So Many Thoughts

I didn’t blog yesterday but I did watch the video. Video 4 is with Koya Webb, a yoga and meditation instructor. I found myself not connecting with her both times I watched this video, as she seems to switch topics mid-sentence and likes to talk a lot about the struggles she had growing up in a way that makes me feel like she has not overcome those things. She spoke in clichés a lot about love healing all the dark things we’ve been through and how “the breath” brings us back to ourselves. The two things I took away from her interview I have already mentioned, one was the concept of filling your own cup then giving from the overflow; and the other being that when we have anxiety that is feedback for the places you aren’t getting love. I’m not sure I buy into the second one because one of my biggest anxiety triggers is driving in snow. I don’t see how that traces back to a place where I don’t feel loved, on the contrary I know I am loved and it would be a horrible burden to my family if I died. So that stems from a fear of death for sure; a fear of hurting others/burdening others. In noticing how much I didn’t really want to watch the video again (but did because I felt maybe I wasn’t giving it/her a fair shot) it made me dig a little deeper to figure out what was bothering me about it. She kept bringing the focus back to her and her story. I see this (and am guilty of it) a lot of Facebook when someone posts about something they are experiencing and especially if it is negative, we all pile our own story on top of that person’s post, often trying to one-up each other for who has it worst. We want to be the victim so we will get the nurturing we need but it’s not the proper forum. I am so guilty of this. I love to complain, especially when someone else is complaining and it’s all just a big me-fest, hijacking someone else’s post with my sob story. I have a cousin who owns a beautiful new-age store full of crystals and magical things and she posts lovely things on her store’s Facebook page. About a month ago she posted something about getting out in the sunshine because it’s healing and I was all drowning in apathy over my sun allergy and replied something about “unless you have sun allergy, which makes your immune system attack your skin with incessant itchy rash.” She reacted with a sad face. I regretted posting that as soon as I posted it and almost deleted it but forgot about it and it’s still floating around in the universe, all tacky like that. I feel like I’m saying, “Pay attention to me, I have a problem, my life is worse than yours, I win the boo-hoo wars.” And this is something that I felt again watching the video. No one likes a whiner and I am a 1st class whiner if there ever was one. So I have been reflecting on that a lot since I began this journey toward consciousness, and it connects with the ability to let some things go. Many many times I start typing a comment on Facebook and delete it, not because my thoughts aren’t valid, but maybe not everyone needs to know everything about me, especially if it’s a complaint. It’s OK to not share every thought that comes into my head. I have been refraining or reframing things and it feels very liberating. For instance, I have another cousin who has been very anti-mask, conspiracy theory-mixed-with-political-agenda and she recently announced that she has tested positive for COVID. In her post she took the opportunity to announce how upset she is that this is being “blown up by the media” because her case was mild enough that she didn’t have to be kept at the hospital or get breathing treatments. I wanted to say something about it so bad, I wanted to ask her to stay home and quarantine because she also mentioned needing to go to Walmart 2 days after she was diagnosed. I wanted to weigh-in on what I’m seeing from my own medical clinic. But I didn’t. Her post isn’t about my thoughts, it’s about hers. So I told her I am so happy her case is mild and that wished her a speedy recovery. It felt a little bittersweet because we all want to voice our opinions, but I also know that that wasn’t the time or place, and the world is not worse for wear because it didn’t hear how I feel about her opinions. It actually made me feel more calm afterword, it helped me let go of having to care that her opinion differs from mine. When someone opens themselves up to you they aren’t necessarily wanting you to inject your youness into the equation but to validate their thoughts and feelings. While I know that social media and the sharing of opinions has gotten so volatile lately, I am doing better at not engaging because having to try and change someone else’s mind is like hoisting a boulder up a mountain. Why exert that much energy into something that isn’t designed to work out? Which brings me to Video 5. The person being interviewed is author Graham Hancock. He has written about “out there’ things such as UFOs but also ancient civilizations and what we can learn from them, etc. His main points were that we are our consciousness, society works against us exploring and expanding our consciousness but we do we find the magic behind the mystery of life and being alive. I admit I didn’t get much out of this video as well because he spent a good time talking about government and how it impedes us from taking psychedelic drugs like ayahuasca which expands our consciousness. While I don’t deny that some might be able to have life-changing experiences using the drug, it’s not something that’s even on my radar. I think, if you need drugs to become “enlightened” then that is a manufactured story that may not be true to yourself. Just like when we meditate but we aren’t really “deep” the thoughts and images that come to mind can be contrived from our subconscious but when we are deeper, almost to a sleep level, very vivid images come, sometimes with no superficial meaning and they can be very powerful if you can draw meaning from them. It’s all metaphysical so very subjective. The message and lesson I take from today’s video is to make time and room to explore the realms of consciousness. I have been saying I need to make time for meditation and I don’t, though whenever I do meditate I always get something out of it, and sometimes it’s profound. On a much more superficial level, I can tell I am losing weight. I was thinking about this today as I had to hoist up my pants several times during the morning walk with the dog. The beauty of not weighing and measuring myself is that my reality is whatever I feel. I feel better, my clothes are not as snug and I can move with greater ease. I feel a nice buzz of energy after I eat (and I am eating on a much better schedule) and I can feel the food helping instead of just filling me or distracting me from things I don’t want to feel. What a fantastic feeling this is! I know this is not static and life with move me to and fro but this is a constant I expect to remain pretty steady for some time. I am not struggling with thoughts about what I can or can’t eat or what I’m missing out on, I am still approaching this with curiosity and interest. OK this post is long enough! Have a great weekend everyone!