Sleep was so much kinder to me last night, and I felt a little better today. I think part of my feeling not-quite 100% might be sinus allergies. I stopped taking my Flonase a week or so ago, because it got much colder, but I'm going see about starting up again. Or, maybe find a natural alternative.
Joel was in a little better mood today too, but it feels like something changed. I was thinking about it today and a light went on, our sales rep for his company was in last week. She's a dear lady whom I've known since I started working here 4 years ago. We always talk shop for 5 minutes and then we talk autism for like an hour because we both have sons with autism. Since Joel and our rep, Anne work for the same company they may have been talking shop and he could have found out that I'm married with kids. I would actually be fine with that, it would have come up at some point. Still, he smiled sweetly and did his job and I'll probably see him tomorrow and it'll be the same. I was fine with a nice, normal smile because he still smiled. There is a guy I used to work with who I had a little stronger bond with than the rest of the crew, we had a bit of a mutual attraction, but being married we just kept it to work banter and jokes. We'll always have that certain warmth for one another, when we see each other at conferences every other year, we hug and catch up and talk glasses. Nothing went where it shouldn't with Aaron, but it feels good having some little connection with him. I think it could be that way with Joel someday if we keep getting to see each other at work.
Something wonderful is coming out of all this! No, I haven't cheated on my husband and I won't even touch another guy, but this positive attention has changed what I want. I went from wanting my body to not hurt and wanting to have the energy and motivation to get back on track, to now wanting to do things that make me feel GOOD about myself. When I do cardio I feel skinnier. When I spend extra time on my hair I feel prettier. When I eat nutritious foods, I feel smarter and imagine myself getting healthy on a cellular level. The side effects are that I have way more energy, way less knee and hip pain, I feel more alert and creative, my clothes are getting loose, and I have so much confidence that it is exuding from me. My mood is better, my skin is brighter, even music has a deeper effect on me. And I realize that this is all because I make choices each and every day that are helping me feel this way. Today was a catered lunch, I didn't have any, tomorrow will be another catered lunch and I will not have any of that either. I just don't crave carbs when I'm "off" them.
I was going to take a walk tonight and I got thirty steps from my door and it started raining pretty hard so I came back inside. I thought about skipping the workout but then a huge rainbow came out and it was beautiful. I figured it was my time to shine too. I walked and danced inside my house for almost an hour. I had so much fun dancing, pretending all my friends were with me, celebrating life. I was a hot, sweaty mess by the time I got done, and I felt so so good! I know the choices I am making right now will continue to reward me if I keep making choices that make me feel as beautiful as Joel did when he smiled at me that way. Even better than those smiles, these things I'm doing for me are from me and for me, which means no one can take them away. I am all about the choices. Had pizza one night last week, turned right back to low-carb ever since. I have choices, I am not restricted to someone else's idea of what I should do, be or eat. The control I feel is liberating and I wish the same for everyone!