Thursday, June 14, 2012

What are you Gonna Do?

I have been in hiding for some time now.  It hasn't been intentional, my family is just going through some health issues right now, a bout of Whooping Cough that still hasn't resolved, a head cold, alergies and this week I have the worst sinus infection I've suffered to date, complete with throbbing toothache sensation.  I have not been in control of my diet, as most days the pain is so elevated that I have no appetite, and when I do finally have to eat, I eat what I want.  Calorie-wise I am probably lower than most days when I eat healthy 6 times a day.  I found apple cider vinegar mixed with water and raw honey truly does help relieve sinus pressure enough for an OTC drug to do it's job.  I am seeing intermittent rays of light in this infection.
At any rate, I have been doing a lot of personal reflection the past two weeks, and some of it has been really helpful.  Like the Peter Gabriel song, I'm digging in the dirt to find the places I got hurt.  I keep thinking about running, and how it seems to have always been something I associated with being fit.  Part of me is pouting about not running or the idea of not running anymore, and that childish part of me is saying, if I can't run, I will just quit everything altogether.  I roll my eyes even as I type that!  I need to get past the whole thing.  So I have been reading through some of my old journals, and today I came across the one where I wrote my experiences about the man I would come to marry.  It is quite powerful to relive those times, and it lifted my spirits, even though they were not particularily low.  I don't believe in accidents, and I know that there was a reason I 'randomly' chose that particular journal out the dozen or so that I have.  I have been neglecting my marriage.  And after so many years of dreaming of being with someone who loved me so unconditionally, I have that, and have had that for ten years now.  I guess I was so busy feeling ignored that I didn't realize that I have been taking him for granted.  That was a bit of a wake-up call.  Having healthy relationships is so important for self esteem and mood.  My husband and I have been doing just fine, but it could be even better.  I am going to put more energy into letting him know how important he is to me. 

Today I took a glance through an old inspiration book I made several years back.  Some of the photos and words I wrote still inpsire me, and some are hopelessly outdated.  Since the journal is black paper my kids took interest in it, treating it like they'd discovered treasure when they found it a few weeks ago.  I told them they were allowed to write on any of the pages that didn't have a photo or writing on them, and I forgot about that as I leafed through them today.  After all my "grown-up", serious things I'd written, I came to a page where my son wrote: Wat are you cona (gonna) do?  How simple a statement to sum up how I've been feeling lately.  What am I gonna do?  Let myself go back up to where I came from, gasping for air from doing something as simple as walking to the mailbox?  Shop in the size 3X again?  Let life have it's way with me and run me over as I sit idly by?  Or maybe, wait for a heart attack so I can finally see what it is I'm doing to myself and my family. Honestly, I don't have all the answers, but I know I don't want to go back to where I started from.  I don't know if I have the strength to lose it all over again.  It is hard enough to keep the focus to try and lose half of that amount, much less think of gaining it all back and trying to start over.  I don't want to back-pedal anymore. 
The new issue of Oxygen magazine is out, and I spent a long time pouring over it as usual, but it was especially touching this time because the publisher Robert "Tough Love" Kennedy recently passed away, and this issue not only had a lot of tribute material, but also a message from Tough Love Bob himself.  Part of his message (in reference to success) is to not only have a goal, but to have a compelling reason why you want to acheive it.  That woke me up a little. Lightbulb moment,  I didn't lose my way, I lost my WHY.  It's something I have been putting a lot of thought into, it's definitely the cause of my quasi-effort, and at the moment, it's my biggest thorn in my side.  So that is where I am mentally, and I need to spend some more time in my mind, digging a little deeper to come up with my WHY.  Just not wanting to be fat isn't a compelling reason.  Not wanting to die early isn't compelling enough.  I don't know what it is, but I will find it.  Monday I plan on getting back to my "normal" eating, I just have to figure out what to eat.  Might try a new recipe this weekend, or scout out some veggie burger recipes to try.  I have to find something I can eat that won't repulse me.  I know I can get things back on track, I've spent so much time reading fitness magazines lately, that my mind is sharpening.  And maybe, just maybe I don't have to rule out running if I put the time, effort and expense into having my knees checked out and having my form assessed and getting the proper equipment for how/where I run.  Is it worth all that, and the risk of arthritis?  These are some of the questions I need to answer for myself.  I do know that sitting around waiting to feel better isn't helping me recover from my illness, and it isn't helping to set a good example for my kids.  There's a lot more work to do, but as my main mantra and my back-up mantra affirm, I've got more in me, and I'm not done yet!  This isn't a do-over, I am just moving on from a time of rest and reflection.  I begin next week with hope for longevity and logic.
To my loyal blog readers, thanks for coming around, you really do make a difference to me!

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