Sad but Winning

Things have been humming along nicely lately, and sometimes I worry about how easy this is this time.  I really don't understand why some attempts and making healthier choices are easy and other times I am fighting the process kicking and screaming.  I have been thinking about whether or not I'm working hard enough, especially when I look in the mirror and really don't see a difference.  I have to remind myself that it's only been 2 1/2 weeks of clean eating, and I haven't prioritized exercise.  I did not start this because I want to have a smokin' bod, I started again to attempt to make healthier choices most of the time, so I can enjoy good health well into old age.  So, I call it a good start toward my goal.  I was hoping to notice a huge difference in the way my joints feel, but I don't.  Perhaps that's because the weather has been very all over the place, 70 degrees one day, 50 the next.  I am also noticing the creeping grey cloud that usually appears over my mood this time of year as well.  It takes a lot to keep it at bay; supplementing for my low vitamin D levels helps a little.  I have resorted to using Diet Coke as a crutch again, to help give me a boost of energy.  It is something I eventually want to have only on occassion, as a special treat, and not every day.  Once I am solidly in the habit of eating better without thinking about it, I will try to cut back and eventually cut it out for the most part.  It's all a process. 
Yesterday was the birthday of my friend who passed earlier this year, and despite feeling sad, then sort of feeling like I'd gotten over it, my emotional response to her husband and friend's bithday wishes to her on Facebook made me realize how I have not processed it at all.  There are days when I am driving and I see a girl in a car that looks just like her and I have to remind myself that it isn't.  I did not mourn the loss of my friend.  I am noticing more and more, that I avoid those situations that make me emotionally vulnerable.  It's like I'm restraining myself.  For what?  Out of shame?  I need to figure out why I do that.  I know my mom shamed my sister and I when we were crying unless there was a gashing wound.  Her family way was tough love and she tried to raise us the same, but all it did was hurt my feelings and make me hide or numb my feelings, not make me tougher.   No matter, I need to process my feelings about her.  I need to heal.  She would be absolutely pi$$ed off at me if she knew I was sad and suffering over her.  And I know part of what hit me so hard about it is that she was only a couple years older than me, and cancer struck so hard and the chemo was even harder on her.  Thinking about her and her family makes my heart hurt and then I feel awfully selfish and petty for throwing a mental fit inside my head about how all my clothes look awful on my hideous body.  Rolling my eyes at myself.  If anything, it is a poignant reminder of what is truly important in life, and what is pure self-created fluff!
Despite the sadness, and the frustration at my dog's refusal to fill a poop-bag unless it's on my freshly carpeted stairs (in a rental, no less), I have been able to keep my wits about me.  I still have not eaten any sweets, though there have been plenty of opportunities.  I have had great success with adding one grain and one fruit back in this week, I have had bagles and apples and am happy to report that neither is causing sugar cravings.  I still haven't gotten around to finding new recipes, and it's tough because I really do want to, but my days and nights have been so packed with the kids homework, going for walks on occassion, taking the dog out for his nightly poop-spot-picking-marathon (sometimes twice) and actually maybe getting in a little conversation or an episode of The Office with my husband before I completely zonk out.  Last night I spent so much time with the dog that my feet were nearly numb from the cold and wet, and I was fuming when I came in unsuccessful.  Really, little else pushes my buttons so much or so hard.  I am not the best dog owner apparently.  But instead of eating some garbage like I used to do, I had a strange dinner of eggs and veggie sausage with bagel and half a glass of wine, and took a long, hot soak in the tub.  I slept like a baby.  My husband, in an effort to diffuse my wrath in doggie-do times says, "Look at it this way, you just went for a half hour walk!  Cardio is done for the night!"  I think I'll keep this guy.  He drinks wine with me and makes me laugh when I'm mad. 
So, life is happening, and I'm just floating in the flow of it.  I feel pretty good about where I'm at, making healthy choices is becoming so much more natural.  I hope it continues this way for the long haul.  I don't really have an ideal weight in mind for considering myself "at goal" since this was never intentionally about weight, I am going to allow my body to get to a natural set point.  If I continue making healthier choices and sneaking in a little activity I think that is inevitable.  I like looking down and seeing less belly there.  I like feeling like I can move a little better and breathe better.  No matter what I end up looking like at any stage, I feel like those few facts above are a total win for me.  And winning feels fantastic!


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