Amy Whine-house

While my position at work is a commissioned sales job, I am happy that I have had minimal interruptions today.  I spent my entired day at work reading my blog, starting to my first one, and reading until August.  There were some really inspiring things, some funny observations, and a lot of joy in accomplishment.  It did what I intended it to do, remind me of what I am doing and why.  The past two months have been very lackluster at best, as I find myself wondering what was driving me, and how to get it back. 
I am making a fantastic recovery from my latest sinus infection, and have been feeling fine for a couple days now.  I think my kids might be able to get through the entire week without an ear infection, but it's just a hunch at this point.  This happens to us every year, being exposed to so many other germ-infested bodies at school and work.  We always make it through.
I have been thinking of my recent indulgences, when my husband is out of the house, and in my usual manner, analyzing it to a hair.  In the past, I had reduced it to the absence of guilt because of the secret nature of it.  If he wasn't there to judge me then not only was I getting a naughty, forbidden treat, but I didn't have to answer to anyone.  But something hit me on Monday, as my husband was out at a Halloween party without me.  Maybe I am eating because he is gone.  Because he always seems to be gone, always seems to be off indulging in self-serving purposes, which makes me feel very low-priority to him.  We have discussed it many times, and some of the time spent away is for his own workouts (which I completely understand and accept) but there are the photo shoots, some take most or all day, and the social gatherings, dropping in for a going away party or a Halloween party, etc.  On Halloween, my kids were both sick by the end of the night, and I found myself in the situation of trying to prop a throw-up bowl in front of one, while grabbing pain medicine for the ear infection of the other, both of them crying in discomfort and needing me at the same time.  It made me very stressed out and irritated that my husband simply had to go to his friend's party, couldn't disappoint.  But it seems, he's perfectly okay with disappointing me.  Or maybe that is my warped perception of things, I do let my emotions and apathy rule me.  Don't get me wrong, my husband is a great guy, he is just spreading himself way too thin, and it is leaving so little for me.  He works really hard, and tries to find new ways to earn extra money for us, he does his best to interact with the kids.  But whereas I am a work in progress in the weight-loss journey, he is a work in progress in the family commitments and prioritizing category.  It often leaves me feeling loney not just for myself, but for my kids.  And food is such a warm companion.  We are having a date night this Saturday, which he has said he is looking forward to a break from all the constant media he is always allowing to steal his attention (Facebook, e-mail and several modelling websites that have his phone and computer constantly buzzing) and just focus on me for a few hours.  I think he is feeling a bit guilty about leaving us for 4 days at the end of the month, to do an photo shoot in Puerto Rico.  It is an unpaid shoot, and I'm worried about the amount of money it will end up costing us, but when my husband is passionate about something, he will rest at nothing.  At least the plane ticket was paid for by the photographer. 
All that being said, it still comes down to me.  If I drown myself in apathy, my resolve will always be weak.  In one of my blogs I said, "Exscuses are belief-killers" and when I read that again today, it really hit home.  I have a choice in the matter.  In the pursuit of discovering why I am letting things slip, I am making exscuses left and right.  That is leading me back to the all-to-familiar path where the measuring tape is showing a reversal of my hard work.  As I have told myself so many times in the past, I need to inspire myself, not rely on anyone else to tell me I am capable and worthy of acheiving my goals.  My husband cannot be around 24-7 to guilt me into being good.  My doctor cannot be there everytime I need some motivation to stay on track.  My kids will always love me no matter what size I am.  But I wont, and I have proven that to myself for many years.
So, after my weekend, I am going to start, once again (I know, how many times?) on Phase 1 of the South Beach Diet and really try to keep my head in the game.  I will ask myself why I want something before I do it, and if the answer isn't productive, I will not eat it.  That is my goal, at least.  I started this blog on Nov 29 of last year, and while I am not going to set an unreasonable weight goal for the month, I want to end the month feeling strong, and knowing I am back on track.
That is my one small step for now.
Thanks for listening to me whine.
Have a great weekend!


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