Monday, April 25, 2011

Enough Celebrating Already!

Since I got the job offer, I have let things slowly unravel.  At first, it made me stronger, I worked out so hard the next couple days.  Then, I started thinking about how much less time I would have to focus on my goals, assuming the worst, as I always do, and damning myself before I even begin.  Friday night was a celebration dinner with my father-in-law, and after waiting an hour and a half to be seated (trust me, this restaurant is worth the wait) and another 45 minutes for the food to arrive, our table of six was already 4 baskets of tortilla chips, salsa and queso dip deep, and I was indulging at free will because, I deserved it, damn it.  Right.  When the meal arrived, I ate more than a sensible amount of chicken smothered in queso and refried beans, and even a little rice.  I skipped my cardio session on Saturday, stating a general feeling of sleepiness and sinus pressure.  No good reason except laziness, and once again, letting myself off the hook.  While my diet was right on plan all of Saturday, Sunday was Easter celbration.  My father-in-law stopped over with easter baskets for the boys, crammed full of sweets of every kind.  I didn't let it bother me too much, I tried to remember the coutless bouts of stomach distress from the times I'd overindulged in candy, particularily chocolate.  Then it was off to my mother-in-law's house for Easter dinner.  She was so considerate to make chicken for my family, as we do not eat pork, and it was so tender and juicy, and right on plan for me.  I also ate about two tablespoons of mashed potatoes w/gravy and some carrots, and some mystery noodle/egg salad, and some mixed fruit for desert.  Everyone (even my husband) was eating the jellybean cupcakes and bunny cookies, but I held out just fine, telling myself I already ate WHITE POTATOES, and surely I was going to have to do hours of cardio just to work that off.  I finished the day off strong, eating on plan all day.  Today was spent doing some shopping for work-appropriate clothes, which had me running around town most of the day, and I ended up being out longer than I had planned, putting me at a dangerous two hours late for a planned meal.  I was starving, and everything I shouldn't be having was looking awefully good.  As I was driving home, I was having the usual inner-conversation, trying to convince myself that it'd be OK to stop and get ONE fast food meal, that I could be really strict the rest of the month to make up.  By the time I would have had to turn, I couldn't decide what sounded good, much less if I even wanted to do that to myself, so I decided that must be a sign not to do it.  I came home and began cooking immediately.  Then, the easter cookies (grandma had to send some along for the kids, you know) were giving me the evil eye, and before I could let my good sense take over, I popped one in my mouth.  I didn't even taste that first bite.  Then three more cookies followed, then a few jelly beans.  Then I ate my sensible lunch of turkey burger and salad, which felt a bit absurd, but tasted good and made my body buzz happily.  Why did I do that?  Well, I know the physical reason why, I waited too long to eat, and it made my blood sugar plummet, and my body was saying, "GIVE ME CALORIES!"  But mentally, it is almost like I don't care anymore, like I was just doing that to occupy time until I got a job, and now that I have one, all bets are off.  Also, though the food on Friday was delicious, and I felt very satisfied by it, I refrained from desert that night too.  And even though my mother-in-law is taking me to lunch tomorrow to celebrate (again), part of me felt like I didn't celebrate the news yet, not fully.  I should have had a glass of wine or I should have had dessert when it was a planned cheat.  But I didn't then, and I did just get a job, so I took that time to celebrate it with food.  That was the mentality.  At any rate, I felt bad about it afterword, realizing that I can't let that derail me, that I need to just jump right back on track, full steam ahead.  This will not be the last time this happens to me, everyone goes overboard sometimes.  How well I bounce back from it will be what determines if I truly have what it takes to see this thing through to the finish.  I am not happy with the way I look yet,  I have much work to do before I reach my goal.  And while I'm truly proud of my accomplishments, to me they mean little if I quit before I make it all the way.  So I just need to suck it up and move on.  I ate sugary junk, that is just part of my story.  It makes me human, but by no means does it mean that my journey is over or even paused.  If anything, it gives me renewed enthusiasm that I can mess up and still move on and kick this thing.   And all my worries aobut time constraints will dissapate once I prove to myself that no matter what, I can make this work.  Any obstacles in my way are just temporary wake up calls.  Hope everyone had a great weekend!

1 comment:

  1. I've never had an Easter dinner, I didn't know people had them. Everyone cracks and has sweets at some point. You do right not talking yourself nto fast food though.

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