Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Anxiety Made me do it

Whew!  Things are whipping into a frenzied fluster of activity over here! 
The weekend was a little nutty for me.  It included coming home to my son's rude, snakey friend in our house on Friday night after work, something we were not asked in advance about and never allow.  They are 13 and did some sketchy things while they were alone, and took my 11 year old son along and left him stading in the cold for almost an hour.  That set the weekend off on an odd key.  I didn't sleep well Friday and my husband took a trip to Chicago on Saturday.  It's only a 3 hour drive, but I was worried about the traffic, his car has been making strange noises and he didn't sleep much the night before either.  After getting groceries, I spent some good time stress-eating.  I admit it, I knew I was doing it, and I just felt the anxiety oozing from me.  I don't like the feeling of being away from my husband and kids.  I guess there's work to be done there.  I brought the kids out to spend some of Christmas money they'd received early, and bought a few things to donate to a homeless shelter my work is collecting for this season.  Later Saturday evening, when my husband was heading back home, the kids and I ordered pizza.  All the chips and cheese (and a few cookies) I'd eaten earlier sat in my stomach so heavy that I could only eat 2 pieces and I was done.  My husband did make it home safely and all was fine.  I was a lot less stressed out on Sunday and ate my normal stuff.  It really woke me up to how crazy my anxiety levels can get, and how little control I take to try and get them down.  Part of my anxiety was in knowing that snow was coming, and it did come Sunday.  It is pretty to look at, for the first snowfall, but I do so deeply loathe it in every other way! 
Plantlife in the conservancy behind my apartment
I was slipping and walking like a little old lady so as not to hurt myself when I took my dog out.  Then certain muscles began to ache from walking so weird, and my toes went from numb to painful while waiting for my dog to just finish his business already.  I am trying to have an open and positive mind about winter and snow but I'm nowhere near it yet.  I still really really hope I live in a snowless place someday. 
Anyway, work has been getting super busy and we are getting for our move at home, we should get the keys tomorrow.  I know that's what my whole weekend will be, moving stuff from the old place to the new.  Sigh.  At least Sunday was a really restful day for me, I didn't do any housework (except laudry), I just snuggled in bed reading or doing stuff on my phone.  It felt really nice, especially since I know it'll be a while before I get to do that again!
Yesterday at work I had a lady tell me that I have an absolutely beautiful neck!  I was a little stunned and confused by the statement until she explained that she is an artist and notices these things.  She repeated it as if in disbelief.  After thanking her she left and I thought about that.  When I am off the rails with my eating, my neck looks just like any other neck I suppose, but when my eating is in control my collarbone always shows up and makes me look (in my opinion) fitter than the rest of me.  I actually like that part, it is the first place I notice weight loss in my body.  That comment was a little piece of reassurance that I am doing good.  Yes, I ate a few Oreos this weekend and had pizza and way too much cheese, but overall, I am doing pretty good.  Despite the stress from over-busy days at work, despite the anxiety of driving on slippery roads, I am still here and still good.  I totally got this.  Time to rock on!



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