Ah Friday, so we meet again! And man, has it been a week to end.
This week has been exceptionally busy for me with interviews, presentations, book reviews, boring work seminars, and a midterm exam. Wow, that all makes me seem way more important than I am. Add in a little self-reflection and the perpetually unpaid mommy duties, and I am letting out a really long, loud sigh at the sight of the weekened.
There is a black cloud hanging over me today, and it won't go away until I confess my food crime. Yesterday was the day that I had that boring work seminar. It forced me to have to work at the other store, which I am not particularily fond of, and always feel like I am under a microscope. That little inconvenient happening meant that I didn't have my proper supply of snacks with me. Now, I have been doing really well with staying on track this week, so I improvised and had some sunflower kernels for a couple snacks in a row. Not nutritionally ideal, but still on plan, and better than eating some junk. Since being on plan so nicely lately, my metabolism has been absolutely unstoppable, my stomach roaring every two hours, my body readily using everything I am giving it. By the time I left work for my late-afternoon-seminar, I was about as full of sunflower nuts as a gal could be. But, I felt satisfied. Amazing how such a tiny seed can pack the fat content it does. At the seminar, cookies and fruit were provided. I skipped both, knowing that eating even fruit carbs with no protein to slow their digestion down was nearly as bad for my cholesterol as eating the damn cookie. Way to go, prestigious health organization that I work for. I did have a Diet Coke and a Diet A&W Root Beer though, and they tasted great, and I found myself appreciative to have fluids, as I seem to be consuming copious amounts of them lately.
I felt great that I was able to stand my ground in the face of the sweets presented, but as I was on my way to pick up my kids, my stomach started to growl. My first thoughts are always logical. Need to get home so I can cook a decent meal. Then it progresses slowly, like a cat about to pounce. It would be kind of cool to just get something special to eat, even if it's on-plan. I picked up my kids, who were all giddy about having today off of school, and were already in "weekend mode", and gave in to their request to stop and get a treat. They took an exceptionally long time choosing their snacks, and by the time they were wrapping things up, I had had enough time to ogle the newest flavor of Chex Mix, Italian herb and Parmesan. And the internal tug-of-war was actually quite fierce, but I eventually gave into the hedonistic food-devil that dwells in me, telling me, "Eat them, it will make you feel soooo goood." And I was so hungry, I did some pretty good damage not only to my own snack, and also had some sweets beside. By the time I put the first "bad" thing in my mouth, I had already made the decision that I was letting it all go. And that is such a dangerous mentality. I could have had a serving and just stopped. Physically, I could have. But I let my mind interfere with reason, and we all know the chaos that ensues from thinking!
At any rate, this morning was an attempt to regain some sort of order. I got up at my normal, absurdly early time to do cardio and ate my normal breakfast. I am behaving today because I know we are ordering pizza tonight. My husband will be gone overnight for a photo shoot, this one for comp cards he can bring to the agencies, so it's worth it, but my kids like to order pizza and have a "movie night" when he's gone. So, I don't mind that my eating chaos will extend an extra day this weekend, but I don't plan on letting that be the rule. I have been doing really well the last two weeks, and it has been quite refreshing, making me feel strong, and reminding me that I can do this, if I have the presence of mind. I have been very aware everytime stress and outside factors have been triggering me to want to comfort eat, and there is such a fine line between the yes and the no. I think the best way to be successful is to celebrate the times I am able to say no, and just get over the times I said yes, and move on. To Hell with beating ourselves up everytime we indulge. As much as I don't want it to, food brings me joy, and I am going to endulge in joy sometimes, without regret. Sometimes just knowing I am allowed to do something takes away the impulsive thrill-seeking junkie affect for me, and actually works in my favor. Then again, once the stress starts to pile up...sigh.
Have a great weekend everyone! Hope you get some sunsine.