Friday, April 13, 2012

If the Shirt Fits

This week has been washed away by a nasty little cold that slapped me with the reality that I am not invincible.  It was a bit of a relief to find that last week's stuffy lungs were from the forthcoming cold and not from poor health, but I surely didn't do my health any favors this week as I tended to my sick body with whatever would make it feel better, paying no mind to nutrition and trading off early morning workouts for extra sleep.  I made it through the week, and feel slightly better today, I think I'll be able to eat without wincing in pain every time I swallow.  Progress!
Throughout the week, as my diet slowly went out the window, I started watching my gut growing in horror.  I have been very aware of obesity all around me.  It's everywhere!  One morning as I was bringing the kids to the bus stop, we saw a morbidly obese woman walking in the same direction.  She was about 50 yards from the curb where my kids wait for the bus.  We arrived and had about five minutes wait before the bus came, and I swear to you the lady was still making her way to the same spot when my kids boarded the bus.  Despite the frosty 30 degree temperature, she was wearing a T-shirt and breathing so heavy.  I could hardly stop looking at her, it was if my mind couldn't comprehend what I was looking at because of the size.  I felt really bad for looking at her and atmittedly being a bit horrified and sad for her, but I wondered how one lets it get to that point. 
Then I thought about my own eating habits.  Good for two weeks, bad for two weeks.  Repeat after repeat.  I don't like how I feel when I am abusing my own body, and I have analyzed my life to a hair, trying to figure out what I am trying to numb with food.  When I was 223 pounds, I wrote myself off as lazy and weak, and was certain it would just about take a force of nature to make me get healthy.  Then I proved to myself that that isn't true, I made my health a priority, I was damned if I was going to let anyone or anything stand in the way.  There were factors that led to my success, I was losing quickly in the beginning, because I was so heavy to begin with, and I had all the time in the world to do it.  But honestly, when it comes down to it, I have time to workout and I do most days, I have to work through the food issues.  And I will, because it's important to me. 
One fantastic thing is that I only have three weeks of class left, which will feel like a huge stress-relief.  Being home late three nights a week is really tough on my entire schedule, I don't have proper time to prepare things for the next day, much less take care of myself very well.  I hope next semester will be a little easier on my schedule. 
It was all over the news during the week, that there is a link between obese mothers and autism.  I immediately felt really guilty.  The article I read about it said that it isn't necessarily the cause of autism, but may be a factor, or at least, the two are correlated.  Then I used my psychological training to reason that some 60 million Americans over the age of 20 are obese, I'm sure that would make the correlation between ANY disease and obesity appear quite high.  But still, it makes me feel bad to think that a lifetime of poor choices might be the thing that "damaged" my kids.  I have to let out a sigh and let it go, because I can't dwell on things I cannot change in my life.  My kids are pure love to me, and I wouldn't change a thing about our journey.
As a side, I was wearing my baggy work shirt one day, when I caught one of my patients staring at my belly.  I think she was wondering if I was pregnant, and trying to decide whether or not to say something.  It prompted me to take a few pictures of myself in different clothing, so I can see it for myself.  Here are the results,  I look how I felt this week, pretty rough.


Aren't my new Armani glasses a rage?



Clearly I can see the difference now.  The middle one is the best.  I could stand something that is nicely fitted, but unfortunately for work shirts, it isn't available at this time, and these tops are expensive to purchase with the company logo stitched in.  I may find some value in having them tailored at some point.  I just found it an interesting experiment.  My body is shaped so strangely right now, I have a hard time finding stuff that fits right and flatters. 
Well, I am going to enjoy myself this weekend, maybe test out my new iPhone 4S to see if my Nike run sensor will ever activate so I can track my runs, and I plan on getting some extra rest and starting fresh on Monday.  Or maybe Sunday.  Perpetual work-in-progress.  I've come too far to give up.  I am stronger than my fat and food cravings.  I can do this.  I've seen this quote around the blogging world and I'd love to give credit but can never find the source, but I like it so much I will end with it: Face your stuff, don't stuff your face.  Words to live by!
Happy weekend everyone.  Hope you get some nice weather to take advantage of!

2 comments:

  1. If it's any consolation I think you look great and I doubt they were staring at you. You may have just thought that they were because you are self concious. I'm not just saying this, you look fine.

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    1. Thank you dear, I will take fine. You are too kind!

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