Friday, December 30, 2016

I'm not Worthy!

So yesterday I turned 44.  Yay for not being one of the many people who didn't make it to the end of 2016 because OMG what the heck is going on this year?!  Today is my mom's birthday and I took pause to notice this thing that she does, and how I adopted it.  "Don't get me anything, I don't need anything, it's really just another day, no need to make a fuss." This is my mother.  She had the same dress (looked like it was from the 60's) for most of my childhood, and only after several years of wearing it to functions, she became tired of it.  Did she get a new dress, you wonder with wild anticipation?  No!  She shortened it and took the sleeves off so it'd look a little different.  She always told us not to fuss, and she didn't really fuss, never splurged on things for herself, but spent freely on us, even though we were not very financially well-off.   I, too, started acting this way about my birthday.  Most years I tell my husband that I really don't want anything special, that staying home and ordering pizza sounds really nice after all the holiday madness.  He still usually gets me something, or we go out to eat or something.  One year he bought me an expensive eternity ring and I felt guilty because he spent so much on me- all his Christmas money that his folks sent him and then some.  This year, when he asked what I want I actually had something in mind, my favorite Aveda face cream that I love is almost gone.  I knew he'd get it for me, I buy it from a spa where he got me a gift card some years back.  He surprised me this year and got me another gift card for the spa and the (pricey) lotion and a really sweet, sentimental card with a genuinely wonderful handwritten message inside that made me cry, and it was signed by him and my kids and oh it was such a sweet moment.  My mother sent me a text message to wish me a happy birthday and I told her that I had a package coming from Amazon that would be delivered to her on her birthday.  Just some cozy things to help keep her warm, fuzzy slipper socks, hot tea and and inspirational mug, bath salts etc. because she doesn't like to turn her heat up due to the cost.  She didn't make much mention of it, but I know how she felt when I told her I was sending something; she felt guilty because she doesn't want anyone to fuss over her.
I was pondering this as I was getting ready for work; why do I feel like it's OK to be fussed over this year, is it because I'm thinner? Nope, its for the same reason that she doesn't feel people should fuss over her, and for the same reason that I used to feel uncomfortable being fussed over; believing that you are worth others' time/attention/money, etc.  It really comes down to self-worth.  My mother doesn't believe that she is worthy of being fussed over.  I didn't believe it about myself for the majority of my life either, that's why I always felt guilty when someone did something nice for me.   And for me, the change didn't come immediately, it didn't come after or because I lost weight.  On the contrary, I started losing weight because I started believing that I am worth having good health.  I am worth the space I take up in this world, and I am more than worth someone else's effort on my behalf. So if you don't already feel that way, do some soul searching until you discover it is true.  If everyone believed they are already a miracle simply because they exist, a lot less people would be depressed, turning to drugs or violence or gaming or food to numb ourselves from feeling that we aren't what we're supposed to be.  No one gets to decide our story for us. 
Dancing yesterday, because it felt so nice I had to do it twice, and an entire half hour on the stationary bike for me this morning, that is a new record, and I'm sure my legs will be feeling it for a couple days, but yay me!  I was actually able to do the entire half hour on the bike because I was distracting myself with the morning news while simultaneously looking at Facebook on my phone. My goal was to not use so high of an intensity level that I couldn't go for more than just a few minutes.  I was still nice and sweaty at the end so I call it a huge win. 
Today, I am just looking forward to getting done with "Hell Week" at work, the last week of the year when everyone jams in to try and use up their flex spending benefits before they use it.  Tomorrow my dad is coming for a visit, which I always love, and then later I will raise a toast to this year closing on a positive note, and welcoming the new year with open arms.  For those who are celebrating the new year, have a safe and joyful time!!

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