Chocolate is Disgusting?

This week, the week after the weekend where everything was allowed, the week where Ma Monthly came for her lovely visit, and stress levels were on a rollercoaster...well, from the outside it may have seemed like some sort of mess where my attention to health is concerned, but you know, I sure learned a lot this week.  To be fair, I will grant you all day that I have a pretty thick skull, it takes multiple times for something I've learned to sink in.  I am that person who has to re-read things a few times because the first couple times I was busy thinking of other stuff.  My brain tries to do too much at once, always.  But I digress.  Again. 
What I learned in this week of eating whatever, whenever, however:
  • I don't like chocolate very much.  I love the idea of it but it's really really kind of disgusting.  The gooey, thick mucousy coating of funk-breath it leaves behind makes me feel unclean somehow, and definitely sends a thick feeling to my brain.  This is news to me, I have eaten pounds upon pounds of chocolate in my life but never paid attention to how it made me feel.
  • Gummy bears smell much better than they taste, and smell multitudes better than the sensation they give that you have swallowed a cannonball.  Ugh. 
  • I sleep aweful when I eat aweful, then I feel aweful the next day and I don't treat people as well as they deserve to be treated.
  • Eating crazy makes me obsess over food.  Bigtime.  I don't necessarily crave the food but the sensation that I expect the food to give me, some sort of imaginiary food-bliss.  Honestly, how often in life does that happen?  About the only thing I can say consistently gives me that feeling is sushi, and the rare perfectly-ripened organic strawberries.  Junk food, no matter how much I want it to, never gives me food-bliss.  I want it to, so I keep seeking, but I have to face the truth.  So, if junk food doesn't do what I want it to, and in fact, usually makes me feel not great, then what's the point of putting extra garbage in my body?  Seriously, it defies logic.
  •  As much as I think about popcorn, especially when I smell it, eating it is really not very enjoyable.  Last night I had some bagged popcorn, kettle style so salty and sweet, perfect combo for Ma Monthly.  Several times I got hulls stuck at the back of my tongue, so far back I gagged trying to dislodge them.  Some got stuck in between my teeth, jabbing into my gums, or lodged somewhere needing to pick them out.  I like the idea of popcorn but the hulls are just not worth it.  I don't think it will be difficult for me to pass it up after last night.  I really had a moment of clarity while eating it and I said to myself, I am not enjoying this, why am I eating it?!  I had a cup of it and moved on with life.  Lesson learned.  Blech!
My body only lets me eat this way for a little while before it starts slapping me awake.  I don't feel light in spirit, I don't feel like I move with ease, I don't feel centered and balanced and whole.  I feel like I am struggling to get something out of food that it can't provide, ignoring the messages my body is sending and trying to drown it out with these seeking behaviors. 
I do believe that this is a positive learning experience.  The food I shoved in my poor body showed me love by teaching me that it can't do what I wish it could.  Now my job is to figure out what exactly I was trying to fix because on the surface I feel fine emotionally.  The toughest part about being sensible with food is committing to being aware and putting the mental work into it, digging past the shame and guilt and self-abuse to see what is lacking; what do I need.  Letting it take a back burner is like saying I don't care enough to devote energy to caring for my own body.  I know from past experience, that doesn't make me happy, but I haven't bothered to remind myself of that as often as I should.  I think I am at a point where I am sick of junk food again.  My body is screaming out for quality food.  Time to get back to a sane way of eating so I can feel better.  I don't mind a break from the madness sometimes, we all need it sometimes, but knowing when to get back to work is just as important, if not moreso.  This could be the cannonball in my stomach talking, but I think I'm ready.  I feel like I need a detox and I definitely could use and energy boost.  Here's to keeping the fire burning! 
Happy Friday! 


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