Thursday, November 3, 2016

Breakdown

When there is nothing, we long for something, but when there is something we long for nothing.  It is in our nature, isn't it?  When there is nothing on my plate, when I have no "have-to's" I am bored and want to do something.  I'll admit, those times are few and way too far between because most times, like now, I feel like I have too much on my plate and want nothing more than a day off, in comfy clothes, no running around, no trying to tackle every single task that comes to mind, just doing things that relax and rejuvinate me.  I'm guessing it's going to be a long time before that happens.  Why oh why did I not appreciate my lax summer days while they were here?!  This is life, I know.   Buck up, Buttercup, right?
This morning I reached a place I hate being, where my dog was refusing to take care of business outside, and I didn't want to give up because I knew he had to go (he was so. stinking. close) so I stayed out longer than I should have, which made me late getting ready for work.  I didn't have time to shower because styling my hair after takes longer than I had before getting my kids up and getting ready in time to not miss their bus.  I got mad at my dog, he was scared and barking and waking everyone up, I hadn't had breakfast yet and only had 10 minutes to try and get myself ready; I was in such a funk from it all that I cried from the frustration.  And I don't mean the gentle crying that women in movies display, it was ugly, crunched-up "I hate always feeling stressed out" kind of crying.  You know the kind, with a nice mix of swearing and apathy.  It eventually turned into a small but needed mourning  for my friend.  Afterword, I pulled myself together the best I could, fixed myself up and tried to go about my day, puffy eyes and red nose and all.  I feel tired from it all.  After getting my kids on the bus, I have about 15 minutes to come back home and get my stuff ready before heading off to work.  Today I spent that time snuggling with my dog.  He was so content he curled up on my lap and started to fall asleep as I talked sweetly and stroked his hair.  There was a much-needed release then and I felt bad for lacking control over things in the morning.  I still have not learned the art of letting go of things I can't control, and my dog pushes my buttons more than I like to admit sometimes. 
I don't know what this huge ball of stress is or how to get rid of it but I have been feeling it weighing on me for a few weeks now, and it's not just me, my husband has been having the same feeling from time to time.  Like our lives are somehow more complicated now than they used to be.  At any rate, it felt like such a heavy pressure on my yesterday that I decided to see if some time on the stationary bike would help.  I went for 15 minutes, which ended up being a little over 3 miles, it made my heart feel good but didn't releive the stress.  I tried hot tea and meditation but I just didn't feel better until I went to sleep.
Today, after getting to work and getting in my groove, I actually felt better than I have in a while.  My boss was at my site for the first time in a while and knowing and working for him for 7 years, we get along pretty well and I have to admit it was nice to have someone around to talk to because I typically work alone.  I also got a lot done today, a project that I've been wanting to do for a while and some more projects that came up.  I was yawning my face off all day, but at least I released some of that stress I've been carrying around.
After work I had to bring my dog out again, and I usually bring him around my huge apartment complex, situated in the middle of a conservancy, but tonight I decided to take him for a walk.  I figured we could both use it.  It was refreshing and made my dog happy so I'm glad I did it.  After helping my sons with homework I slipped into a hot bath and emerged feeling new.  I needed that!
Well, tomorrow is Friday and even though I have a couple things on my plate for the weekend, one of them involves clothes shopping, which I'm actually looking forward to.  My husband is becoming a Shriner and I get to put his fez on at the ceremony.  I'm impressed by the charitable work the Shriners  do and proud to be married to someone who wants to be a part of that.  I will look for something nice enough to wear for that and casual enough for work.  Wish me luck!  I do have a dress picked out from last weekend's closet shopping just in case it doesn't pan out, but I'm going to Dress Barn, which is usually pretty fruitful for me.
I feel like I can finallly let out a long sigh, thankful to feel a little better.  I sure hope it lasts.  If it doesn't, though, I will keep plugging along like I have been the past few weeks, keeping my mind in check so my eating stays in control.  With all the stress I've had lately, I'm glad I at least have that!

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