Friday, December 9, 2016

Let Go

My tired, sore back is testament to the fact that I put more gusto into moving last night, and also to the fact that I have a really weak core.  That free workout I was thinking about was definitely put into place last night.  We got a lot done, my husband once again proving he is Hercules, but moving has a quicksand way of making you realize all the stuff you have because it feels like more stuff magically populates when you felt like you were making progress.  Needless to say, it's not going to be a real restful weekend, which is tough because work has been crazy stressful for me too and I could really use a rest.  We should have the majority of our stuff moved before the snow comes Saturday night, which is a huge plus, and the cleaning isn't that labor intensive in comparison.  My body is letting me know that I am in poor shape for all of this.  It isn't a surprise, I was absolutely expecting my back, knees and hips to be sore from moving, especially since we are bringing stuff down a flight of 16 stairs every trip, most of the time carrying heavy or awkward loads.  I am just not used to that much activity, especially at night when I normally settled and resting.  We've been getting to bed later than usual too, so I am all around just plain pooped out!  But I'm still rocking because I have to.  I am letting the joy of Friday take over despite the fact that it isn't the same as other Fridays given all the work I will be doing.  I think it'll be a long time before we move again! 
Despite all the crazy stuff all around me, and the growing exposure to Christmas goodies, I have not eaten anything crazy.  It doesn't even really appeal to me and as I said before, I am not really sitting around thinking about food or planning what or when to eat something "naughty".  That used to be a huge draw for me, the indulgent part of eating certain foods, but now that I'm not in the sugar-fog I can see that what I was hoping for the food to do for me, it really didn't usually do.  And now that I'm not eating much of the overly-sweet stuff or chocolately stuff, it makes me feel not great when I do eat it, so it's easier to resist.  Last night, for example, after we finished what we were going to on the move for the night, my husband and I settled into our beds for a little reading and phone time.  I had my usualy yogurt cup that I like to have before bed to help ensure I'll sleep through the night because being hungry makes me wide awake.  He made some popcorn, but he burnt it ever so slightly.  I took a small handful, maybe 12-15 pieces.  It tasted really good, but I hate the hulls, and I remembered a couple more things I needed to take care of (making coffee, having my son take his medicine, etc).  My husband handily finished off the bag and I was not even concerned about it.  That one little taste was fine, the hulls made me almost regret eating even that.  So maybe the key is not that I am being a food-snob because I don't want to gain weight, but more that I am much more aware of tastes and textures than I was before, and in some cases, I am finding that the things I don't like about certain foods are just not worth the momentary flavor.  I guess that's what they mean by mindful eating.  When I take the emotion out of the act of eating, I don't really like some of the stuff I thought I liked.  If someone had told me six months ago that I would reach a point where I would realize that I genuinely do not like chocolate all that much, I would have said they were certifiably insane.  Yet, here I am, able to have it close enough to smell, and even the really high quality stuff, and I really do not want to eat it.  I feel like some sort of magic has been unlocked in my brain.  I wish I could share this, as if there were a recipe to success, but I think it is something each person has to do on their own, with the right tools (books) and at a time that's right for them.  I have tried low-carb dieting on it's own and mindful eating on it's own, but neither were sustainable or met all of my needs.  I was worried that taking out the sweets would be a restriction that would make me rebel, and would work against the mindful eating (which tells you to have exactly the thing you want when you want it, but to stop when you are satisfied) but combining these two concepts has been the plan that seems to work for me.  I am sad when I see people who are still struggling, still tortured by food, negative thoughts and negative body-image, feeling like they are weak because they cannot will themselves to no want certain foods.  It's not about willpower, it's about realizing that food isn't going to fix the problems that lay beneath.  It's about delving into the dark murky waters for a swim, and relearning who and what you are, in the absence of other people's opinion.  And it's about letting go of stress and hurt from the past.  Because ultimately, you cannot be free if you don't let go. 

No comments:

Post a Comment