The Path

I am 4 sessions into my "Chasing the Present" videos and I am really liking them so far. I feel like something is opening in me. One of the videos I watched today mentioned that we have so much depression and anxiety in the world today because we put our focus on acheiving/sucess but it doesn't fulfill us on a spiritual level so there's this "emptiness energy" that we don't know what to do with. I felt that. That peace I keep seeking is this exact thing. I feel like something should be important to me enought that it reaches me on a deeper level than the long list of to-dos and the stressful things in between. Another concept was that we can't feel joy for others if we don't have it for ourselves, and a great idea/analogy is to fill your cup, then give from the overflow. Meaning, keep what is in the cup for yourself so that others can be affected by your positivity. Isn't that a beautiful sentiment? I don't do this in life, I am busy trying to do for others; trying to please and accomodate others so much so that I allow myself to let my cup go nearly empty on a nearly constant basis. These classes are a step toward finding more fulfillment in life. And it has nothing to do with losing ten pounds a month or looking good in a swimsuit. I am at least middle-aged when I consider how much life is behind and ahead, I want what's left to be meaningful and joyful. One of the concepts that struck me was when a speaker was asking 'what is it you desire?' And answers of fame, money, success, a big house, travel (etc) came up and the next question was "Why?" and the answer was "because I think it will make me happy". Weight loss is this way. We think it is the means to some end; some way to reach the pinnacle of happy. Anyone who has lost a good amount of weight can tell you, it doesn't fix your mind. You still have bills due, people are still jerks sometimes, people still die and timely enough, the virus won't be gone just because you got thin. At my lowest I got down to 152 pounds. I had worked hard to get from the 190's down to that number. Then I went to a class reunion and barely anyone talked to my friend and I (just like high school) and work was stressful and being a mom was stressful and it all surrounded me and trying to be strict with my eating just didn't feel doable at that time and I relapsed into autopilot eating and gained it all back. I keep yo-yoing back and forth, up and down the scales because I think I will be happy when I get to a certain weight/look. Conversely, I say horrible things to myself when I don't suceed in chasing that illusion. The truth is, none of it fulfills me on a deep level where joy is derived. And I think that is really what we are so desperately seeking; joy, peace, contentment. Geneen Roth asks, if you didn't have your weight to focus on, what would you obsess over? Whatever your answer is, is the thing you believe will make you happy. It may have the power to do that in reality, or it may be an illusion. The path to happiness will be different for everyone, but for me, it isn't dependent on the size of my dress.