My Friday resolve? Let's just say that Friday was a trainwreck, with levels of stress I have not experience in a good long time, and it left me completely off-plan, shovelling junk food into my mouth, and crying at work from the amount of accumilating stress people kept dishing out to me. Not a good day. And the level of stress I reached, nearly the pinnacle of the mountain of sh*t, well, when I get to that point, reason no longer exists, and the only thing that can comfort me and bring me off the ledge is food. Isn't it sad that the last word in that sentence is something other than my family or my strong mind or something productive?
The immense amounts of apathy spilled all over my weekend, and it turned into a fat-fest, eating whatever I wanted all weekend. I ate out 4 times, ate chips and chocolate and ice cream with carmel sauce, you name it. And by last night, I could see how quickly my body had changed. Not just back to the shape I had two weeks ago, but it looked like my body from a year ago or more, when I was still on my way down, happy to move from the moo-moo sizes into an18-20. Last night as I looked in the mirror, my belly looked so round and bloated, my joints ached (from the sugar I'm guessing) and I felt like I couldn't breathe as well. But, my stress level was reduced, right?
The funny thing is, before I give in and eat junk, I have this ideal of how great it is going to be- the mouthfeel, the taste, the rush of dopamine, and the relief of stress. And, it does give a temporary numbness, even verging on sleepiness when I eat fast-digesting carbs these days. But, it rarely tastes as good as my ideal, my best memory of that food. McDonald's french fries are a perfect example. Think of them, so hot they burn your mouth, perfect balance of crispy and soft, just the right amount of salt...yeah, right! How often do they live up to that ideal? For me, not very often. But when I think of junk food I don't think of it when it was just OK, I think of that time when it was the best thing I ever put in my mouth. And when one junk food doesn't make me feel that way, I move onto another, in search of that perfect high that comes only when all the stars are aligned. Truth is, the more weight I carry, the more my sense of smell and taste suffer. So, even when I have those foods, I can't taste them as well. It's bittersweet. But the lesson I hope to learn from it is, junk food is never as fulfilling as you imagine it's going to be, and it's not worth it most of the time. Yet, I still turn to food as a cure-all when things get really bad. It didn't help that I didn't have my husband there on Friday to help as a sounding board, and the few minutes that I did see him, he was so stressed out and irritable himself, that it only amplified my stress.
So last night I ended up being the one elected to do the grocery shopping. It was late and I was super tired, and I detest when it is so crowded and busy that you can hardly get down the aisles without having to say "exscuse me" a million times, so less thoughful folks will move their carts aside allowing room to pass. But when I got inside I made a quick stop at the magazine section, and found a copy of my favorite fitness mag, Oxygen, which inspired me to get a new pair of leggings to wear for working out. My Oxygen subscription expired a few months ago, and I haven't read it since, and just having a new copy of it made me realize how essential it is to surround myself with things that are healthy for my mind, like the visual inspiration I get from that magazine and their fitness models, as well as physically, like the healthy food I bought to support my goals. It changed my mindset considerably as I swerved in and out of traffic down the busy grocery aisles.
I thought it would be hard to get back on the wagon after a weekend of such indulgences, but it really scared me how horrible I looked last night, I really don't want to go back to that place. It put a physical "face" on what has been going on inside me lately, and I need to fix this or I will end up worse than I was. So today is back to "normal". Not trying to force myself to attone for my food sins by going keto, not beating myself up or looking at it as something I want to do every weekend, but just get back on the "normal track". Because denying myself makes things really difficult, but it's also really difficult to eat crazy all the time. My normal eating, the sensible stuff, is actually the easiest for me, and it makes me feel the best. I'm not saying I'll never go keto again, it has it's place, but for now, it's just back on the straight-and-narrow. And, I will be scouring my Oxygen mag for a new strength workout to incorporate.
I have spring break from school this week, so things should be a little more mellow this week. *Huge sigh*. It might equate to a few extra workouts since the weather is going to be absolutely beautiful this week, which always helps my spirits.
My favorite part of the weekend? Yesterday my family took advantage of the great weather and spent a couple hours in one of our favorite parks. The kids were in heaven. And it felt pretty great to me too. My family is therapeutic, sometimes I just need a little help remembering that. And at one point, when my 8 year old told me, "Ghost poop is invisible but smells terrible...like parsnips." I laughed out loud, and it was such a great release.
So many lessons learned from one weekend. I'd chalk that up to a success at any rate!
Happy Monday readers. Hope it's a start to a great week for you!