The water drinking is going much better! Maybe I just needed to tell myself there was no pressure. Maybe it was the building of a computer desk on my own over the weekend. Whatever the case, I have been drinking a lot more, but it's too soon to tell if it's having any major affect. I still have massive bags under my eyes.
I am happy to say that, today I am finally stepping out from the cloud that's been hanging over my head for the past few days or so. Last Friday at work ended badly and I left feeling like I would gladly give up some of my free time over the weekend searching what other jobs are out there. I have been overwhelmed and burnt out since the new year began, and usually I can vent with my boss and feel he appreciates me, but lately his tone has also been changing. I had a really good sales month but it came at the cost of my mental peace and to be made out to seem like it's nothing spectacular (compared to other years' sales) made me feel really aweful. My boss is spread thin and worn out too, we all are. My problem is that, lately, I haven't been able to leave the bad feelings about work behind, and it ends up compounding the already-over-booked, stressed out home stuff I've got going on. I also have been feeling like my relationship with my mom is still strained and I am going to have to process through the fact that I may never be able reach a place of calmness and connectiveness with her as I had thought. I thought geneology was our common ground but she recently told me she's lost interest. I worry that she knows she is sick and she is trying to push everyone away by being negative, judgemental and abrasive. This is my mother. She can be awesome and easy to get a long with, talkative to a point that I want to find an excuse to leave the room, and mostly, unfortunately, very negative and judgemental. I learned how to placate her early in life, in order to avoid conflict because her tongue is sharp and she doesn't easily let go of a grudge. No wonder I'm a mess! A letter I received over the weekend only made me ruminate on how much I wished she could find a morsel of happiness, joy and let that fill her; or get therapy, which she sees as an unneccessary weakness for babies.
Then there's the dentist. What a nightmare this has been with them. One tiny little tooth in the back is causing so much trouble I want to scream! First the dentist opened it and cleaned it and confirmed it needs a root canal. She referred me to an endodontist because it's in a really crowded area. Next, yesterday she went back in. My assumption was that we were going to try the crown she made an impression of on my first visit, to see if there was enough tooth left to fit it. She did more digging, drilling, and poking around in the tooth and told me there is not enough tooth left for a good fit, so I have to go have crown lengthening done. This lovely procedure reshapes bone and tissue to make sure there is enough tooth exposed to fit the crown. Then a follow up with that specialist. Then back to try the crown. It will be 6 visits for one tooth. I still have more work that needs to be done on other teeth, 3 fillings and another, thanfully less complicated, root canal. The part that stresses me out the most is that I keep having to reschedule appointments because getting time off work is proving to be nearly impossible. It's frustrating me more than it should. I really just want to be done with this dental work, but now it seems as if it is going to drag on most of the year. UGH!
I am realizing that I kind of have a love-hate relationship with food. I mean it, I am so not inspired by food, even the kind I "shouldn't have". I really want something to come wake up my palate. Yesterday, after getting dental work done and getting to work late, I was in such an mental/physical slump that all I could think of was self-comfort. I ended up, at one point, doing a quick glance at "healthy recipes" to see if anything piqued my interest. There are a lot (and I mean a LOT) of chicken recipes and they all look pretty good. I don't like meat much, and I especially don't like it reheated so that whole thing is out of the question, but the bright colorful pictures with all the pretty vegetables and colorful dinnerwear was really refreshing. It made me feel better somehow, to see someone who put effort into pleasing the senses. So I am thinking of experimenting with different seasonings that I am not familiar with, getting new colorful dishes for home and for work, and just experimenting with new stuff. It'll help get me out the food funk I've been in for a few months now. I realize I cannot rely so heavily on dairy in the long run. Then, around 3:30 pm it dawned on me that I'd barely had any caffeine. It is not the optimal time to have some, but I allowed myself one can of Coke Zero vanilla. I felt so much better! I didn't intentionally have less caffeine but because my mouth was numb I just didn't drink much other than some room temperature water. I also had a headache before I drank it, which I attributed to the dentist (the anesthetic raises blood pressure slightly) that magically went away after drinking the soda. Lately I have been wondering if some of my energy issues aren't also coming from not taking in enough calories. I consistently miss my afternoon snack and lately I have been skipping my bedtime snack too, which is not smart because I feel like I don't sleep as well. I also have noticed that my hips and knees have been hurting a lot lately. Last night I decided to do a little bit of hip and glute strengthening exercises I learned for my physical therapy after the knee surgery. With just one rep I noticed an immediate and huge difference! I felt like everything was lining up and tracking better, and this morning when I got out of bed I had a huge amount less irritation (feels like something needs to pop or that it's out of place slightly) so I was really happy about that. I was having a hard time considering exercise of any kind knowing my hips were feeling that bad. Now that I've seen how dramatic of a result that gave me I am planning on doing it more frequently.
So maybe the thing I say with most certainty is that I have been letting my self-care and body awareness slide and I have been feeling the negative side effects of doing that. I have been out of touch with my body, worried about why I am so drained and 'shoulding' all over myself. Time to pay more attention and make some changes that will make me feel better. I think I am going to cut back on carbs again to see how big of an impact it makes on how I feel. It takes some mental prep but I think with the help of some new recipes I will be ready at the start of next week. Not a refire, not a new start, just an experiment. I really don't want to become diabetic, I'm not eating a crazy amount of sugar like I used to when I was on comfort-seeking, auto-pilot mode, but my blood sugars were on the high end of normal last year. No matter how much self-love I claim to have, if I make myself diabetic from poor choices I will forever beat myself up over that.
So that's where my mind is right now, thinking about launching into a lower-carb thing, doing more lower body strengthening and sitting back down with my 'mom issues' in my brain so I can conquer the past demons with today's reality of what our relationship is (so much NOT a telephone or greeting card commercial) and making sure I know who I am without (or despite) her negative opinions of me. Baby steps always. I have said it many times, I am a perpetual work-in-progress, such is life. Life gives us goals and we push to see what we're made of. I think I'm made of some pretty tough stuff, I just lose my faith sometimes. Time to give myself a hug and move on.