Monday, March 5, 2012

Lonely Little Fat Girl

This weekend has been very telling for me, and I think it has led to me being back on track. 
I did good on Friday, though it was really tough, I kept it clean all the way through.  The roads were so slippery that I had 3 close-calls driving myself and the kids home.  And when we got home, I let out the biggest sigh, and thought about how eating some junk would help relieve some stress.  And I was simultaneously aware at how easily that thought cropped up, and that eating junk would only soothe me temporarily, but would make me feel sad later.  Usually I stop at the idea of eating junk, and start shoving things in before I can talk myself out of it.  So, that was a huge victory.
My husband's reaction to me not agreeing to a cheat meal that night, was not one I'd expected.  He was truly disappointed.  I explained that the roads were only part of the reason I didn't want to go out to dinner, that I was trying to exercise some self control so I can overcome my obstacles.  While he understood, he is the kind of person who can eat the way I would like to all weekend, and by Tuesday, he is leaner and has lost all the water weight.  My body doesn't work that way.  He pouted a bit, but I didn't cave.  He eventually got some snacks and beer from the store and had his own little treat that night while I put the kids to bed.  I understand that disappointment, he used to be the voice of reason when I wanted to go off the rails.
Saturday was a sharp contrast to Friday's discipline, partially planned.  The babysitter's son had a sleep-over that included my boys, so we had an entire afternoon and evening to ourselves.  We had a late lunch, some cheesecake, and a dinner out.  Only the lunch was truly worth it, in hindsight, but we had an OK time anyway.  We also saw the movie Wanderlust and laughed so hard/much my eyes hurt from wiping tears away.  Before we went out, I put a lot of effort into my appearance, and I felt good about myself.  My husband seemed not to notice, but some other guys did.  What a hollow feeling.  When we finally settled in for the evening, to watch some movies and have a few drinks, I was already starting to feel pretty invisible.  More computer time for my husband, I rarely get to see anything but the back of his head anymore, as I sat bored waiting to start the movie we'd rented.  Even what should have been an intimate, reconnecting evening together ended up leaving me feeling invisible to him.  It is a place we've been before, and it nearly destroyed us, and once again, it will be up to me to make him see what he's doing.  Maybe that's more personal than I should get on a weight loss blog, but the emotional element is so very important to me, especially when I am going through some really heavy stuff that doesn't involve him, and I feel like my life is changing in so many ways.   And yet, sometimes I still feel like the lonely little fat girl, drowning in apathy.
So the victory that came from my lonliness is this.  What is missing from my weight loss journey, is ME.  I have allowed myself to come last again.  My needs,wants, dreams come after everyone else in my family is satisfied.  It is evident in the littlest things like always eating my breakfast cold, because I am too busy making sure my kids are eating their breakfast that I don't get to eat my own until everyone else is "set".  And it is evident in the fact that I feel completely ignored in my marriage.  Everything I do revolves around what my family needs, and if there's time left, I'll sneak in something for me.  Going back to school has made me feel really guilty because that means 3 nights a week I get home late.  That means my husband has more responsibility for/with the kids and I get less time with them, and my husband has to alter his schedule to fit mine.  My self esteem issues that stem from childhood include the feeling of being an inconvenience, and feeling like I am in the way.  Those issues have yet to be resolved.  But I did realize that the reason I was so successful at the start of this journey, was only due in small part to all the time I had on my hands.  In huger portion, it was due to my strength to sort of stick a proverbial middle finger out to everyone and declare that it was MY TURN.  I was making myself a priority, putting myself first and letting the chips fall where they may.  I knew my family's needs would be met, but I was making my own a priority for the first time in years.  And on Sunday, when I was recalling the previous nights events, I decided that I have two options, to continue to be so emotionally wrapped up in my husband's actions (or lack of ) or to do my own thing, focus on me and build up strength so I can MAKE myself important, and feel strong enough to let him know what I need.  I learned a long time ago that people can't fix something if they don't know it's broken.  My husband isn't intentionally trying to hurt me, he's actually quite oblivious to the fact that anything is wrong.  He is simply doing what has always come natural to him, focusing on A#1.  And there is a lot to be learned from that.  I can't focus on fixing myself if the only way I'm involved is by way of hurtful emotions I put myself through.  Actions fix problems.  It's time to take action, make myself central to the solution, and start pushing toward the goal. 
Ran a mile yesterday at 4.5mph.  After drinking the night before, it felt like pure torture, but I did it.  And I know I've got even more in me.  And I know I'm worth every second of it. 
Not sure how it is posible to be simultaneously bloated and dehydrated, but that's how I feel today.  And despite being 100% on plan yesterday, my weight is back up to 163, but my clothes fit looser.  I don't know that I'll ever stop being confused about my body!
So it's Monday, but some nice weather is in store for the week.  Hope you are all getting a bit of spring weather yourselves!  Have a good week.

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