I Dreamt of Roller Coasters

When I originally went to college more than a decade ago, I had recurring dreams of driving somewhere and getting lost, and everyone I asked for help was cold or didn't understand the words I was saying.  I would always have a very sinking, empty feeling, and was full of anxiety in the dream, and many times I was even crying.  After taking several psychology courses, I was able to analyze my own dream, it equated to me feel very directionless and confused about where my future was headed.  I did horrible in college, but did manage to get my Associates of psychology after more than 7 years of messing around. 
Last night I had a dream of being on a roller coaster inside a building.  It was something that was required of me for as part of my "coursework", and I was comfortable with it until we slowed to get ready for the descent to the platform to get off.  I had so much anxiety about the fall, though controlled, that I felt I would pass out.  Just before descent, my alarm went off.  It was one of those dreams that I was so deep into, that it took longer than usual to pull out of it to turn off my alarm.  As I began my cardio, I couldn't shake the dream, and I didn't have to go very deep to analyze it, because it was only echoing thoughts I have been having this whole weekend.  I am on a roller coaster with my health/weight and I am worrying that I am falling off the track.  For the first time since I began this journey, I feel like my yo-yoing is starting to have a negative effect on my total health.  My blood work came back good, yes, but after that blood test was out of the way, I began letting things go.  I ate catered food several times for lunch (because it was free, and it was delicious deli sandwiches from a bread company) and I ate sugars like they were crack, seeking it out every few hours to keep the sugar high going.  I am starting to eat in secret and hide the evidence.  And, when I was driving my kids around this weekend, my belly full of donuts and crappaccino (the powdered, gas station kind, gross) the realization of what I am doing hit me.  My jeans, the ones that have been loose since I bought them, felt a little restrictive.  A month ago when I wore them, I had the belt on the fourth notch, and now it was most comfortable on the second notch.  Yikes.  And sitting in my car, breathing a little heavier than I should be, with a sugar headache, but still clenching the bag with more sugar in it, I felt like I was losing control of the whole thing.  My stomach felt all bloated and fat, and still, when I got home I ate the box of candy I bought, I ate it until my stomach felt stretched and uncomfortable.  I ate so much junk that day, that it was hard to eat real food when it came time.  And at 5:30pm when we were out to dinner at McDonalds, my older son commented that all he'd had to eat so far was ice cream and candy, I was horrified at what I was doing not only to myself, but my kids.  It comes full circle, back to the most important reason I began this journey, to be a good example for my kids.  Lately, I have been anything but, and I am taking them with me. 
A huge proclaimation here will not hold me accountable, so I am not going to make one.  I think this week I will surround myself with the very things that have inspired me all along, the South Beach Diet book, Oxygen magazines, and my husband and kids.  I think it is much like my first attempt at college, without direction I am lost and empty.  I need to look at the junk food as what it is, complete garbage, and not as an indulgent treat that will make me happy.  So, I think a very effective strategy for me is to come clean with my husband, and tell him what I've been doing, fess up to the crap I've been eating, and stop the eating in secrecy thing, to help hold myself accountable.  If I wouldn't eat it in front of my hubby, it isn't productive to be putting in my mouth.  I think I will also begin my search of effective supplements to curb the hormone-based cravings.  I have heard Evening Primrose Oil is very effective, has anyone had success with it?  Part of my success in this has been, and will always be, not letting there be exscuses.  PMS can easily be an exscuse, and I have been using it as such for several months now.  This is why I am 159 again, and the jeans that used to be loose, are now fitting normally.  Time to fix this before it gets away on me.  Halloween is just 2 weeks away, I don't want to have all that candy in front of me and weak resolve.  It could be a total catastrophe!
Now that I have applied to go back to college, and have a plan for my future, my life will only continue to get more complicated, I need to have a solid foundation of health (and healthy mind) or I will end up having those recurring nightmares of being lost, or being on a roller coaster. Or worse, fall back into the familiar abyss of depression and self-loathing.  At least in dreams, changing negatives are as easy as waking up.
The journey continues.  Hopefully the roller coasters were just a temporary diversion.
Have a great start to your week!


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