Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Stabby

I took a little break from blogging as my PMS flared and made me very stabby this time.  I didn't feel like writing or thinking or any of it.  I just kept going along with the plan, eating foods that I was, in fact, very tired of by the end of the week, hoping it would make a difference in how I felt. I feel like the weekend was one big attempt at making myself feel better and, as usual, there was a mix of good and not great food choices going on.  I am still not going crazy, most of the extras I ate was food that was already on plan, but I ate more than I needed of it.  Cheese is a weakness of mine, and much cheese was indeed consumed.  Nevertheless, I made it through a blustery weekend relatively unscathed.  My monthly always makes me feel super worn-out (I know, I always complain of it, but it is even worse during the days leading up to the main event) so even though my husband and I got a little time to go off to our favorite penninsula by ourselves, to have a little meal and go to our favorite winery, I was happy we didn't make an entire day of things, and that there wasn't a ton of activity involved.  We did finally get a wine rack and a 6 bottles to fill it, and wine was had of course, but not as much as it could have been.  I had a couple glasses on Saturday because I know if I have more than 2 I feel aweful the next day. 
Work has been getting progressively busier as we head to optical Hell Week (last week of the year, when everyone tries to rush and spend their remaining flex dollars by buying glasses).  Actually, the entire month of December is typically one big ball of mass over-stimulation highlighted by being so busy that I end up missing snacks, which makes me all the stabbier.  Then, there's my whole loathing of snow which is now about to make regularly scheduled appearances in the forecast for say, the next 5 months or so.  Yeck.  I am noticing that my mood is slipping to a darker place and I am going to have to work to stay positive the next couple months.  Actually, as much as I hate snow, once we are buried in it and it becomes expected, I end up dealing with it, but the dreading beforehand actually makes me miserable.  Instead, I should be appreciating every day that isn't snowing.  I think I will develope a plan this winter, for helping me overcome my prejudice against snow.  It will take some work, for sure, but I realize that being miserable half the year is on me, and only I can fix it.  For all I know, I could be living here my whole life and the thought of being miserable that much is maddening. 
This morning as I was getting ready for work I was very aware of how negative my body image was.  Sure, I'm bloated from the monthly, and I'm sure drinking extra wine isn't the best for me, but I was considering wearing a different work shirt today, blue instead of my trademark black, but when I tried two different blue shirts (different fabrics) I was shockingly aware of how dissatisfied I am with the way I look.  It made me sad at first, but it reminded me that I haven't been pampering myself as much lately.  I have been forgetting to make my lunch which leaves me scrambling to find something to bring (cheese pizza hot pocket today, yikes) and I've been forgetting to take my vitamins and I've been feeling dehydrated.  I am thinking I may have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or perhaps my vitamin D may be low again, which makes me feel drained and sad too.  Who knows.  It's all speculation at this point.  My family and I will have a multitude of appointments in the near future, I don't really think I need to add more to them.  I know for a fact that morning exercise makes me feel much better throughout the day, and even makes dealing with my anxiety about driving in snow much more tolerable, so I think that is going to be my best plan of action.  I need to be active in order to feel better consistently.  It will just mean getting up earlier, and that's a mental hurdle but not insurrmountable. 
I feel like I'm just rambling on about nothing today.  Maybe it's best to end here.  For those of you who celebrate, Happy Thanksgiving!

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