Last weekend, my husband had a photo shoot with a man whom I feel is going to catapult his career. The stuff he did for this shoot was fashion-based, as that is what the market is around here, department-store style. The photos came out fantastic, and had him wearing brands like Banana Republic and Polo. My husband has always dressed stylishly, but less preppy than the clothes he wore for the shoot. So when the photographer introduced him (in his own clothes) to some of his friends, they judged him fairly harshly on his style. Granted, his clothes are fitting somewhat loose due to hardcore dieting to lose muscle (sounds backwards, but to be a model, you can't be too muscular or it messes up your lines and makes you look short and stocky), but I never gave it a second thought. Now he is all concerned with keeping in style and I wonder, if this career takes off for him, how are others going to judge me?
My immediate reaction comes from the rebel in me. Middle finger extends to those who are shallow enough to care what brand I am wearing. I will wear a studded dog collar and ripped leggings and a Misfits shirt to counter your shallow existence. But I don't really listen to the Misfits, so I would feel like a jerk, and a Bouncing Souls T-shirt might be hard to come by. Anyway, I have been thinking about my style, or lack thereof, and it equal inspires and irritates me that I am letting some imaginary, future judgement effect me so. But part of my desperately wants to have a style. Right now, the things I find most flattering are jeans and casual shirts, but that doesn't represent who I am in the least. So I have been on a mission to find what I like, and let me tell you, it isn't easy. Back when I had no self-esteem, I used to see cool style all the time and wish I had the confidence to pull it off. Now I have the confidence, but I hate the styles that are popular in the states right now. I am like such an ecclectic mix of things, ranging from goth/punk/rockabilly-military, but then part of me likes a little glam. Part of my confusioin stems from never having too much expendable income, so as an obese person, I was always forced to settle for the best of the worst, and usually didn't like most of the clothes I wore. Still, it is something that has been ignited in me, and since I'm having a tough time finding what I like, I am thinking about taking a sewing class to brush up on my skills so I can make my own clothes. What better way to express who you really are?
My body continually confuses me, the shape is so bizarre right now. I have always been an apple shape, round all over, but as my body shrinks, the fat concentration is so evident on my hips and the front of my stomach. It is so strange, when I find a shirt that is flattering to my upper body, it highlights my weird hips. I can laugh about it, because I know my body's in transition, but it messes with my body image a lot, and makes picking out clothes a real chore! I need to experiment with some pin-up girl short-shorts perhaps. I think right now I need a stylist, my style ideas are quite schizophrenic!
I have been having a lot of triumphs with food lately, especially yesterday when I took the night off from classes to self-indulge in a haircut and a little window shopping. As soon as I made the decision not to go to class, my indulgent voice came whispering in my ear, it would be so quaint to settle into a comfy booth and eat a delicious meal while people-watching. While I started to think of what food/restaurant would be worth it, I kept shopping, trying to procrastinate food decisions. In the end, I realized that I had my raw almonds in the car with me, and that I could save myself a lot of calories, guilt, setback, time and money by eating almonds. They did the trick. While I didn't have much luck shopping, I did find a delicious sparkling ruby shade of nail polish and I realized that even the tiniest touches can make you feel wonderful. I went to bed really happy that I didn't give in to my indulgent self. Last weekend I ate out twice on Sunday, and both meals were really disappointing, one way over-salted, the other super greasy. I remembered those meals while thinking of where and if to eat, and it helped me make the right decision. I have had to remind myself that the rewards are not immediate in this quest, but they will inevitibly come. And when they do, they will taste way better than any kind of junk food I could put in my mouth.
There is something else driving me, it is trivial and silly and not worth mentioning, but it is working for now so I will continue to use it for motivation because it has been really effective recently. I am happy to be back on track and in a good mental state.
The weekend approaches, friends. Hope have some great things in store!