Friday, October 28, 2016

Friday's coming

Tonight I came to a conclusion I've been trying to push aside for a while now, I am burnt out. I feel like I think too much, do too much, rest/relax too little and never ask for help.  But I grew up in a household where my mom volunteered herself for things and then blew up about having to do it and not getting any help.  I hated her outbursts, it made me feel guilty, but never enough to make me help as much as she wanted or needed.  I so get it now and there are times when I want to just take out my frustration on my family but it's so counterproductive to act that way.  Plus all it does is make me feel guilty for being a jerk.  And I'm only partly burnt out about house stuff, the rest is about work, not having taken any real time off since spring and working enough to have more than 120 hours of paid time off just sitting there waiting to be used,  but I even feel guilty for taking time off because it makes things harder for everyone else.  One, or maybe more, of the books I've read has said that a large part of getting over dieting and weight stuff is to learn to say no.  No to stuff you are asked to do when you are doing it out of feeling obligated instead of genuine desire; no to volunteering for stuff you don't have time for.  But what if I didn't volunteer and no one asks?  I need to ask for help, or at very least, let it be known that all I've been taking on is wearing me out and making me feel unhappy.  I think I will take some time off in January after the buzz of the holidays has fizzled like flat soda.  Quiet, peaceful, resting down-time.  I may even schedule myself a spa day.  It sounds good just thinking about it.
I am really happy that I have not caved to "emotional cravings"despite feeling stressed lately.  Today I thought about the little eyeball themed chocolates I have set out for customers  in my office.  I thought about them when group after group of kids and parents came through my department on the annual trick-or-treating event my company hosts for kids with neurological disorders.  It was extra loud and I was already edgy because a coworker asked me to do a training tomorrow and doing it would really help them out but it's something that my boss doesn't like me doing because it takes me away from my job I'm paid to do.  I said yes(again, here's where learning to say no would be helpful) and immediately started complaining in my head about it.  Oh great, that's really how I want to start my Friday, teaching a dilated 9 year old how to use contact lenses!  I saw that chocolate there and I thought about how I can have whatever I want whenever I want, and that led to me remembering how I used to shove stuff in my mouth when I was stressed, like my arm was a machine lever just repeating the movement from the bag to my mouth in rapid succession so as to not have to think or feel; just to taste, and deceive myself into thinking that stuff was "helping" me cope with anything.  Besides, it is a really low quality, waxy chocolate,  I only got it because the eyeballs on the wrappers are quite fitting for my office.  So I got through it by being aware of what my thoughts were, what the truth was ( that it was a disgusting excuse for chocolate and it wouldn't make my mood change) and figured out what I really need, a break. Once I got past that I didn't think about the  chocolate anymore.  To be honest, even when I have moments like that now, the cravings are way less powerful than they were before I stopped eating sweets.  It's much easier for me to rationalize NOT eating sugars when I haven't had them for a while.  Anyone who's done a low-carb diet knows what I mean.
When I walked out of the building at work to go home, a fresh burst of air hit me and I thought about how I spend so much time and energy on hating winter that it ruins fall for me too, and fall used to be my favorite season.  So I decided that I am going to try to find positives in the fall and hopefully I'll be able to keep it up in winter to make the season more tolerable.  My positive thought today is, I love how fresh the air smells in fall.  And as a jumpstart for tomorrow's mood, I found a nice photo to share:




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