wrote my experiences about the man I would come to marry. It is quite powerful to relive those times, and it lifted my spirits, even though they were not particularily low. I don't believe in accidents, and I know that there was a reason I 'randomly' chose that particular journal out the dozen or so that I have. I have been neglecting my marriage. And after so many years of dreaming of being with someone who loved me so unconditionally, I have that, and have had that for ten years now. I guess I was so busy feeling ignored that I didn't realize that I have been taking him for granted. That was a bit of a wake-up call. Having healthy relationships is so important for self esteem and mood. My husband and I have been doing just fine, but it could be even better. I am going to put more energy into letting him know how important he is to me.
The new issue of Oxygen magazine is out, and I spent a long time pouring over it as usual, but it was especially touching this time because the publisher Robert "Tough Love" Kennedy recently passed away, and this issue not only had a lot of tribute material, but also a message from Tough Love Bob himself. Part of his message (in reference to success) is to not only have a goal, but to have a compelling reason why you want to acheive it. That woke me up a little. Lightbulb moment, I didn't lose my way, I lost my WHY. It's something I have been putting a lot of thought into, it's definitely the cause of my quasi-effort, and at the moment, it's my biggest thorn in my side. So that is where I am mentally, and I need to spend some more time in my mind, digging a little deeper to come up with my WHY. Just not wanting to be fat isn't a compelling reason. Not wanting to die early isn't compelling enough. I don't know what it is, but I will find it. Monday I plan on getting back to my "normal" eating, I just have to figure out what to eat. Might try a new recipe this weekend, or scout out some veggie burger recipes to try. I have to find something I can eat that won't repulse me. I know I can get things back on track, I've spent so much time reading fitness magazines lately, that my mind is sharpening. And maybe, just maybe I don't have to rule out running if I put the time, effort and expense into having my knees checked out and having my form assessed and getting the proper equipment for how/where I run. Is it worth all that, and the risk of arthritis? These are some of the questions I need to answer for myself. I do know that sitting around waiting to feel better isn't helping me recover from my illness, and it isn't helping to set a good example for my kids. There's a lot more work to do, but as my main mantra and my back-up mantra affirm, I've got more in me, and I'm not done yet! This isn't a do-over, I am just moving on from a time of rest and reflection. I begin next week with hope for longevity and logic.
To my loyal blog readers, thanks for coming around, you really do make a difference to me!