Blissful Start

This morning I felt like I was walking through a dream.  A really pleasant one.  My car was covered in silver, shimmering goosebumps from an overnight rain, the slate-grey-blue sky partially punctuated by a magnificent salmon-orange-yellow sunrise;  a blanket of leaves painting the grass in impossibly brilliant mosaic.  And a mild breeze brought sweet leafy, almost cinnamon-scented air to my nose.  It brought back so many warm memories.  When I think of fall, I think of it in a very ideal array of all the things that are delightful to my senses, and today was the epitome of all of those things combined.  It was a very uplifting feeling, and a great way to start my day.
When I was getting the kids on the bus, I kept thinking, I wish I was able to go for a walk right now, in this light and this air, instead of having to do it when it's dark out.  Incidentally, I don't walk outside anymore, it's just too dark at 5am.  So, I have gone back to acting like a caged, pacing animal inside my apartment.  While it's not the most exciting thing to do, it works. 
 Yesterday was an interesting day, that gave me some things to analyze.  I started the morning off with a great leg and glutes workout, and it made me feel so amazing!  I had my usual breakfast plus a piece of fruit to help restore glycogen and aid in healing the muscles, and I was basically on-plan all day.  Then, some issues came up with finances and at first it was a negative situation, then it turned positive.  I also had a very restless feeling (it was a very slow day at work) and really had the driving feeling to go back to school.  It was driving me crazy to be sitting here in an office, doing nothing very productive, when I should be studying or improving myself in some form.  I did a little more research on what it is going to take to get back to school, and it just got me more excited.  I should have my transcripts this week, then I can start to plan my class load and decide when to go back.  While I was bored, I went and got some gummi bears from the "healthy snacks" machine at work.  I thought to myself, fat free does not equal healthy.  There were 88 grams of sugars in that bag.  I ate them all.  I felt on edge, like I wanted to launch, but had nowhere to go.  But in general, I was in a great mood and excited to move forward.
After work I needed to stop and get a few things from the store, and as I was walking down miscellaneous aisles, I grabbed microwave popcorn and a box of halloween Pop Tarts, and fully intended on eating them.  On the way home I thought to myself, man, that was a great workout this morning.  Too bad I'm about to completely negate it.  Is that what I want to do.  No.  But I really feel like I need to eat some crazy junk.  In hindsight, I should have gone home and done a little cardio, followed by a good meal.  I knew the sugars I'd consumed earlier had taken my mind and body hostage, and consuming more of it would only keep the chain reaction going.   But I didn't listen to reason.  And that is why I feel like a blob today, bloated and jiggly.  I need to tap into whatever I had going before my reunion, it wasn't strength or willpower, I just didn't care if there was garbage around me, I just went about my business of getting healthy.  I think it's going to take a lot of inner examination to discover where that part of me went. Sigh.
Well, every day is a new chance to be strong.  Even though the bloodwork is done, I still have a doctor appointment at the end of the month, to discuss the results and I will have my weight and blood pressure checked at the same time.  So, I am not out of the woods yet.  As messed up as it sounds, being forced back on medicine might be good for me, because it would make me mad enough to work toward getting off it.  Again.  Time will tell.  Then again, part of what made me strong before was knowing that I was changing my destiny, not waiting for the magic to happen but actually making it happen.  Maybe it's as simple as that.  I hate to look down and see a jiggly, flabby belly and huge flabby arms.  Those things can disappear if I make them disappear.
With the wonderful start to a picture-perfect fall morning, I am sending out the good vibes in hopes that you are getting an equally blissful piece of fall today.  Breathe it in today, it may be snowing in a few weeks!