Saturday, November 29, 2014

A little catch up

My kids have had a five day weekend, and it has been so noisy at my house that it is difficult to concentrate or keep my focus for meditation.  But I still try, almost every night, because it does help me with my emotional eating work and my overall mood and tolerance of everyday irritations.  
Thursday was a low day for me.  I was not in the mood to go anywhere, I just wanted to lounge at home in my goucho pants and t-shirt, my usual comfy gear, especially since the Thanksgiving meal was at my mother-in-law's and my husband ended up getting forced to work,which meant he arrived 2 hours after my kids and I did.  I get along pretty well with my in-laws, but my husband and I have always had a sort of unwritten rule that we go to family functions together.  With our sons' autism, we end up being the weird family that ends up hiding in the basement while everyone else is upstairs, NOISY.  But before we ever went to the dinner, I had to get dressed.  And that is where the blow to my self esteem came in.  Shirt after shirt went on, and came off with a "yech" as I focused on how short the shirt was, how tight, how unflattering.  I desperately wanted to wear a skirt, which is so much more feminine and flattering, but it is full-fledged winter here, complete with snow, ice and freezing temperatures, so it's going to be a good 6 months until I can handle wearing skirts.  So back to unflattering jeans and a strange-fitting shirt that was at least a festive orange color. As I looked it over in the mirror, I allowed the low self-image to travel upward to my face, how did I get so many wrinkles so fast?  And is my hair really that gray?  I was aware of these judgments as I was making them, and I could visually point to why I was acting that way, as if I were passing judgment on someone I didn't know or care about, and it made me feel really low.  Despite all that, Thankgiving was OK.  My mother-in-law is a great cook and was thoughtful in preparing more than one vegetable dish for us vegetarian weirdos. My kids had a blast playing with their step-cousins and the spirit was happy.  After taking it all in, I felt lame for being concerned with how I look.  When these people pass from our lives, the last thing on earth that is going to matter to anyone is what I looked like.  
Friday was better for me, despite the roads being stupidly icy, which raised my anxiety, I found a shirt that I'd gotten late on the summer that actually flatters me which does wonders for the self-esteem and mood.  I wasn't able to get anywhere in meditation last night, but I still tried on more than one occasion.  
Today was a fun day with my kids and husband, we went to dinner with my father-in-law and played games together. Tonight I was able to see two more images of "guides" if you will.  One is a very large black man, who is very emotional/in tune with the emotional input from my journey.  The other one is not altogether clear, because it is partially hidden/hiding behind the black guy.  I can't tell if it is male or female, child/teen or petite, compact female.  This person represents confidence and energy which makes it very interesting that they ( I keep wanting to call it she so it must be a female entity) is hidden.  Maybe not hidden but overshadowed, like it is so crowded that she can't be seen in the image. I haven't had a chance to ask them any more questions, because of the noisy chaos in my house, but I will work with them more as noise levels allow.  

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